5yo's behaviour is exhausting

[Spaceranger31]

How long do your 5 year olds play for independently? I think I've had about 20 mins all day, excluding TV watching. The rest of the time he wants me to play board games or help him draw. If I refuse he acts up, either storming off or being really loud and in the face of my DD who is 18 months. I am exhausted, I can't do anything around the house or for myself. Once they are in bed we then have to do all the chores which leaves us with about 30 mins to sit down before bed.
Any tips on how I get him to be more independent? Or toys that might peak his interest?

My five year old is also rubbish at playing independently and I feel similarly exhausted. We also have two younger children so it’s hard to give that attention when also seeing to them and trying to keep on top of chores. Recently he’s been really enjoying a hot wheels garage and played with that independently for a bit. I bought ours off EBay as it was loads cheaper than new. They’re huge and ugly but he likes it. Good luck!

I'd make a timetable on his wall with two slots of time to play with mummy or daddy. Half hour at some point in the morning and a half hour at some point in the afternoon/evening. This is time that he can choose what he'd like to play: Lego, puzzles, play dough etc, and you give full, enthusiastic attention.

This is in addition to other time normally spent together i.e., trip to the park, swimming etc, and is also in addition to him helping out. He can help load or unload the washing machine. He can help prepare dinner or set the table. He can help do the dusting. All valuable time spent together and means you are getting chores out the way before bedtime.

If he wants to play outside of the scheduled times say, "mummy/daddy played games with you this morning and we'll do some more after dinner. Right now I'm doing xyz. You can help me with that or you can play on your own for a while."

If he acts up by screaming etc then there needs to be a consequence.

5 year olds dont generally play independently. Just carry on and do your chores in his company, so you are not rushing through them in your private time when he is in bed. He can talk to you when you are doing them, or join in. It will make it slower, but still you will get things done

He's 5. He's too young for that.

He's 5 he's at school he can help with chores just fine and then get "play" time after.

@orangeandpinks

Too young for which part?

I think this might be a modern problem that has been created by parents.

A 5 year old is more than capable of independent play. My parents' generation were sent out to play in the streets at 5 years old after breakfast and came in for dinner and tea.

When I was 5 I played perfectly well independently. My parents would engage with some games/crafts etc at various times but the rest of the time I just pottered around while they got on with their day.

Nip it in the bud now OP. Tell him firmly, no. You are not playing as you are doing such and such just now. But after that we will go to the park and this evening after dinner we'll play cars or whatever. Stick to your promises.

My son is 2 and a half and can play by himself for an hour. I tell him I'm tidying up and I'll play with him later. I don't do any chores when he's in bed, I'd hate that. He knows that whinging won't work so he plays with all his toys and when I'm ready I give him my undivided attention.

I think that's the key part. Better a parent fully immersed in their world and having fun than a frazzled and worn out parent who's half switched off their brain because they've been guilted into playing the same games over and over all day long. There's only so much if yourself you can give.

A 5 year old should not be dictating to you how the day goes. Give him your time and give it to him fully. But for the rest of the day he needs to learn that you are not another toy.

I feel your pain OP. Mine are 4.5 and 1.5 and I feel like I hear some variation of "Mama! I need..." / "Mama can you...?" roughly once every 45 seconds 🤯
My eldest does respond reasonably well if I say I'll play with him for 10 minutes (and do fully focus on him for that time), then do 10 minutes of chores, then play for 10 minutes, then 10 minutes of chores etc. We set a timer on the Alexa to keep track of the time. But that only works while the youngest is napping, otherwise she also needs my attention. But it means if she takes an hour-long nap (🤞) I can get 30 minutes of chores done 🤷🏼‍♀️
To stay vaguely on top of tidying we also play the "7 things" game once or twice, most days. Everyone had to find 7 things that are in the wrong place and put them in the right place. It's a super fun game, kids, honest...! 😬

(I will just add, re the PP whose 2yo plays alone for an hour at a time, mine did that aged 2 as well. But aged 4... all I'll say is that kids change! Everything is a phase.)

Definitely try to get them involved in chores. And look at five minute mum on Facebook or buy the book for other ideas that might keep him interested.

they would not have been playing alone. It isn't a "modern" problem, or even a problem as such, it is just how children develop.

Of course. Some days mine is clingier than others too. I think the important thing is to fill their pot up with meaningful one-to-one time and also stick to boundaries. That means persevering through days of endless "mama" when they're young but building on the expectation that they play on their own for some of the time and mummy will play with them when she's finished doing such and such.

But OP's son is 5 and a 5 year old is definitely old enough to know that screaming at his mum and baby sister and stomping around in a rage is not an acceptable way to behave. That needs to be dealt with.

OP, do you think you're giving him solid, quality time playing with you? Where you are fully engaged and immersed with him? Or are you stretched too thin and he's getting snippets of play time with a distracted mum? That is the reason most children crave more and more time. It's like they're getting snacks instead of a satisfying meal.

they would not have been playing alone. It isn't a "modern" problem, or even a problem as such, it is just how children develop.

Well that aspect certainly is a modern problem. Children now being reliant on parents as playmates. But that's just the way of things now.

However, I am an only child and played independently no problem. I was raised to know that mum and dad would give me quality time to play with them, but also that when they were busy I had to get on with things on my own.

A 5 year old is plenty old enough to engage in independent imaginative play when mum and dad have told them they are busy at the moment.

not alone, no, it would never have been normal. In the same room as someone else, talking to each other, maybe

For 99.9 % of human history, and still even now in some parts of the world, a 5 year old playing alone would quickly become a snack for a passing predator. It is very deeply ingrained in to normal 5 year olds never to put themselves in that position.

There is no time in human history when it would be normal or expected for an average 5 year old to play alone

@leftkneeonbackwards

not alone, no, it would never have been normal. In the same room as someone else, talking to each other, maybe

Sorry, I don't know what you mean. You don't think it's normal for a 5 year old to play independently in their own bedroom for some of the day? Why would this "never have been normal"?

I don't understand what you mean about in the same room talking to someone. How can a child play by themselves while talking to someone else?

Can we swap 5 year olds?! 🤣I asked mine several times today if he wanted to play with me but he just wanted to be in his own world with his Lego. My heart would sing if he ever asked me to play a board game!

My 5 year old can play for 2-3 hours at a time with his Lego, or 1-2 hours with a sensory box or sand pit. He’s always been really good at playing independently though, from a young age. My 4 year old … not so much!

My 5yo just follows me asking for stuff let alone play!