Being accused of child neglect by my ex

[Mls1984btc]

Hi,

Currently approaching the final stage of the divorce proceedings.

Both my ex and I, together with my child, is still living in the same house. My child is refused to engage with me as he has blamed me for initiating the divorce proceedings so in terms of communication, I will be texting him and brief chat when he pops downstairs for his dinner.

Ex has now accused me of child neglect and reported me to socia services. He is keen to have me removed from the house. He claimed that I did not care about my son's education, well-being and care.

I believe the financial motive is behind this accusation- he has recently lost his job (allegedly by a police report that I filed against him) and was keen to stay in the house. He has blamed me for him losing and job plus significant litigation fees from the financial court proceedings.

I have not been approached by the socia services but have contacted them to confirm an active case has lodged against my son, pending social worker.

This is a brand new minefield for me as I have never had any dealings with Police and Social Services. Very distressing and upsetting.

I struggle to locate physical evidence, except messages and emails to my son or his school that shows that I am actively involved in his life. I make sure there's food and water in the house, clothes and shoes, ask him to attend counselling or whether he likes to chat constantly.

Anybody can provide insight on what should I do to protect my position now?

I'm confused how he is accusing you of neglect when the three of you live in the same house, surely it's just as much his dad's responsibility as yours?

I assume ds is fed, watered, clothed, has his own room, goes to school etc, what exactly is DH accusing you of? You can't force ds to engage with you.

Exactly that! I am confused too.

Is a retaliation move against me lodging the report against him.

I have called social services 3 times today but no social worker has been assigned.

I do not want to stress my son even further but I am at wits end as to what to do. Apparently the system will not prejudice unfounded and malicious accusations and is up to me to defend my position.

My son is a teenager so I am lucky to get two words out of him each day. He will come to me if he need stuff and I will message and email him constantly. My ex has also mentioned they are living in fear and scared to come down for food but my son is down every day? I am really confused how he can bring these accusations forward.

Is your ex your son's Dad?

To be honest, you both sound as bad as each other. You files a report that got him fired and he has reported you to social services.

In the meantime your poor child is caught between the pair of you.

Sounds like a revenge report.

Do you have regular food shop receipts or transactions on your bank card statement? School uniform and clothes purchases for the teenager?

I thought this. Poor kid

God you need to live apart immediately. This is going to get horrific.
As pp said he is 50% responsible as in the home so he will be neglecting too. Doesnt sound like there is any neglect but it does sound like a horrible home for you and your son
Can you get him out

I did not filed this to get him fired. I filed this to stop him from harassing, bully and abusing me. This was the 1st time I done that.

Also I am not convinced that he has been fired due to my report.

He is reluctant to leave the house as he thinks with him losing the job he should have higher needs to stay at the FMH. It is a stressful situation but unfortunately as I am buying him out, and I have no means of moving out, there's no way for us to reach resolution.

The Final Hearing for financial remedy is due in a couple of months so I do believe that this has contributed to his behaviour escalating from the usual stonewalling.

If you're buying him out it won't be his house anymore.

I have been pleading with him to leave (his family live 5 minutes away with his own bedroom) which ended up with him reporting me to social services.

He is hell bent on staying, despite my offer of lump sum for him to find alternative accommodation. He is convinced that since my son prefers him (in his mind) he should stay in the house and me leaving. Very stressful dealing with him. He has a history of mental health issue (apparently caused by me) so I have a duty to support him and with me breaking up the family, that means I need to go instead.

That's what the Judge has indicated at the financial hearing. He has refuse to agree the terms - hence why it will progress to the Final Hearing, where the Judge will decide for us.

He is convinced that with me being accused of neglect, it will add strength to support his claim of higher equity or mesher order. He has no qualms about me being essentially homeless if it comes to this. And this is a man I have been in relationships with for 20 years.

Seriously what's with the victim blaming this week?

Op filed a legitimate police report - she didn't bitch to his boss.

Maliciously reporting her to social services only backs up her police report, it isn't bloody justified.

And it isn't a case of "as bad as each other"

Honestly some of you people wind me right up

The list of items that I listed in the police report against my ex are historical issues that I pleaded with him to stop.

I keen to hear from others what kind of issues people will have for my narrative

You dont have a duty to him. You have a duty to yourself and your son.
When can you buy him out?
I would contact DV services and get it logged that he refuses to leave and is demonstrating high level coersive behaviour.

The judge is only concerned with the finances. He will see yiu buying him out as generous and fair.

I have been through a very similar experience. From the refusing to leave the house, to false reports that continue, to the financial order taking 3 years and me having to take it back 3 times to be enforced.
They are utter parasites.

I can buy him out once the Judge signed the consent order. Really worried about what sort of shenanigans will await me if we even got to that stage.

Legally is still his house. I cannot force him to leave and he is convinced of that. I am seeking legal advice now as to remove him from the house, even temporarily.

Any report to social services won't have any bearing on the financial order and the house. Even if it were true it's still a separate issue. The fact that your child is a teenager means that neglect is not so much of an issue - I mean you can neglect a teenager but it has to be pretty bad before social services get involved and if it were that bad he would be just as culpable as you as you live in the house together! He sounds like a dick and he's just playing silly games.

If you report the controlling behaviour you have reason to get him to leave.

I am meeting a solicitor for a free half an hour session tomorrow.

With him losing/lost his job, I need to step up at least financially for my son so really conscious of how much the whole ordeal is going to cost. Even worse if it gets to criminal stage (if he is actually asking the Police to investigate me)

I am thinking the worse case scenarios so at least I am mentally prepared for it.

Why dont you leave OP? You have parents/siblings/friends that can put you up for a few months? I say this as he is refusing, so what other choice is there. Staying together like that is a minefield and massively stressful as one can fear going back home from work

Good luck

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid? Their staff will understand your situation as sadly it isn't unusual, and they may be able to support you and help you with what is the best thing you can.

I would consider keeping a record of the times your son is down and how long for, and what he is doing, getting food etc. I think this can form part of your evidence.

I think it is best to stay in the house but to reduce your communication with your ex.

Have you looked up 'grey rock' ? Or narcissistic abuse? Coercive control? On you tube or articles online?

Turning things around and accusing you is absolute classic for perpetrators of abuse (DARVO). It is good you made the police report.

Sorry you are going through this. It must seem absolutely unbelievable.

Unfortunately I do not any family support in this country. Very few friends and they are mainly from work. The majority of my life I have been with my ex. It took a lot of courage to split but I am still glad I took that decision.

I dread coming home from work- sensing him in the house is enough to sap my energy. I am using work as a distraction but I am really worried about all these allegations now as it feels he is hell bent on destroying both my reputation and professional status.

You remind me of the young lady who was new in our office and she confined in me. This is how I worked it it must be a nightmare going back home from work as she split with her hubby of x years and one of her in-laws lived in the same house, but no kids.

As this young lady was like you, no firneds outside work and parents in the motherland etc - I told her to stay in her bedroom, have a microwave e in there and try to manage as best as she can - it was 12 months of hell.

I'd consider having a one-on-one with the manger if trustworthy or HR
Same for the school
Make it clear its in confidence and they are not to tell him
This way they can easily come to you if any more allegations
Share your child caring, draw up contract with him
Good luck

Yes I have. They are great with listening and have signposting me to provide me with my legal options.

I believe they are the one who brought me to National Domestic Abuse Helpline, another amazing organisation which is assisting me now. I am very grateful with these support but keen to prepare for the upcoming allegations from my ex.