Daughter anxious about French school trip

[Josie1968]

My daughter is 12 and is in year 8. A school trip to Normandy was organised and initially she wanted to go so I signed her up and paid the deposit. However she’s been getting really anxious about it and saying she doesn’t want to go now and getting really teary when I try and talk to her about it. She’s been away from home a lot on scouts camping trips, primary school residential, and been on holiday with her friend and always had a great time. All I can get out of her is that she’ll be homesick and that it’s abroad. She’s only been abroad once before when she was 2, as we normally stay in the uk and rent a cottage. I’d really like her to go as I think she’ll enjoy it. My husband says we should make her go, but I’m not sure what to do. I know giving in to anxiety isn’t the answer though, as if she doesn’t face it now it will always stop her from doing things. Things are fine otherwise, she’s got a nice close circle of friends and seems happy at school. I’ve been in touch with the teacher who has offered reassurance that he would sit her next to her friend on the coach and make sure they were sleeping in the same dorm. I’d appreciate your thoughts, thank you.

She won’t have time to be homesick if the trip is well planned.
Ask the teacher for a super detailed itinerary and talk her through it. Maybe if she can picture what it will actually be like, she won’t be as anxious. She will find it hard to imagine that her days will be filled in a way that they aren’t at home.
Maybe you could ask her to point out which points in the day are bothering her. Probably she won’t be able to because the trip to the chocolaterie looks amazing, and the scavenger hunt round the market is so fun and the visit to the goat farm will be cute and the day out at the landing beaches will packed with interesting activities and info.

Push her to go - trust me it’ll be the making of her and she won’t regret it. My DD was a really anxious, clingy child and had never even spent a night away from me before going on her first school trip abroad. She was 10 and went on a ski trip to Italy. She was nervous and there were lots of tears in the days beforehand but in the end she had the absolute time of her life and didn’t want to come home! She won’t even have time to feel homesick - she’ll be occupied by her friends and the staff will have plenty of activities + outings arranged to keep them busy

DD is 19 now and really missing the big school trips abroad she had when she was younger! Lots of fond memories. Travelling with friends at that age is just the best fun, nothing compares to the thrill and it’s amazing to help build their independence and self confidence

One of my children is incredibly anxious about school trips.
Things that have helped were making sure they were fully involved in the packing process, clothing that made them feel comfortable and even a jumper of mine as an evening layer they wore to bed for comfort.
Pillow from home.
A favourite book, perhaps a new one from a series they enjoy.
Fidget toys helped during travel.
Special snacks.
Inventory written out by them so they knew what each day would involve - better at processing something they've written themselves than a printed list from school.
Double check info from school that she will be with her friend - this is important.
Extra money for buying souvenirs helps too 😉
I hope it goes well for her.

I’d add to this with pre-planned outfits. It made it far easier for DD to just be able to grab a bag out of her suitcase with all of her clothes for that day already sorted rather than having to stress over putting a whole new outfit together every morning. It’s the little things!!

Are they allowed to take phones? DD became nervous about a no-phone residential in Y7, but after talking with school, her phone was allowed to go. It was looked after by a teacher; she only had it to call us in the evenings. After the first evening, we didn't get another call and she had a great time.

I would emphasise with her feelings about the trip and say it is normal to feel a bit nervous before going away particularly to a new place but that once she is on the trip she will be so busy enjoying the experiences that she won’t have time to worry. When she comes back she will have been glad to have gone and will hopefully have the confidence to do school trips further afield in the future. I would go through the itinerary and point out a few highlights. My children loved their school trip to Normandy. There are some very interesting world war 2 visits etc. and it is not far from home. Are they going by ferry? She might enjoy buying oversized chocolate or the large tic tac box on her way home!

I meant empathise with her feelings in my post above! Can’t find out how to edit it.

Thanks that’s a really good idea… she would love the goat farm and market scavenger hunt! :)

Thank you it’s lovely to hear about your daughter. It’s hard when she cries every time I talk to her about it, but I know you’re right. I was a really anxious child and I know how horrible it is when you’re frightened to do something but I know she’ll love it if she goes.. 😊

Thank you, yes she’s going by ferry. I’ve asked her whether it’s travelling on a ferry that’s making her worry but she said it’s not so I’m not really sure what it is.. I’m going to chat with her again over the Easter Holidays 🤞

I think you misunderstood my message as I was thinking the ferry would be something fun to look forward to. I think the most normal worries for girls at this age on trips are whether they will be next to x on the coach or who they are in a room with but they tend to change their mind on that until the last moment anyway! But maybe best not to use “are you worried about x” type questions as you don’t want to give her extra worries she hasn’t thought about. I would wait for her to bring anything up and say you can chat to the school about it so they can provide reassurance.

My daughter went last year and really misses her French trip. She had the best time ever and would do it again tomorrow. I have an anxious other child and know this will crop up but definitely think it’s important for their confidence for them to do these things.

It's probably just the being away from home part. I found that very anxiety-inducing as a child too. Going against the grain I actually wouldn't make her go. I'm a confident adult who has regularly travelled alone and settled immediately into university at 18 but prior to that I often felt anxious about being away from home overnight. It didn't help when I did go away, I just counted down the hours until I came home. I naturally grew out of it in time.

I agree with your DH. Push her to go (nicely of course!). Something like this sets the tone for how (you and) your DD will deal with things for the rest of her life. Don't let anxiety put her off or she will remain forever anxious. It's a cliche but feel the fear and do it anyway.

When I was 12, my parents sent me to France to stay with a French family (actually my mother's French penfriend from her own school days). I had never been overseas and had never flown before. And I did it all on my own. Yes, I was nervous but actually it was fine. And it set me on a path where I ended up doing very well in MFL and ultimately living and working in France for several years. I've travelled the world since then and lived and worked in quite a few countries.

By contrast, my best friend from childhood was never pushed by her parents. Years later, she still suffers from anxiety and is scared of doing pretty much anything - she actually cried on a flight to Paris when visiting me (we were both 40 at this stage!) despite her DP taking her to the airport and me meeting her at the other end and the only time she was alone was in departures and on the short flight. My friend now says how much she wishes her parents has pushed her as her life could have been very different.

Thanks for this other perspective :) I think it is because she’ll be abroad rather than in the UK. She’s been on trips before without us and been fine but she says this is further away than she’s been before and that me and her dad won’t be there. I’m struggling to know what to do.

Thank you. Yes I really don’t want her to be anxious all her life. She struggles quite a bit with social anxiety and I’m getting her to pay for things etc when we go shopping because at the moment she struggles with this kind of thing. My mum has struggled all her life with anxiety and depression and worries so much about seemingly everything and I don’t want my daughter to live that life.

I'd encourage her to go but tell her it's absolutely her choice. Don't put any pressure on her

My dd was the same, none of her friends were going as they all do German and it was the French trip. It was not so long after normal school resumed so she didn't have strong relationships with anyone who was going.

I told her it would be a bit weird if she wasn't nervous.

She had the time of her life. Honestly it was the making of her. She just loved it and is really close to the other girls who went.