Should I break my promise?

[Sensiparent]

My husband died three years ago and my adult children (30 and 32) still live at home with me and both of them are working. I have never asked them to contribute to household bills but they will purchase food items when out and about if I ask. When my husband died I gave them all the money from his life insurance and when I was thinking of moving to a smaller home, because they did not want to move with me, I promised them, individually, a large sum of money towards a deposit on their own house when they were ready to move. I also give them a sum of money each birthday and at Christmas.

I decided not to move, but renovate the family home and they have not been supportive of my decisions…..I try to share what I am doing, making the house as low maintenance as possible so that as I get older and they move on, I will be able to manage. They are often critical and will end conversations with ‘it’s your house, you do what you want to do’.

I feel disheartened by their attitude don’t feel that they deserve the large sum promised, even half of this sum would provide a decent deposit when they move out…..should I break my promise?

Forgot to mention that both children are working, one from home.

They should be contributing to the bills etc. I.always did and to.be honest, even if my.mom had not needed a contribution, which she most definitely did, I would have paid. I paid rent and council tax. I knew I was onto a good deal too.

They need to move out, it's not healthy for any of you for them to be living at home at those ages.

If they're both living at home, working and not contributing, they must be saving a fortune. They shouldn't need any money from you!

In their late 20s, they recieved half their fathers life insurance policy.
They are living at home, paying nothing. They should be saving a big chunk.

I'd be having a conversation that the lump sum previously mentioned won't be forth coming, as it's all been used on their living expenses.

I'd also be making whatever changes you wish for your house, and if that means they decide to move out, it's about time!

Your circumstances aren’t the same - you need to talk to them. They’ll no doubt be critical of you as they’re depending on you to support them but that’s not healthy for young adults.
Tell them when you can as they need to know that they should be saving now. I would ask for living expenses. Did they spend the lump sum they received from you?
It could lead to them moving out sooner but you may have a better relationship with them in time if they do. You can then decide what you would like to do - nothing is fixed - even staying in your current home - you deserve to enjoy your life.

You have promised too much and they are not contributing appropriately, IMO. You have already given them what sounds like a significant amount of money.

Did this dynamic come on when they lost their dad, were you compensating?

I wonder if you need some support to establish more appropriate boundaries and expectations.

No rent ?
No bills ?
Pay for the odd bit of shopping ?

Both working full time ?
Do they help with house work etc ?

And total lack of support ?

Time for change !

Sorry, I’m really unsure about what the actual problem is?

Is this just because they are not being enthusiastic about your renovations and decorating? If so, that’s extremely petty.

Its absolutely ridiculous that at that age they live rent free with their Mum.

Oh dear, this is a terrible position for you all to be in. I think it's really bad that you have told them they will be getting a set amount of money and are now going to change your mind.

They might have been counting on that money and might have made decisions because of it.

As for not paying their way I think they have been selfish not to offer but also you have been daft to complain about it if you have never asked for anything.

Whatever you decide you should tell them. It sounds like it might end badly.

Unless there is SEN etc, I don’t think you are doing adult children in their 30s any favours by not enforcing independence. It’s past time that they moved out given they work and have money.

My parents have always had the rule that if you earn enough to pay tax you earn enough to pay mum and dad.

It sounds like you over promised at a time of grief. I would be having a conversation with each of them about what position they are in to buy a house. What they are doing to help themselves and then what is a more sensible assistance you can give them towards purchasing a house. This doesn't necessarily have to be a monetary contribution helps them sort their themselves out so they can optimise their own income would also count in my books.

Future planning the house so you have security issues is a great thing to do and they will benefit in the long run to as it's something that won't have to be done later when you might need more assistance to arrange it.

They have failed to launch.. probably waiting on the free house. Not healthy. Its entitlement. Yes its your house...you can break the promise if you want. They need to stand on their own 2 feet. Id love to have no bills, rent, mortgage, and just buy bit food to have roof over head..theyve had it good. Let them get on with it...its your life