Just how bad are the teenage years... honestly?

[jennywren08]

Just looking for some honest accounts of what it's like having teens, always hear people saying how tough it is but wanted to know why and whether there are any positives as well?

Keep them active and that keeps them manageable, in my experience. My friends who had sporty or active teenagers always seemed to have a better time of it.

My 14-year-old is ace! 👍

Agree with this.

Mine is very into sports which is good for both body and mind. Also the friends she has from her sport are really nice and sensible kids who are into healthy living.

And the busier and more tired they are from sports the less time the have to navel-gaze, which so many teens do.

Oh yes. Keep them busy too. Chores and volunteering is great for them.
Gives them good self self esteem and sports/activity helps them to deal
With all the crazy hormones.

It all depends how you ask the question. If you say 'god the pre school years are exhausting! I can't wait until they're teenagers!' then you'll get pages of people telling you that teenagers need you more than toddlers do, and that it isn't easier at all.

My own teenager is a grumpy shitbag but he's still gorgeous and I still adore him. I have a million times more time to myself now that I'm no longer physically wrangling his clothes on and dealing with his minute by minute needs. For most parents, it's loads easier than the early years. They just don't like admitting it.

I have two teens, ds1 (17) and ds2 (15) and they are really kind, friendly and hard-working. They are easy going and they are lovely to spend time with. 🤷

Most of their friends seem to have a similar temperament. I'm beginning to think 5% of the teens are responsible for the vast majority of the bad reputation they have.

Depends on the individual dc, and on the family circumstances.
Like all stages.
Personally, I loved the teen years. Only bettered by this time now when mine are young adults.
I wouldn't go back to the newborn years for anything.

Yes anecdotally only two families of all the many we know are having an awful time both because the teens have mental health issues. They would say toddlers are far easier. The rest of us round say the odd wild party, messy bedrooms and dreadful outfits aside it’s fun having teens.

I love my teen - he's 16.
He makes me laugh. He's super cool.
He has his own mind and doesn't do dumb shit to follow the crowd.
He's no interest in being popular, but he's got lots of really nice friends. He has totally exceeded my expectations.

Yeah he's messy. I just avoid his room.

I have a nearly 16 year old who is a delight - funny, clever, caring, can share jokes with them. I've always said I don't get misty-eyed about my children growing up, but I admit with them now having their own life and being quite a social butterfly I do miss going out as a family as much as we used to and that soon they won't come on holiday with us!

Sometimes it's as hard as you make it - sometimes parents of teens have problems because they don't know how to pick their battles and choose them over things that don't really matter, like clothes or hair or music or something. I think as long as teens are reaching their potential at school, have friends and seem basically happy, superficial aspects of their life that you may or may not like don't matter.

It’s interesting seeing the comments about toddlers vs teens and makes me think that- for many of us- our experiences will be affected by our personality type. I’m quite an introvert, and can be easily irritated by noise and busy environments. I like (and need) a lot of time on my own to decompress, and I also don’t cope well with lack of sleep, so in that sense it makes absolute sense that the toddler years nearly sent me round the bend- the incessantness of it all! I found the chaos difficult to deal with- especially when tired, as I often was in those days thanks to still having to get up in the night to attend to small people. DD used to routinely get up at 5.30 to start the day and that went on for years. I’m not designed to get up at 5.30 😬 She still gets up early now, but she can sort herself out in the mornings now.

As teens, mine are both out and about a lot evenings and weekends, especially from this time of year through till Sept/Oct, so I get to have time on my own, and crucially, I get as much sleep as I need so when I do spend time with the teens, I’m well-rested and wanting to catch up and hear about their day, gossip from their friends etc.

I know a few women who were really brilliant at the toddler bit and loved all the mayhem and noise. Some of them have found it harder in the teen years because their kids are breaking away from them and developing independence, and the mum feels less needed. So personality type is definitely relevant for lots of us.

Also agree with keeping them active (less time on social media is always a positive thing for my two), and with the PP who talked about setting the foundations of good manners and respectful dialogue early on in childhood. Most of them will carry that through to their teens. Ours are polite but know that they can tell us when they’re upset or angry about something. We say sorry to them if we get things wrong, and that encourages them to take responsibility for their own behaviour and be sensitive to their impact on others.

I'm a newbie to the teen years as although I have 4 children I only have one teen currently (my second child is 13 in a few months)
I won't lie I'm finding it hard so far. Eldest is 14, is moody, lazy etc but it's the worry that's the worst
He started hanging around with the 'in' gang at school but now they have turned on him and the main one beat him up last week after school. He's only just told me but is quite bruised and very scared. Lots of threats have followed and also requests for money! He has shown me the messages
No one is really talking to him now because of it as everyone is so scared of this one lad
Still thinking through how to handle it. According to son if I take any action I'll make things worse for him
But wish I could find him and deal with him!
Yep not enjoying the teen years much so far!

What a lovely thread! I hated the toddler and young child years and have been wondering if I'm one of those parents that's better with teens than tiddlers.

