Do babies remember when something bad happens?

[Erlouise]

Hi ladies
feeling really crap this morning.
DD woke at 7am. She has been really struggling with overtiredness the last couple of months - she fights naps and wake windows don’t really mean much. but where she has been so over tired I’ve been really trying to help her go down without letting her get too tired.

I’ve also been really trying hard to ensure she gets out of this overtired cycle. So we got up, had her morning bottle, was finished by 7:45 (after some play time too). So I thought I’ll see if an hour wake window is better for her in the mornings, so I thought I’d try and see if she’ll go down, so I started giving her a rock about 7:50, she didn’t want to go down and was wriggling away so I thought ok she’s just under tired.

i got on with a few bits and let her play for another 5 mins or so. I thought I’d then try to get her down at 8:15 which is 1 hour 15 after she woke. Again fighting it.

then started crying for a bottle, so I made up a little bit more milk but she only wanted a small bit and I’m always conscious of giving too much as shr does has reflux. She started getting upset after a bit of extra milk so I took the bottle away and gave dummy back as she seemed uncomfortable.

then she does a poo….. so then I’m changing her and she’s engaging with me and finding it all funny and then has a meltdown because by this point it’s nearly 9am so has been up for nearly 2 hours. so im trying to get down again and she’s just getting worked up. so i laid her down on my bed as i just felt that me helping her go down was making it worse (i did try this also in her own crib this morning). She stopped crying and rolled onto her front… she then spat her dummy out and before I could grab it she put her head down onto her dummy and poked herself in the eye with the teat bit… then obviously got upset because the dummy hurt her. So then I’m settling her and then she’s getting worked up again because she’s tried…

she finally fell asleep on me while I was rocking and singing jelly on a plate (which is her nap time song), and is currently fast asleep while I’m sat here crying.

I just feel so bad as it was such an ordeal something, that never usually happens with us. Usually I know she’s over tired and she does fight it but I’m able to get her down with a rock, a sing song, and her comforter. But today was just horrific and I honestly just feel like the worst mum in the world.

I can’t get anything right. Either she’s not tired enough or too tired no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I watch the clock. I’ve even tried not watching the clock on the advice of a health visitor and to hope she just nods off naturally but this makes it worse.

sorry I’ve gone on and on just been the worst morning and I guess the whole point of this post is because I’m worried she’s going to wake up and think why didn’t my mummy get me down sooner and why did she let my dummy poke my eye… do babies think like that do you think?

(Just a few things to note - whenever she gets upset I always console her. And dummy was given to DD on advice from paediatrician due to some
problems she was encountering when born.)

thanks to anyone whose taken the time to read this!

I dont think you've done anything wrong. Nothing bad happened to her other then she accidently poked herself in the eye but to be honest at that age they are so uncoordinated that these things will happen.

My eldest was a nightmare for sleeping. For me when he got overtired i found popping him in the buggy and going for a walk worked. But no you are not a terrible mother and your baby won't be traumatised by anything you describe

What's your first memory? I certainly don't remember anything from my babyhood, and I was born in the days when it was a feed every 4 hours and howling was considered good for a baby's lungs.

My babies were rubbish sleepers and I know how crap and disorientating it can be. Rest assured it will pass, try to take the HV advice and just go with the flow.

Oh sweetheart, it's a lot. Don't feel bad, she's with you, you're caring for her, she won't remember a thing. Is there any way you can get together with another adult today? Is there a drop in you can just pull some leggings on and get her in the pushchair and get out to so you can see a friendly face and get someone to make you a cup of tea?

It can be bloody brutal, please be kind to yourself, see if you can get out today, a bit of fresh air and a new perspective, and tomorrow is another day, don't beat yourself up.

Literally nothing bad has happened in your post.

Having a baby is not a science experiment everything doesn't have to be so prescribed there is far too much information and theories out there now, rely and have faith in your own instincts.

Lots of babies will only sleep in their pushchairs so in the morning. Wake up, get ready, feed her change her, stick some washing on and make yourself a drink in a travel cup or whatever and then get you both out of the house, pack a bag the night before with picnic blanket, breakfast snacks and some fruit for you. Go for a good walk outside, it will do you the world of good too. Sit and play outside, read a book, sing some songs then when she's likely to be getting tired, change her if she needs it then back in the pushchair and a walk home.

Once she starts getting in the habit then she'll stop being overtired.

You've done nothing wrong, stop beating yourself up! It sounds like you're an incredible mum! Sometimes babies are just awkward little so and sos! I've spent so many nights lying awake worrying myself about similar things - I shouldn't have gone for that wee as she cried and now thinks I don't love her ect. The worst used to be when I was so exhausted and woke up to her crying and would spend all day worrying about how long she has been crying.

Accidents happen, babies are so haphazard with their movements they will hurt themselves but they are also so resilient it will be forgotten now!

The fact you are saying these things shows you're a brilliant mum! She knows how much you love her and how you keep her safe. You're doing amazing muma, keep it up!

do babies think like that do you think?

No, they don't. You need to find a way to deal with your overthinking and anxiety or you will burn yourself out.

You need to pace yourself because the toddler days are coming and we're all making parenthood up as we go along. She'll be into all sorts- there will be days where she is pushing every button you've got and doing mad stuff just for the hell of it. Because she'll be a toddler, and toddlers are crazy.

Try to let go of the guilt.

Here's a snippet of my morning:

Toddler wants cereal for breakfast. Then doesn't want cereal. Then wants his cereal bowl but with only milk in it. Then wanders up to me with a hand covered in poo. Hands washed, brief chat about how we don't touch poo and we have to tell mummy and daddy if we need our nappy changed. Nappy changed. Getting dressed for nursery, toddler is rocking about daft, just excited. Nearly headbutts me by accident. I throw a hand out instinctively to stop his skull colliding with my face. I smack him in the face. He cries. I'm frustrated. We have a cuddle. He's sobbing. I say I'm sorry and he has to be careful because he nearly smacked into my face. "I'm sorry mummy". More tears and cuddles.

Sigh. I'm currently sick and just desperate to get him to nursery so that I can have a break. Everything is a mad chaotic whirlwind but there's no time for me to be consumed with guilt about smacking his face. It was an accident; neither of us meant it and all tears are forgotten in the space of 5 minutes. He merrily skips to nursery saying "mummy smacked me in the face and I was crying". Brilliant.

Try to remember this: when things go wrong, how you deal with it is the most important thing. My son will (not consciously, but on a deeper level) "remember" the fact that when there was an upset, mummy cuddled him, dried his tears, said sorry, and made sure he was ok and happy again.

That's what matters.

You seem very wound up and over tired yourself

I bonked my kids heads and poked them in the eye with teats all the time it it not a bad memory at all
kids remember abuse not something as minor/ non issue as that

I have absolutely no idea what a wake window is and you should take h.v advise about timings , my kids just woke up and fell asleep when they did sometime it was a regular pattern some days random

go and and see your doctor for some anti anxiety meds