Single Mum Working Full Time… Never Get a Break

[Anonymousmummmy]

Hi everyone, I think this is going to end up being more of a rant! I’m a single mum to a 1.5 yr old toddler and I work full time. I do 4 days a week working from home whilst my toddler goes to nursery, and once a week I get up at 04:30 in the morning to commute 4 hours into the office, and then 4 hours back in the evening (I usually get home around 22:00). On the day I go into the office, I drop my LO off with my mum about 1.5 hours away but she’s always asking me to try and find another arrangement so she doesn’t have to have him anymore which I’m finding impossible (firstly, I don’t have any money left each month to pay for someone, and secondly, I don’t even know if it’s even possible to find someone who’d come to my house and look after him for 16-17 hours), and I’m also finding it really stressful knowing she doesn’t want to look after him anymore and that she could literally just tell me she’s not doing it anymore at any point.

I have recently been applying for jobs locally but I’m really struggling to find something that’s well paid (I absolutely cannot take a pay cut as I use every penny each month). Nursery is around £1K per month plus my mortgage, personal loan, car loan, food, all the bills, insurance, commuting expenses… I mean my outgoings are a massive stressor currently but I’m somehow just about staying afloat and waiting until he’s 2 and I’ll get the 15hrs of free childcare which will be a slight weight off my shoulders🙌 It just means I cannot spend a penny (literally) on anything that is ‘non essential’ - no clothes, no outings, no shopping, no meals out or anything… And this can be very isolating. I have to be incredibly strict with myself. I have asked other family members and friends if anyone could help out with looking after him but they’ve all declined.

Oh and his dad is not in the picture (physically or financially at all - I don’t get 1p from him even though I have been trying to get the child maintenance service to do something about this since baby was born). I have requested 3 times to switch to collect and pay but they keep rejecting my requests and saying they can’t find him so can’t do anything about it - even though I have provided his address, DOB, name, family details, email, number etc.

Anyway, I am beyond burnout. I’ve reached the point where I feel like I’m about to explode. I’m exhausted and drained. My toddler wakes up at 05:30 in the morning and wakes up multiple times at night for milk (I’m still breastfeeding), I work 40+ hours a week, 04:30-22:00 day once a week with 8 hours of travelling in one day, high pressure job, sole parent to my toddler, and no one’s offered once to come and give me a break for a day at a weekend or something even though I’ve asked, sod that BEGGED for someone to help me out even once. All I want is a few hours for the first time in 1.5 years to sit down and do absolutely nothing before I explode from sheer exhaustion😔 I don’t know how much longer I can keep going on like this, I feel so overwhelmed.

Is anyone in the same boat out there? I only know people who are in a couple or have lots of help and breaks from family so it’s so hard to relate🥲 Thanks and sorry for the long one🙏

Bless you. Things are really tough for you. Hang in and try to remain positive. Life can change for the better. Your toddler's dad though should be ashamed to not be supportive.

Hi Op,

I really feel for you. Do you really not have any other family or friends who could help you out for a couple of hours well in advance so you can get a break? I feel like helping you out myself!

I think your only option is to try and find local work. Or maybe look at things that are mainly work from home, that way could you take a slight pay cut if you take out commute costs and would that reduce the child care you need also x

That sounds really hard op and an 8 hour commute every week is completely unsustainable! I'm not sure if you're just venting or looking for solutions but is it possible to move closer to your work if you're struggling to find a job close to you? Not sure what your situation is with where you live but if your only assistance is from your mum being closer to her might also be helpful.

Night weaning might make things easier too if you're up for it. I just did this by offering water at night and my two both got over it very quickly. More sleep makes everything better.

I could have written this post! Single parent here, too. Don't let anyone, including you, underestimate the insane mental load being a single parent gives you.

My advice for the longer term is mostly practical. Maybe try looking into whether you can do compressed hours, or whether you can request some flexible working arrangement that works better (rules change in April, I believe). Possibly a childminder would be cheaper/more flexible with extra hours?

I'd also try to wean him off breastfeeding, but that's just me. Aware others have different views on this. Just figured, it'd give you a decent night's sleep. Remember sleep deprivation is considered a torture technique for a reason!

Now, the emotional advice: Six months will go in the blink of an eye, but that doesn't help you today.

Today, when he's gone to bed, take some time for yourself. The second he's gone to sleep, have a bath/nap on the sofa/stare out of the window/read a book/whatever.
The washing up, laundry, and all those toys on the floor don't matter. You do.

