Teaching consent/body boundaries to toddlers

[Haveli]

My daughter is 2.5. She (and a few of her peers) find bums and poo and farts etc very funny, so we have recently started to gently tell her things like that she shouldn't touch her friends bums, they shouldn't be touching hers etc. We also let her know that she doesn't have to give kisses or cuddles to anyone if she doesn't want to, and often she doesn't.

However a couple of friends have 'eye rolled' at me for making a point of it (mums of boys, if it matters) and seem to think it's fine just to laugh of their kids trying to hug her when she doesn't want to be hugged or more notably touching her on the bottom.

I KNOW they are so little and it's all so innocent, but I just feel like I was never given the 'my body my choice' lesson when I was young and ended up in a few situations (when older) that I didn't want to be in because I had wasn't confident asserting my boundaries. I want DD to be, and she is.

Not sure exactly what I'm asking, I guess I would just like to know what other parents thoughts are on this and how they handle these situations? Tia

I think you need to relax a bit. You can’t really stop a 2 year old going in for a hug with another 2 year old. There’s a massive difference between this and men crossing boundaries in a sexual way. She’s too little for any kind of meaningful message about this right now so I would just let her greet people how she wants then stagger the chats in an age appropriate way.

They’re only 2.5! They still take group trips to the toilet and occasionally bite their friends when they get cross. I’m all about boundaries, body autonomy and the pants rule but that’s for once they’re old enough not to be having their bum wiped in the corner of the classroom. It’s a total non issue that another kid of her age tries to hug her, it’s not like they’re hitting or biting and if she doesn’t want a hug she knows she can say no. Job done. Not sure what the bum touching is about, never had that with my 2 or any of their classmates but ‘we don’t touch bottoms’ or if it’s hitting and the bum part is random then you can just say ‘no hitting’. I don’t think this requires so much head space with a child so young tbh.

Jeez, they are 30 months old! Still getting the hang of things and learning as tiny people. Come back and complain if they carry on hugging your daughter in a few more years but with the way you're being OTT their parents will probably start to swerve you before then.

I'm with you OP and not the other posters. They do all sorts of things as 2 yos which we teach them not to. They learn slowly but they do learn. I assume PPs aren't letting them touch cookers and bleach, right? Even though they are toddlers and would.

You just teach her that her body is hers and tell them no if they hug without permission.

She will just understand that as ‘hugs aren’t allowed’. Nuance is totally lost at this age.

C is for consent by Eleanor Morrison
It's my body by Louise spilsbury

• a couple of good books to start with

She will just understand that as ‘hugs aren’t allowed’. Nuance is totally lost at this age.

Well then hugs aren't allowed. They won't die if they can't touch each other's bums and hug on demand. I think 2.5 yos can start to be taught to ask permission for things. They have to for snacks/stroke dogs/lots of stuff. It's a start. We're raising adults not just parenting the age they are at.

Those examples don’t make sense in this context as it’s hardly like toddlers are allowed to play with bleach so long as the bottle consents. At 2.5 they’re very much about clear and consistent boundaries so it’s actually pretty tough to find an analogy that works…
Perhaps something like if a friend is playing with a toy, you want to play too then you have to ask them nicely to share, not just snatch, and that they are allowed to say no. Probably a bit much for a 2.5YO though as cooperative play is 3+.

Personally I’d just stick with understanding no and good listening ears which apply much more widely than just on this one issue, hence why I think it’s a total non issue. The DD can and does say no to unwanted hugs. As she should. Hopefully she also respects when others say no, but she’s still learning as are her friends so it might need parental reenforcement from time to time along the lines of ‘Sam said no so let’s give him space’ and you swiftly redirect. That’s it.

Other boundaries I think you introduce later as is age appropriate. They’re still at the age where nappies get changed in the classroom and going to the toilet is a group activity so it’s too young to understand the concept of private parts or privacy.

Sorry i dont mean she isnt allowed to hug - of course if she's into the hug I don't say a word - but when she's trying to wriggle out of it and getting annoyed I don't think she should be forced to endure it. Just want her to have the confidence to say no stop!

My daughter is 2 (was 2 in Nov) and she's a massive hugger. Sometimes her friends like it other times they say no and try to get away but she follows them and tries to hug them anyway. I always say they're saying no thank you let's let them go- or something like that

It isn’t a matter of confidence it’s a matter of communication, at 2 they’re not able to say ‘er I don’t like that, can you stop please’. Her wriggling out of it IS her communication, nothing additional needs to be added. Is she your first?

I think it’s a little sad when 2 year olds aren’t allowed to go in for a hug with another toddler because of some message about consent. It’s unenforceable anyway, they play so closely together, sneeze on each other etc so if they feel an impulse to hug they will just do it.

Then you just let her wriggle out and say something to the other kid like ‘I think DD is saying no thank you’. Toddlers have a lot of unwanted physical behaviours, like biting and hitting so don’t overthink it.

I get where you're coming from op - I'm a mum of a boy, by the way. Not sure why that's relevant but as you made a point of it I thought I may as well too.

I get why you want to encourage boundaries, but hugs from other little kids isn't the same as, say, an adult who won't take no for an answer or ignore her if she's clearly uncomfortable.

For example, my son is 4.5 and from 3 has had a best friend from nursery ho is a girl. They're very affectionate, always holding hands, hugging etc. Not long after they started knocking around together we were in the park and my son went to hug her but she ran away. I told him I think she wants some space, he was a bit confused but went off to play on the slide. Two seconds later the girl is sobbing to her mum - apparently she wanted my son to chase her and was most offended he'd given up so easily 🤣

If she is old enough to know she doesn't want to hug someone then she shouldn't have to. And if she doesn't want someone touching her bottom then she shouldn't have to let them. Ignore the eye rolls. I told my 3 that their bodies have public parts and private parts. Private parts are just that and no one needs to see or touch those parts ( unless a Dr etc.....with me there).

My kids liked this. They don't understand the more nuanced aspects of it at that age but they remember the catchy song about your private parts being only for you. It's a lighthearted way to introduce the message without being weird

There's also this. A little American but comes at it from a different angle

My DD is 1.5 and we say to her ‘Can I have a hug/ kiss?’ She either obliges, or shakes her head! If another child was holding onto her and she was trying to get away, I’d speak up for her as well. It’s not too early to model consent.