What age did your children start doing things for themselves, how do your kids treat you & how to be a better parent?

[WhatAPickleThisIsAtXmas]

Wide ranging topic I know, but all on my mind.

For context...My sons are 9&13, 9 year old has AuHD. I am a single parent with no support other than the magical every other weekend 1 or 2 nights. I have just bought a house, we commute 10 mins to our old village (where I am desperate to be back in) so eldest can get the bus to HS, and youngest goes to primary. I work 27 hours a week, majority of it during school hours (youngest cannot go to ASC), some in the evening to make up for days in the office commute. I need to increase my hours/change to FT role.

My sons can do the basics. I still do all cooking and cleaning, packed lunches, bed making, putting them to bed (a poem before they will sleep), walk the dog, take cutlery out of their rooms...just all of it! they have football 5x a week. The eldest is so rude to me, he gets frustrated with me, he thinks i prefer my youngest, he thinks im too soft, and i am, i cant stand confrontation. Are your children the same? I need to create more space for work, I don't know how.

Because of that, I am constantly tired, grumpy, fat and slow. I have put on 2 stone. And my eldest is sometimes embarrassed of me I think. I appreciate I create a rod for my own back, I don't know how much is me needing to be needed. I am struggling to move to the next part of parenting but recognise the need to.

It’s time to lay down the law and give them jobs to do - no pocket money if they don’t keep their rooms today and don’t do their chores. Why do they have cutlery in their rooms?????

Thanks @Rocknrollstar ,I know I need to, I wonder if my eldest is sometimes frustrated because I'm not stern enough, although he also says he prefers being with me than his dad and he feels he can be himself with me.

I'm almost too close, I can't seem to get above to be more of a parent and not a friend. It's not serving any of us. I lack confidence and grew up in an unsafe home. I tend to let people walk all over me. But now, we really do need a higher income, I can't keep up and I'm in a small-ish amount of debt. I HAVE To set more boundaries. I feel horrible guilt when I do.

I’m in a similar position to you op - single parent of 3 of similar ages- one of whom has additional needs - and the oldest is waiting for ADHD diagnosis. I work similar hours as my youngest with additional needs can’t attend after school club because of her disabilities. I’ve just forced myself to set up a chore chart - at the moment it’s more work for me because it’s changing the routine and teaching them how to do the jobs, and also leading to some confrontation as they get used to it - but I need them to be as independent as possible for all of our sakes and babying them isn’t doing any of us any favours. I’ve started small - one chore per day per child, as it’s all I can manage! But I’m planning to build up from there. Good luck, you’re doing brilliantly- just a few tweaks and things will feel much better :)