Emotional first time mummy

[Strawberry06]

My baby is 5 weeks on Wednesday and I'm feeling like a complete failure as a mum.

He can be extremely difficult to settle after feeds during the day and nothing I seem to do can settle him.

Husband puts him on his chest and he'll fall asleep straight away but it doesn't seem to work when I do it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong? Or is this just newborn life?

Yesterday we were in a cafe and he started screaming in his carrier so I took him out. As we were leaving I thought he'd settle once I started walking but he carried on screaming. A women came up to me and said her stomach was churning at the sound (as a mum herself she felt for him I think). I know she was trying to be kind but it made me feel inadequate as a mum like I should be able to stop him crying and I'm incapable.

I want to just be able to cuddle him but he's so strong he wriggles and wants to chuck his head around everywhere, he won't just cuddle into me. Or am I being naive thinking he should do this?

Every time he's screaming I'm just rocking him crying myself wishing for him to stop. I don't even know if I'm rocking him the right way. I've been lucky that my husband has had a month off work with us but I'm dreading him going back for fear baby will just scream all day. I just feel useless :-(

Aww OP - there is nothing in the post above that says you are a failure. In fact I’d say quite the opposite because it’s obvious how much you care and want to get things right.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now but it’s still so so early days and baby will be changing so quickly. What works one day (I’m thinking settling on dad for example) won’t work the next and so you end up just doing what works and that’s how you learn your baby.

Someone said to me once baby was probably picking up on my anxiety (think I had undiagnosed post partum anxiety) and in hindsight that was probably right but it was the most unhelpful comment at the time!! Goes without saying if you’re on your own at your wits end and baby won’t stop crying then leave baby in a safe place and walk away and get a cup of tea or whatever. I found at times when DS was ‘purple’ crying id put earphones in and listen to some calming music for a few mins. That way he could be held but I wasn’t so over stimulated.

If you think baby is most unsettled after feeds, do you think there’s any reflux/colic that might be contributing? Could be worth trip to GP just to check?

Sending you a hug. These days are so tough especially with all of the hormone, sleep deprivation etc but things get easier very quickly. You’re doing great.

Sounds like it might be silent reflux if he’s crying a lot and upset after feeds. Whatever it is it’s definitely not you. I’d make a GP’s appointment.

I don't know why people come up and make those kinds of comments, like how is that helpful? It's not kind or supportive, no one likes the sound of a baby crying (I really really get physically uncomfortable when I hear it) but the reality is babies cry and you can be doing everything perfectly and they will still cry. You're not doing anything wrong op but try and get some. Support or speak to your health visitor if you are feeling low.

@Justsomethoughts thankyou

I don't think he has reflux/colic as I think he'd be crying an awful lot more. In another post someone suggested he might still be hungry but he has 4oz 2-4 hours apart and I don't want to risk over feeding him? I will mention it to HV/GP at his 6-8 week check.

Even when I give him a dummy and it helps settle him I just feel hopeless but relieved at the same time.

My friend suggested earplugs to help but to me just looking at his little face screaming makes me so upset I can't seem to help him. But earphones/music sounds like a good idea.

I've also tried singing/rocking him to baby sensory songs which I thought worked. Husband rocks him to a Coldplay song and he's out!

Also, husbands parents came to stay with us and his mum in particular (who has 5 kids and 8 grandkids so extremely good with babies) I don't remember him screaming at all when they were here. I just feel like I'm doing it all wrong.

My DS was just like this and he had terrible silent reflux.

Re: silent reflux

I really don't know. During the night he never screams and is generally a really good sleeper. So I feel like it would bother him then as well. He does often cough after feeds but I feel like this might be cause he loves to feed and just chugs it down too quick. We do try to pace feed.

I will definitely mention it to the professionals though.

But just now before I wrote the post I'd fed him, burped him and then he was fine for a bit until he started screaming. Husband took him when he came down to me in tears holding him and he's just gone to sleep on his chest.

You are NOT doing it all wrong. I promise. You’re a FTM so finding your feet. It’s a huge learning curve and life upheaval and it’s totally natural to question yourself and want to do your best.
As @Shiningout suggests- could be worth a chat to health visitor/Gp if you think PPA/PPD may be playing a role here. I struggled for ages but wish I’d sought help earlier.

If he’s sometimes taking 4oz every 2 hours then that’s a lot at his age, that can also be a sign of reflux because the swallowing provides relief. The dummy helps too for the same reason. There’s also a whole category of babies with reflux that are seemingly unbothered by it, known colloquially as ‘happy pukers’ (my DS was one) so it’s not a given that there’s a certain level of pain he has to be in. It’s definitely something I’d raise to the GP to get their opinion. Otherwise babies are fussy and for some reason a change of person often works wonders. It’s definitely not you!

Definitely also mention your mental health to the GP too. It’s a really difficult time and there are things that can help.

I don’t think earplugs are a good idea. As a FTM it would break my heart drowning out the sound of my baby crying just so I could get some peace.

Just an idea that worked well for me when DS cried for about 23 of 24 hours one day and I was falling apart from fatigue and had no support.
Totally get it wouldn’t be for everyone. DD for example barely cried so didn’t need to use them and would have thought people were nuts for suggesting them at that point.

Why? You can still care for them in the same way, just with perhaps a little more patience because you’re not being driven insane by the constant crying.
They don’t know you’ve got earplugs in.

@FTMaz I thought the exact same when my friend suggested it as it's what she did but I think it can help to reduce one sensory element and take the edge off.

This! Earplugs are absolutely fine. You do the exact same as if you’re not wearing them, but can give you some breathing space.

My baby always screamed with me.
It actually got easier when DH went back to work. We got into a routine, when i felt more confident/less stressed she started settling with me.

She did have relux and was allergic to my milk 😅 so had to go to formula. Those early days are so tough.

You poor thing OP. I hate that someone commented on his crying to you, SO unhelpful I promise that in general it sounds much worse to you than others. My eldest was difficult to comfort and it was hell and I had all the same thoughts as you, but now that he's older he's the most wonderfully sensitive little person and I can see the good side of his highly strung temperament. I doubt your MIL has better techniques than you for soothing him- babies just like when there are lots of people around (ive read there are evolutionary reasons for it) and it probably just seemed that he was much better as you were relieved to have help. As others have said, do seek help for postnatal anxiety and depression- caring for a crier is SO tough on one's mental health. By all means speak to the GP and health visitor to investigate physical causes but don't drive yourself mad worrying about silent reflux either. This made my PPA worse and there's no good evidence it exists. Its easier to cope when you can see that it's just a time to get through and that some babies just cry more than others (but they all cry and 6 weeks is the peak for purple crying) rather than a problem you need to solve. Don't feel guilty for using a dummy. Use all the soothing measures you can! You'll get through it and it will be a stressful memory soon enough. Hugs to you

@Newnamesameoldlurker such a lovely and helpful reply, thank you