Parents in law

[Firstimepregnancy]

Hi!

my parents in law live around a hour away and they’d like to see us every week. We have a 4.5 month old and I have a step daughter who comes fortnightly.
I mentioned to my husband that weekly was a lot I don’t expect to see my parents weekly so we’ve been seeing them fortnightly.

recently though it’s getting too much, they demand what we cook when they come and don’t want to do child friendly things their ideal is to sit in the pub drinking.

my mother in law is overbearing as well and thinks of herself as the matriarch. The most recent visit she told me she’d always be her sons number one lady as this is just how it is with a mother and son.
on Mother’s Day she got annoyed because I saw her everyday that weekend but on Mother’s Day went to see my own mum rather than take my daughter to her even though we’d seen them daily and my husband still saw his mum on Mother’s Day.

Every time we see them she comments on my 4.5 month old birth marks saying things like thank god that’s not on her face and will that get any bigger and when will that disappear, or I’ve been discussing her birth mark with my daughters and they think this. Each time I say it doesn’t matter about her birth mark I don’t notice it and it makes her special things along those things to shut it down. She ignores this though and comments on it every fortnight and to be honest it really upsetting.

they have a real issue with my daughters bond with me and if they’re holding her and she’s looking for me then turn her so that she can’t see me or they leave the room with her. Again I’ve said to my husband it’s a little cruel to do this as she begins to cry and they won’t give her back without me forcefully taking her from them.

She also regularly kissed my baby as a newborn when we expressed we didn’t want her to do that. this caused so many rows between me and hubby as he said it’s normal to kiss a newborn in the face and just let them do it. Despite my family and friends respecting the wish to not do that as a newborn they got a special pass because he didn’t want to stand up to her. The first person to kiss my daughter was my mil in the hospital which again made me so upset.

My daughter also has a dairy intolerance which she’s already begun saying oh well just give her dairy to grow out of it despite her knowing it causing my baby to be in pain.

I’ve spoken to my husband countless times about it but he just says oh she’s making an observation don’t think about it or just ignore her as he hates conflict and will do anything for a quiet life. I dread the fortnight that they come and beginning to not want them around my daughter if they’re going to comment on her appearance rather than interacting with her. It’s also making me begin to resent that my husband won’t stand up and back me!

when we had our baby I had said if we have family plans to put them first and not have it as a routine that in laws come but it seems every other Sunday they now expect to see us because they say they need to see their grandchildren. For their older grandchildren they saw them 2-3 times a week.

I know it’s not too much to see them for an afternoon every fortnight but they’re over stepping boundaries for me and my husband doesn’t back me and just argues with me about it so I cba to now bring it up with him making me feel a little alone!

not too sure what to do whether to say next time they come me and baby are going out now see you next time for space from them or to just lose it and tell her to back off as I’ve been so nicey nicey about it so far. It’s making me so stressed that ahead of their visit I get tension headaches!

help needed!!!!

To mention as well my husband has been previously married and he told me early on his ex had expressed she didn’t want them seeing his family more than once a month as it was too much!

Your partner needs to take a deep breath and stick up for his child and partner.

It is completely inexcusable to remove a baby from the care of their mother when they need their mother. This is where the list starts

You need to get your partner on your sides and put your and your child needs first. You need to speak to him and come up with a list of a 2-3 things that are absolute red lines and your partner needs to ensure that they aren't broken. I think if the visits were less unpleasant you wouldn't mind them so much. If this doesn't happen the follow up conversation if the frequency and nature of their visits. Would seeing them at theirs be any easier?

I'm lucky in that I have brilliant in laws. It's my family that are liable to cause issues so it's me that has the be tough and brave to ensure that my families "needs" aren't met at the expense of my little families

Hi!

so we did this my hubby messaged mil to set some boundaries she didn’t respond. We went to visit them at their house weekend just gone and it was possibly the worst visit so far.

we. Don’t want screen time yet including tv for our baby we said thats a hard boundary she put our child in front of tv at least 4 times each time saying doesn’t she love it though, we proceeded to say we don’t want that for our child and moved away.

she also commented multiple times how we don’t see them enough (once a fortnight isn’t enough!) and as a result her grandchild doesn’t know her.

My child also has a severe allergy to dairy, my mil said to me has she really though if I gave her cheese or milk I’m sure she’d be fine, insinuiating I’m making it up and also making me think in the future I can’t trust my mil around my child with food! Despite the first 4 months of my child’s life being her in pain and projectile vomiting and dropping weight which she knew about!

The visit was on the whole really unpleasant even my husband said that it was uncomfortable and she was crossing all of our boundaries, unsure what to do now really other than just put up with it or reduce the visits to once a month but not sure if that will make it worse!

Tell dh that if he doesn’t want another ex partner he will start to speak up. You will need to set boundaries and set them vocally. “No, that won’t work for dd” and then take her back. You are her mother , you need to be assertive for your child.

Tell your DH that he can go and see his MIL weekly, but you and the baby won't be and tell him he needs to explain to his parents that it's because they disrespected your boundaries.

Reiterate that his first marriage failed, so he really needs to think whether he puts his mum first and has a second divorce or if he backs you.

If you go over there again and she breaks a boundary, such as by putting the baby in front of the tv, leave.

Explain that you've asked her not to and as she's refusing to listen you have no choice but to go home and go.

I'd remind him that his first marriage failed and he's on his way to a failed second marriage if he doesn't step up and sort some boundaries with his mother.