Struggling with stubborn toddler

[GreenSippyCup77]

Feeling like a failure and useless Mum today. Everything just feels like a huge battle with my 3 year old DS. I know toddlers are hard but it feels unbearable at the mo. Everything is a battle, getting dressed, getting him out the house, getting him to eat anything sensible etc. he doesn’t seem to want to do anything or go anywhere. I tried enticing him to go in the garden this morning but we only managed a few mins before he said he wanted to go back inside. To top it off today I broke down crying in front of him because he wouldn’t brush his teeth and was demanding his Easter chocolate. I think it was lots of little things building up but I’m now worried that him seeing me that upset has affected him in a negative way. I was planning to try potty training over the holidays as he’s still in nappies but he’s just refusing, gets mega upset if you even mention not wearing a nappy. Just feeling completely overwhelmed with it all right now 😩

Just to add, I did talk to him once I’d calmed down from crying, and explained that it wasn’t his fault or anything he’d done. Just sometimes Mummy gets big feelings too. He just kept saying ‘ok’ but still seems quite sad himself 😢

I think he’s feeling out of control because you’re not in control OP.

1. Give him choices: do you want to brush teeth or shall I do it? Garden or park? It gives him the illusion of control.
2. Stop mentioning potty training and just do it, with chocolate as a reward if necessary. If he doesn’t take to it, try again in a couple of months.
3. If his behaviour is still a concern in six months’ time, make an appointment with the GP, because it might be developmentally inappropriate.

PS It doesn’t hurt children to see the consequences of their actions. ‘Mummy crying because you made her sad’ is absolutely fine, he needs to know that actions have reactions, it’s how he’ll learn how to behave.

Toddlers are difficult little buggers! They are incredibly cute and sweet but need a lot of coaxing. Things that help with mine:

He hates me doing stuff that he can do himself so for instance. "Do you want to walk up the stairs or shall I carry you". "Shall I brush your teeth or do you want to start" (obviously I always finish). Shall I get your wellies on or do you want to do it". If he ignores me I tell him right, I'm coming to do whatever and then he usually scarpers upstairs or whatever.

The teeth thing is hard because its boring for them and they just want to play. I explain as best I can why we brush our teeth. There's a little usborn flap book about it that my son enjoyed. I also show him photos on Google of rotten teeth and explain what happens and how much it hurts when your teeth go brown and fall out. Or the nuclear option is telling him that little boys who don't brush their teeth never get chocolate and sweets!

With regards to outside time. Have you got a tap and a sand and water table? This keeps mine occupied for ages. Quite often a few little activities will keep them engaged and then they might pootle about a but on their own. Like you could fill up bird feeders together, stick some seeds in a pot or a patch of soil. Once we do something like this mine likes to take his little garden tools and have a dig about on his own for a while. We have loads of garden toys too, which helps. You can even take some paper and paints outside and do a bit of painting in the garden. Mix up some soil and water in a tub and let him paint the trees and fences with that. A bucket of water and a small watering can to dunk in usually goes down well here. Or a water pistol to squirt round the garden.

Don't worry about the crying thing though, unless you are constantly morose and weepy round him I don't think it does any harm to show that you are sad or upset once in a while. I think on some level it's good that they see a range of human emotion from the people around them, as long as its nothing too scary or extreme. Talking about your feelings after was a great way to handle things.

Dont worry about the crying. It's ok for him to see you express emotions. Remember they learn from copying you, so don't dwell on it more that you would want him to. Move on and so will he.

Some 3yos are tough. My eldest was easy. My twins nearly break me some days.

Pick ONE thing to work on. We are doing getting dressed as out focus for the next 3 weeks. Iam allowed to forgive myself for crappy parenting in some other areas (dear God they ate a LOT of chocolate and no vegetables in the last 2 days) but I'm not allowed to give myself an out and dress them. One way or another, that HAS to be done every day. The boys get lots of praise when it goes well. We just gloss over what doesn't

You'll get through it. They won't be 3 forever. Mine are definitely showing signsof getting easier.

I'm right with you here, I have a very determined and stubborn 3 year old. She wants to do everything herself, kicks off if I were to do anything (even when she hasn't said she wants to do it) and when she does do anything herself it usually involves a lot of singing and storytelling and not actually doing the thing she is meant to be doing. So bloody frustrating!!!

I did break down in tears the other week, once in front of her and once after she was in bed. I felt she had broken me and I didn't know what to do anymore. I had lost all will and energy to help or even want to be around her.

The next day we sat down very calmly and explained why I was sad. Said we are all kind and want to help each other and asked her how she felt when I had to keep shouting, which we both agreed was not nice and made us both sad. From there when I asked her to do something I ask once, if she doesn't do it I get up and do it myself and after a few days of screaming she did get the idea and now we are much better, still 80% not listening but better at least.

I want her to be strong willed but this doesn't help us out does it.

Not really much advice but wanted to show a united front against these mini terrors!

There's a book called Toddler Taming by Christopher Green that was recommended here when my eldest was small, I found it quite helpful and funny.