Another thought...do you have a local church? They're often fab with this sort of stuff. A fellow single mum turned up at a church service one morning with her toddler, broke down in tears when someone at the door said "good morning", and a lovely lady sat with her for the entire morning, bringing her coffee, finding toys for the toddler, and generally giving her some much needed headspace.

Be kind to yourself. You're doing three people's jobs here, all by yourself. You are allowed to find it hard work - cos it bloody is.

That sounds tough.

I guess the options really are to find a way around it as it's the only way it'll improve.

Could you move to where your job is?

Can you WFH FT for a while?

Can you find a nursery for that day near your office to put LO in?

I'm sure they are all ideas you've considered but I think you'll have to execute an option to improve things .

I know you said every penny is accounted for but is there anyway you could even stay near your work for a night each week?

It's just so unfair how bloody relentless it is whilst the fathers get to walk away, not help and not pay

This sounds so exhausting. Can you negotiate working from home 5 days a week and an office in person visit to once a month? May be worth an informal chat about it at work (ask for a trial for 3 months?) and it also reduces the pressure on your mum too meaning the childcare may be more sustainable for her? Wish you well. Hang in there

I can't offer much advice but I can day I feel you. Lone full time working parent here. I commute at least 3 days. I also have to deal with overnight travel. As I ask for favours for work trips I never ask for weekend favours. I have managed to have my haircut once in 2 years. I hope you can find a solution soon. I don't know any other single parents but if I did I would set up a babysitting exchange.

Your commute is insane! What’s the story there? I’d either move closer to work or look for a more local job. I know what you mean about the pay but surely there must be something in your field closer than 4 hours.

Are any of the nursery staff p/t and you could perhaps ask them to sit for him on the long day? Could you take a week of leave to recharge and get in touch with some recruiters?

All your comments mean so much honestly❤️ Thank you for taking the time. After reading these I think I really need to focus on finding a new job closer to home so hopefully that eases things - something needs to change as you say! I need to get motivated. I also think it’s a good idea to speak to work about WFH 5 days a week - I just feel cheeky asking but I’ve been there 5 years so what’s the worst that can happen from that conversation! My job is in London so I get paid a London salary currently, which is why I’m struggling to find something closer to home without taking a pay cut. I’m having a cup of tea this evening and left the toys on the floor as one of you suggested😂 Hope you all have a lovely evening x

Hello, happened upon your message & really felt for you. I hope that things improved for you. Did you find a solution? 💐

Me too OP.. stumbled across this post (didn't realise it was old) - hope things improved for you.

OP I am sorry how you are feeling but the role you are doing is simply not sustainable long term. An 8 hour commute is a full working day. It's also far to long a day for your mum to care for a toddler from the sounds of it.

I am going to be honest and I normally wouldn't suggest this but maybe in your case it would be better to give up work for a little while until your child's 2 year funding becomes available for childcare and claim universal credit. Your 8 hour commute would be perfectly valid reasons. If you rent this is an option for your but if you idn your house far more tricky.

Use the time you have off work to recharge your batteries also please don't take this the wrong way but also to wean your child of night breastfeeding so you can sleep properly. You need to rest and cannot do that whilst getting woken multiple times a night nor could anyone else look after your child overnight to give you a rest until they are not breastfeeding at night. This will also give you time to find the right job.

Unfortunately sometimes when you have kids under a certain age working is not financially viable (it wasn't for me). I have only increased my hours now my youngest is in school. Childcare costs would have outstripped my wage before that (3 kids) and we would have been far worse of financially.

I think you need a total reset and to work out what is pushing you to breaking point. Reading your post the 2 things that jump out are the commute and the broken sleep both can be tackled one at a time.

Single parent here too. No family support. I worked FT and it honestly nearly broke me.

Have you looked into Universal Credit for help with the nursery fees? I was earning what I considered a good wage when my marriage split and had never claimed benefits. I didn't think I would qualify but you may be surprised. I was missing out on hundreds each month!

Dropping to four days for 12 months helped. Would they consider a fixed term / temporary change of hours or 5 day remote working? It might go down better.

I also second what pp have said about prioritising sleep and making sure you do something that gives you joy or look forward to no matter how small.The saying 'Happy mum, happy child' is so true.

I think you need to try to prioritise fixing that eight-hour round trip. It sounds completely unsustainable.

I haven't anything practical to suggest, but I wanted to express sympathy and solidarity. It's so hard w/out wider family rushing in to give support.

If you were nearer to me (you're not) I would be wanting and offering to help you.

Speak to citizens advice and go through options with them. They really helped when I was going through similar. There's even an online chat you can use. They will look at benefits if you take a lower paid job (it will cover some nursery fees) and if there's any way you can reduce out goings.