Pre teen tantrums/anxiety

[E79]

I am a mum of 3 girls who feels lost. My second DD is bright and can be very sweet and caring but over the last couple of years she has struggled with her emotions and has regular angry outbursts that resemble a toddle tantrum. There is no reasoning with her when she is in the zone - she screams and shouts at us all, throws small items around, stamps her feet. It’s frightening for the other two girls and for us. I work really hard to keep my own emotions in check and stay calm so as not to escalate the situation but this isn’t always easy. My DH gets really upset and angry and so he stays out of it (following a discussion we had together and both agree that it was better for him to remove himself and scoop up the other two to protect them from the noise). To say it’s been emotional and heartbreaking is an understatement. We are a standard family of 5. The girls go to nice, local schools, we both work full time, have a good extended family network, lovely friends, nice holidays and days out, movie nights etc.

The outbursts, more recently, are limited to mornings before school. She doesn’t want to go, she hates it, she hates her uniform… she achieves well at school and only gets glowing reports from teachers. I have spoken with the SENCO to make her aware. we both think that there is some anxiety issues that she is struggling to manage. She has recently started some Play Therapy (she has had 4 sessions) I can only hope that these will offer her the space to find strategies to help her cope with her emotions. I should also add that at other times, when she is calm, she is the most delightful kid to be around. She is funny, chatty and we can have some great chats. What we can’t chat about is her outbursts as she shuts down or will nod along until I have said what I need to say but there is little back from her.

If anyone out there has experienced this or anything similar and found ways of helping their child to overcome this or tips to help an at loss mum, would be great to hear from you.

My now 12 year old was like this. She would walk through the front door and the screaming and tantrums would start. Nobody would have to say much and the tantrums would start. Almost like a two year old tantrum and it would last for ages. She did however come and apologise to me afterwards, and when calm, she was delightful and caring. However, there was absolutely no reasoning with her when she was in the zone. Im pleased to say she has stopped doing this and outgrew it when she was around 10.5. She was a very anxious child and would worry about the smallest of things. After covid she attended a summer club who picked up on her anxiety, they suggested i send her to the youth club that had funding that looked at managing emotions post covid. They also ran a netball club with older girls who where like a mentors. Im not sure if that did the trick but as she grew older she managed her emotions better. Things like starting high school, which I thought would trigger her anxiety and the trantrums didnt. She seems quiet happy and content now and is more willing to put herself in uncomfortable situations.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It’s super helpful to hear your experience and I am really pleased that things improved for your daughter. She starts secondary (high) school in September and I have the same worries as you - will this trigger her anxiety and send her spiralling?! It’s great to hear about your positive transition experience. Also, I love the sound of the camp - can you give more info? I am UK based.

This sounds very hard OP, bit probably not unusual.

What is your dd stressed about? Any issues at school or with friendships?

Could she be autistic, they say autistic girls mask at school but release all the pressure at home.

How about hobbies, does she have any?

Please try not to treat her as someone scary who you need to protect your other dc and the rest of the family from, this attitude will really alienate her.

She has great friendships and is really happy at school.

She is not treated as someone scary but those big emotions are overwhelming for the other chn and sets their day off to a negative start as well, it’s not fair on them. My youngest has started to copy cat her behaviour which is another reason why I prefer them not to witness it - it becomes distressing for all.

She does not display common characteristics of autism and having had some professional intervention, this has not come to the fore either.

My now 13.5 year old was exactly like this from 8 to about 12.5. She is slowly coming out the other side. She hates school, she finds it overwhelming, noisy. She is very sensitive. Lots of covid related anxiety. There is literally nothing that works until they have snapped out of it. You have my sympathies. It has been very challenging!

It was just a local club for girls, but a lot of the work they did was more to do with covid related issues but it helped her with her issues. Her tantrums started long before covid though. I also thought about masking and autism and a friend had suggested i get her tested, i researched it online and couldnt find any other symptoms. She is an introvert, and i think looking back, it was all the days fustrations all coming out at once, plus things that were worrying her. When i read your post, i asked her what helped the most, and she just said it became tiring, and i try not to worry about things anymore. I do remember how hard it was, though. i tried everything, but she just wouldn't listen to reason. Nothing helped when she was in the zone. I think the best approach is to put in place strategies so she doesn't get to the explosive stage as once she is there, there is no going back until she calms down. I also thought there was issues with attachment. So I'd give her a long cuddle as soon as she walked through the door. Id take her to one side and talk to her about her day and try to catch her worries before she had her melt down. When she was calm i also tried to make her understand that she needs to take control, i asked her three things that she could do when she felt like she was about to melt down. She tried reading, going to her room, listening to music. It took a long time for her to not be so stuborn and follow through with her strategies.