@GreenSippyCup77 oh my gosh, literally came online to start my own thread about my DS3 and saw this. I am at my absolute wits end. My eldest boy was never like this. He is just perpetually frustrated and whiny. Surely that isn't normal, to be so incredibly miserable all the time?? Have spoken to GP, HV and nursery at various points and none say they have any concerns so am just totally at a loss. Like pp am finding dressing particularly challenging right now. He will only wear clothes that are red. So I buy a wardrobe of red clothes. Suddenly he hates red and only wants blue. I feel like he knows I can't pull a wardrobe of blue clothes out of thin air so uses this as licence to get angry and upset. Reading that back it sounds a bit amusing (!) but it's really really not. Am constantly on edge and unhappy myself. Solidarity X

@GreenSippyCup77 oh and others have said I don't think having a little cry in front of him is a bad thing, obviously crying 24/7 isn't advisable but the odd outburst of tears might help for him to see that his actions result in you getting upset.

@Ringadingdung sorry to hear you’re struggling with your toddler too, but it does make me feel a lot better knowing it’s not just me! The red/blue wardrobe thing sounds exactly like something my DS would do, in fact I’m surprised he hasn’t thought of that one yet! I feel so awful for crying in front of him, I’m normally so calm and patient. Like I said, something just snapped today. I’ve been worrying all morning as he’s seemed quite subdued since my outburst. But I guess you’re right, it’s not a bad thing to see I have emotions too! Solidarity to you too, hopefully they turn into little angels sometime soon!

@GreenSippyCup77 yes let's pray 😇!! I think the most difficult thing with a challenging child is knowing what to be flexible on and what boundaries to hold. I try to hold firm on things that matter (holding my hand near a busy road, brushing his teeth etc., but am otherwise quite flexible where I can be otherwise I'd lose the single shred of sanity I have left...) Do you have much help? Aside from nursery I don't and I think that really worsens things as am pouring from an empty cup!!

@GreenSippyCup77 re potty training. I had delayed and delayed but realised it was now or never (nursery suggesting he couldn't go into preschool room unless trained...😒) so we just went for it with zero expectations. And wouldn't you know it's going/gone very very well and this is a child who is generally quite hard work, so hope that gives you a bit of confidence. If we had negotiated with him on it he would have said he didn't want to take his nappy off too. For a while we just did trousers no nappy/pants and then gradually built up to underpants and trousers. We used choc buttons as a reward, a potty decorated in fave character (bing) and a huge assortment of different 'big boy' pants. All the cliches worked for us

They're absolutely sods but I totally agree with having a or b choices and then some things like teeth, holding hands by roads etc are non negotiable.
For teeth cleaning, try downloading the oral B magic timer app. It is a timer of two minutes but you collect stickers of Disney characters. Totally revelation to me and has been a game changer for us.

Focus on one thing at a time and pick your battles.

Getting dressed
Lay out two outfits the night before and let him mix and match what he wants to wear. He chooses and gets dressed or you do it all for him.

getting him out the house
Sometimes you just need to bodily grab and get out the door. If you're cool and calm about it and show you're unbothered, his fits will stop having any power and he'll stop it.

getting him to eat anything sensible
Definitely not your problem to solve. Serve up food and he eats what he wants and however much he wants. If he gets a yoghurt or piece of fruit after dinner usually then just stick it on the table at the same time. No pleading with him, no trying to convince him to eat or bargaining with him. Just "there you go". If he refuses to eat it, fine. Let him go without.

I tried enticing him to go in the garden this morning but we only managed a few mins before he said he wanted to go back inside
You might need to set up actual things to do and start doing them. Set up an activity in the garden and do it together. Something like a teddy bears picnic or a game of hunt and find is more fun in the better weather. Inside the home you can set up "invitations to play". Before I go to bed at night I often set up a little scene of some sort to get my son started. When he sees it in the morning he carries on playing with it for half an hour or so. Example, box of magnetic tiles with some built as ramps with a basket of little cars. Or the sand pit set out with a basket of shells and various things to scoop and dig with.

To top it off today I broke down crying in front of him because he wouldn’t brush his teeth and was demanding his Easter chocolate
Don't worry about this affecting him. We all snap and shout or cry sometimes. They push us beyond our limits. As for demanding the Easter chocolate I would said "No we're not having any chocolate right now". If he screamed and tantrummed I would say "mummy said no" once more and then completely disengage and ignore the tantrum. Happened today with my son. Screaming for a flapjack. Two "nos" and then I ignored him entirely. He stopped eventually. His tantrums only last a few minutes because he knows they don't work. As soon as he stops be ready to be bright and breezy immediately. "You're all done being sad now. Great! Look I'm building a Duplo house"

I would leave the potty training for now and use the holidays to practice getting back in control. He's seeing your moments of upset and weakness and running rings around you. Once you're feeling more up to tackling it, return to the potty training. I also highly recommend bratbusterparenting on Instagram and YouTube.

Good luck!