I've never liked little kids, and am finding that as my DD gets older (11 now, teen years just around the corner) I am actually enjoying being a mum - now she is a little more independent I have more time to myself, and I love seeing her put an outfit together and play with makeup and discover herself. I find it thrilling.

I wonder if those mums who like to be needed are the ones who enjoy the younger years most and find the pulling away part so sad, whereas mums who don't like being needed are the ones who hate the high dependence of the early years and love the unfolding of wings and taking flight of older kids.

I think we've been very lucky with our teens - DS1 (now 20) was a dream, I used to get messages from people telling me how I should be so proud etc.
DS2 (15), also lovely! Very occasionally gobby, but it's usually short lived.

I know a few women who were really brilliant at the toddler bit and loved all the mayhem and noise. Some of them have found it harder in the teen years because their kids are breaking away from them and developing independence, and the mum feels less needed. So personality type is definitely relevant for lots of us

I love the teen and toddler years. I think the hardest bit is the baby days. I'm good with any stages that include more than three hours sleep.

The worries are bigger, the stakes are higher for more important things with bigger implications to go wrong. That’s what I’m finding hardest and stressful (going out by themselves, driving, being driven by friends, out for the night in the nearest big city and not home until the early hours etc…)

But they’re lovely, interesting kids who have their own opinions about things, their own hopes and aspirations. They both have hobbies which keep them fit, active and happy and good groups of friends.

some of this will be luck but I do very much believe that the standards and expectations are built through their younger years. If you don’t set the foundations and boundaries then I would imagine the teenage years could be a lot more challenging.

Although we aren’t having too bad a time with teen ds (hope I’m not tempting fate!) I do really miss the pre school years, I honestly enjoyed the baby and toddler stage, and so did Dh, he misses it even more than I do!

Mine are DD21 and DS19 and have been fantastic. No sleepless nights, no backchat, no troubles, polite, kind, hard working. I had them very close in age and aged 1-4 was far far harder than teenage years IME.

My teens are fabulous, so much fun to spend time with. I'm excited for them to leave home and go to University but I'm going to miss them so much.

My Mum used to say I was a terrible teen. I was a straight A grade student, had a nice boyfriend and didn't smoke or drink. She had no idea how lucky she was.

Really not that bad. DS1 is now 19. He was a bit of pain around 16/17 when he thought he knew everything and wouldn't accept any sort of attempt to lay down boundaries, but he's absolutely lovely now. DS2 is 17 going on 13. Rather immature and always has to have the last word, hides in his room and grunts etc, but sometimes he can be charming and witty and cuddly. I'm waiting for the hormones to stop beating him about the head so he can be his lovely self again. But I think boys are worse later. Girls tend to be at their most difficult around 12/13 and mostly pretty nice by 15/16, I think. What is genuinely wonderful is seeing the thoughtful, articulate, personable adult emerging from the child. I teach teenagers, and even the most selfish, defiant, mixed-up and unpleasant ones have a nice side if you can find it! They are also much more interesting and fun to be around than younger children, I think.

Had both ends of the spectrum here. When DSD was a teen (she's 31 now), it was horrendous! She was easily able to do whatever she wanted by telling us she was staying at her mum's. Her mum let her do what she liked. It didn't matter what boundaries we put in place because her mum just let her do anything. As a result, her teenage years were tumultuous and very hard and stressful. Thankfully she's a very well rounded wonderful adult (and mother) now.

DD1 and dd2 (20 and 17) are a complete contrast. They've never set a foot out of line. I've never needed to ground them or punish them. We did try to learn from the mistakes we made when DSD was a teen. We keep dialogue open and I hope they can talk to us about anything.

I really think it's just down to luck. DSD's teen years were made worse because she lived between 2 households with opposing values. She knew she could away with anything with her mum. DD1 and 2 don't have that, so they choose to play by the rules.

ETA: DD1, although she's 20 is Autistic and more like a 15-16 year old developmentally, so we still have (soft) rules in place to keep her safe.

I have 2 now at university. One has been very easy at every age. The other was a difficult baby and toddler and also had a difficult year or so around year 8/9 (so around age 13), but since she has come out of that she has been fantastic company and very considerate. Both girls. As someone else said, i think a small number of teens give them all a bad rep.

Pluses and minuses, most teens I’ve met from ds and through work (in a shop) are actually really lovely and more chatty than I remember us being! So environmentally aware and definitely less bigotry, racism etc, they all just seem to get along!! The hormones is scary though, I remember the first time ds properly shouted and I could see in his eyes he had no reason why he was getting so angry over something really really tiny! Scary bits are them going out for a few hours/ to discos and trying to hammer into them to wait for you and not to take lifts from people who don’t seem like safe drivers, don’t go down dodgy lanes etc. on the smaller scale of things there’s the plain old lack of control- you tell them not to do something they’re open to just saying no eg screens, getting them off is a nightmare whereas the younger kids hand them over. In general lucky so far, in general they talk to us about a lot of things (we think😉)

Overwhelmingly positive, I'm so pleasantly surprised by these lovely responses! Thanks all