Name changed for this.
My DD is 13 and sees her father every Autumn for two days and again in the Summer for two days. He lives 2.5 hours away from us and on the occasion she sees him in the Summer I take her 250 miles to his home town because I have some where to stay there.
History is that we split up when she was 19 months old because he was never at home or in any way involved with DD (planned, had a home together etc). Later transpired he had been cheating on me throughout pregnancy onwards with multiple partners but that isn’t the point.
Ex continued to have lots of partners which he lived with (and their children) until he settled on one person two years ago. Current partner is very different in every way to previous partners (very “square”, a little sanctimoniousness , doesn’t enjoy socialising). Ex’s sister told me that this new partner is controlling and insists on accompanying ex at all times. DD has met her four times now and they get on well, which I’m pleased about. She has shared some very strong opinions with DD in the past but at 13, she really has her head screwed on and thinks about things scientifically and logically.
He has always paid a very small amount towards DD and in many cases when she was younger, nothing at all. Whenever I threatened to take him to court, he said he would leave his job and go back to being a chef, claiming cash so he would therefore owe me very little. I have 100% custody of DD by default; he has never wanted DD overnight or anything like that.
An unprecedented visit occurred this weekend (on Fri and Sat). He came with partner and they took DD to lunch and to swim on Saturday. First time he has seen her in the Spring since 2013. She was quite excited!
When ex dropped DD home, he was spouting really anti-Semitic nonsense which would be too offensive for me to write here. We are not Jewish and he has no history of this kind of talk. Started telling DD and me that celebrities are eating children and started talking in great detail about associated paedophile rings and child pornography (in a negative light). He said that he needed to admit to me that his partner had told DD that her Autism (classic girl with ASD- masks a great deal) was caused by her MMR vaccine. I confirmed to DD that she was born Autistic and even Ex agreed that it had been obvious in her as a baby (in hindsight).
DD said that his partner frowns at her putting hair gel on (very curly hair) and scans everything in shops to check for toxic ingredients. I have the very same app but it felt as if it was oppressive. She kindly bought DD a natural brand of lip balm and told her to throw out her other ones at home.
DD had a massive meltdown last night (first in approx 6 months). When she broke down she told me that they had been telling her that she, “didn't know the half of it” about me! There is nothing to tell at all. I have remained single and focused all of my energies on providing a beautiful home, great opportunities for DD, working full time, whilst managing her SN.Luckily, I have very close family helping me out. DD said she was quick to defend me to them, poor girl, as there is very little she doesn’t know about me. She had to be held and rocked with her blanket to get over the upset this caused her and it got me wondering when I just say stop, no more. I have tirelessly tried to build bridges between DD and her father.
They want DD to go and stay with them, and I’ve encouraged her to do so until now. She hasn’t slept over at friends’ houses (he didn’t have a home until he started to rent with this partner- was always living in previous partners’ houses so it didn’t come up) but Melatonin has saved us because she can fall asleep on her own and she is now ready. I really don’t know what to suggest though. Something feels very off.