You sound like an amazing mum @Drivingbuttercup

One thing that has helped with my DS (who is a bit younger but struggles with emotional regulation) is to do all I can to remove the feelings of shame that arise from the outbursts. So lots of validating the big feelings (‘that sounds really hard’, ‘yes of course you’d be really disappointed that X or Y can’t happen’) etc. Then when he’s calmer we’ll talk about how it’s completely normal to have those big feelings and there’s nothing wrong with him for having them. Anger isn’t ‘bad’ etc. And, importantly, that I love him no matter how he behaves and nothing he can do will make me love him less or more. And also that I’m not scared of his big feelings.

Only then will we talk about how it’s not ok to e.g call his sister horrible names when he’s angry or throw his stuff around the room. And about potential strategies of what else he can do. It’s been a very slow process but then I realise that it’s been weeks since he’s had a full on meltdown and realise that it is getting better. They’ll always be blips though…

Thank you, yes talking when she is calmer and explaining that those feelings are normal but the reactions need to be controlled and discussing what strategies she could use next time those feelings rise is always better. Unfortunately, she nods along and can be dismissive. I lie in bed with her every night and hug her, tell her Iove her no matter what and reassure her that we will always be there for her. I repeat regularly that I am there for when she needs to talk about a worry or problem.

I shall keep plugging away … thank you for sharing your experience.

I was wondering if signing her up with a busy activity might help? Either Guides or a local netball or hockey club? If she is into dance, could she join an intense programme? If she is into art, could you get her a tutor from a local art school? What activities would she naturally enjoy?

Thanks for your message. She has little interest in extra activities outside of school, I think this is because of her anxiety about leaving home or being with new groups. She does lots of clubs in school including Netball, I signed her up to a club outside of school and she went once and refused to go again. There was an art club in the holidays that she was going to do with a friend. I left her for 5 minutes and was called by the organisers to say she was crying and wanted to leave, I collected her and took her home.

I have offered so many options but at the moment, she is not willing. I do like your idea of getting her a tutor for something like Art, I think on this 1:1 basis she may consider it and get lots from it. Definitely will explore this as an option. Thanks 🙏🏽 really appreciate your time in responding.

Could she be neurodivergent?

Quite possibly … she will spend time with the play therapist that she has been seeing and at the end of the summer term we should get some substantial feedback about the sessions and if there are other avenues to explore…

My ten year old DD has always struggled with regulating her emotions, had really severe tantrums as a baby and toddler and hasn't really grown out of them - although they're much less frequent.

However, her anxiety is now rampant and she's having very troubling intrusive thoughts. We are working with a therapist and it's helping. I think hormones have a part to play in it too.

No advice, just solidarity and empathy! It's really draining to be constantly walking on egg shells. My DD is home educated, so is with me most of the time and it's very tiring as she's so easy to upset/anger.

Following

OP how did you get the play therapist?

And what does she do there? I mean with it being called play therapy, what does she play when she's there? How does it pan out?

The school facilitates the sessions. The play therapist comes in once a week and spends 45mins in each session. The space and time is designed to build self esteem and trust. There are loads of activities and games/toys which the therapist will allow the child to lead and explore. The idea is that through play and once their relationship is established, conversations can be guided and it becomes a safe space for my daughter to identify her triggers and establish strategies to help her to identify and manage her big emotions when they become overwhelming. We are only 4 sessions in at the moment so I can’t give much feedback. Other parents whose children have had sessions have raved about the positive impact on their child whether it’s been to develop self esteem, confidence, overcome anxiety or support through bereavement. I am hopeful.

Wow that's good
Sounds better than my school then

My just turned 11yo is like this. She is a sensitive child and we thought we’d have outgrown the tantrums by now. They are less than they used to be but still vicious. She just has a lot of emotions in a changing body and no clue how to handle them.

She’s currently working towards her sats which is anxiety inducing, she will be starting secondary school in September which is anxiety inducing, her hormones are all over the place bless her and she will probably be starting her periods soon. All massive changes for someone so young.

We do lots of reassurance, we’ve recently joined her up to Guides to build her confidence, lots of hugs and love and just trying to navigate this stage.

I have no advice but lots of sympathy!

@TheGriffle I agree that hormones play a huge part at this age and most def for my girl too. Thanks for sharing.

@purpleme12 I think most schools have contacts outside they can refer to, even if they don’t come to the school itself. Worth asking the SENCO if it’s something you wanted to explore.

Yes I know I have.
I have slowly come to the realisation that ours isn't that bothered about my child. Probably because she doesn't show any hard behaviour in school.
Either that or the senco isn't bothered about my child

I would also question if she could be autistic.

@purpleme12 that’s unfair. Your GP should be able to guide or make referrals too. Worth a try if you haven’t already.