3 Week old - feel like a bad mum!

[Keroppifrog2024]

Hey All!

Not sure if I am after advice or to get stuff off my chest!

I am a first time mum to a beautiful baby girl who is now 3 weeks old. My husband is an amazing support and is due back to work in the next couple of days, he is so good with her but its making me feel like I am a bad mum.

A number of things happened today that worries me that when he does go back to work I won't be able to cope.

1 - I did two nappy Changes which lead to nappy leaks as I didn't do them up properly (Husband usually does most changes in the day)

2 - We went clothes shopping together today and the whole time husband pushed the pram cus I got overwhelmed as it was so busy.

3 - We are combo feeding so I breastfeed at home and then we do formula (to help with weight gain) and I pump as well. Baby girl wouldn't settle at all after my feeds but settled after bottled breast milk with husband.

4 - I can't seem to settle her at all but husband can sit for hours with her having cuddles, within 10mins if I cuddle her she is uncomfortable and just wants breast.

5 - Every night I got to bed 3 hours before husband and he stays and looks after baby girl but all I feel is guilty for leaving her.

I know I am probably overly sensitive at the moment due to hormones and lack of sleep but I really feel like a bad mum and I'm worried for when my husband goes back to work.

Anyone else experience these feelings?

Be kind to yourself. It’s still early days.

Re nappies, many leek. Make sure you turn the flaps on the legs both in and out.

Re feeding, of course she wants boob!! She’s 3 weeks old!! Instead of thinking this is somehow insulting to you, just give her boob on demand. Whenever she asks, for however long. It will help with supply and after a while you can skip formula.

I remember this feeling so well.

The fact that you're worried about being a good mum, proves you ARE a good mum.

This is such an emotional time and very early days. Be kind to you 💗

I still can't even bear to think about the first few weeks of dd's life and she's now 10; I thought I was doing everything wrong and hated every second. But that's just your exhaustion and anxiety talking. You are in a different position to your husband as you're exhausted from pregnancy and birth and your body is working hard to establish breastfeeding. You are doing amazingly. Mistakes happen with nappy changes and chances are she's not getting as much milk from breastfeeds as falling asleep on the boob because she feels so safe and comfortable there. That's not something to feel bad about. Breastfeeding is about so much more than food. Be kind to yourself.

Yeah this is the plan - she lost 7% of her birth weight and then didn't gain any back so we switched to combi feeding to help with the gain. Hopefully on Monday we get signed off by the midwives :-).

All my kids got restless with me in the first few weeks. It's just because they can smell your milk and want it!

Hi, I remember how much I worried when my husband went back to work: it seemed impossible for me to do everything alone. It wasn't easy, but it was doable. You'll get better in everything very soon. You are just a lot more tired than husband. Don't worry, it will be fine.

Also going to bed 3 hours earlier is a really sensible approach to dealing with the exhaustion in the early days, so don't feel guilty about that.

You'll probably find once your husband goes back to work, you and baby will settle into a nice rhythm of your own.

3 weeks in, never done it before...you haven't had a chance to be a bad mum 😂 also to be worried about being a bad mum, generally indicates your a good mum.

My LO was the same, plus you are healing, knackered, hormonal and it is bloody overwhelming. Massive adjustment.

My daughter is a complete daddy girl, he seems to be the only one to make her laugh 🙄 but when she is sick or upset its me she cuddles for comfort.

Also i swear babies can smell anxiety 😂😂 i was inconsolable in the first few weeks (it was a very rough start) i swear she could sense it..a newborn that preferred to be alone in her cot then have a mummy cuddle 😂😂 it will all sort itself out and you'll feel confident and a pro about your baby in no time x

OP you sound like you're doing a great job. From my experience - every parent alive has dealt with multiple and frequent nappy leaks, it often has nothing to do with how you put the nappy on! I too was overwhelmed pushing the pram around in the early days, this will pass quickly. I also had a husband who seemed able to feed the babies with minimal fuss, while they would be unsettled with me. I think this is common.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong and any guilt you feel is likely due to hormones, this should get better soon. If you continue to struggle then of course speak to a GP or HV but honestly everything you're describing sounds normal and universal.

I was also terrified about my husband going back to work but after the first night I realised it was fine and it continued to be fine.

The first 8 weeks or so of having a newborn are extremely hard and draining, go easy on yourself

I was where you are a year ago! My partner seemed to be able to settle our baby so much easier than me. In my tired, emotional and hormonal state I kept doubting myself and started to believe that I was a terrible mum. Looking back now I realise that when he was with me, he wanted to be on the boob. I genuinely underestimated how frequently he wanted to nurse and suckle. The poor thing must have been so frustrated when I held him and cradled him and rocked him and was probably thinking "For God's sake Mum, just put me back on your boob!!" The constant feeding in the early days is unrelenting...just be assured that baby feels safe and calm and content with you. You're doing a brilliant job I promise!

Sounds like you're progressing really well and all of those feelings are so valid but also so common.
It's a massive adjustment. I liked sleeping and leaving him to it!
You are a team.

Be kind to yourself.
Don't blame yourself for anything.
You are a great mum and things will settle and it gets easier.

Of course you aren’t a bad mum!

1. nappies are a faff and take some getting used to, they fit different babies differently so it takes time to get confident, especially with such a tiny baby that you are probably worrying about doing it up too tight etc.
2. so what if you didn’t push the pram - your DH was probably happy to have a go - taking a new baby to such a busy place is overwhelming - you have all these hormones telling you to protect the baby and sometimes in these situations they go into overdrive.
3. Its always harder for a breastfeeding mum to settle baby than dad - dad doesn’t smell of milk, it would be like trying to diet in your favourite restaurant!
4. as above
5. You need sleep - you don’t need to feel guilty about that - your baby needs you to be healthy to be the best mum you can be and to heal from pregnancy and birth you need sleep whenever you can get it!

Try to be kinder to yourself, it’s no joke dealing with the hormone crashes after birth - it should be spoken about more and normalised, it’s the biggest change in hormones any human has in a lifetime.

You have just delivered a baby, are breastfeeding and recovering. Your husband has none of these challenges.

Your baby will always act different for mum, remember you are her everything. Mind yourself the early days are hard and in particular when you have concerns about weight etc

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

I don't think the first few weeks post partum does get spoke about enough. All you seem to read is that the mum is the only one who can settle a baby, which in reality isn't true and it makes you feel that you are doing something wrong.

It's really reassuring to know I am not alone in this feeling :-).

Having your first baby is just like waking up one day and finding your whole life thrown into disarray. It’s extremely difficult, and also wonderful, and it takes 8-12 weeks to find your feet with it. It you were someone who had their shit together prebaby - I think it’s even harder.

As an aside - pumping and breastfeeding is very, very hard work so do get some advice on that. Babies will often settle quicker with a bottle because the milk comes out of it faster and easier - it can affect your confidence when your still learning how to feed together. Hopefully your weight gain issues will settle and you can revert to mostly breast - if that’s what you want - and it will settle down a bit.

You're being over sensitive. An actual bad mum wouldn't give a shit about the things you've mentioned. The fact you care shows you're a great mum.

I remember these feelings well! Be kind to yourself, your body is still healing and you're still adjusting to becoming a mum - not to mention your hormones will still be all over the place!
I started to feel better around 3 months PP and things have just gotten better and better ever since (my DD is almost one).

within 10mins if I cuddle her she is uncomfortable and just wants breast it would be normal to feed pretty much nonstop at this age. She's not uncomfortable - she just knows you have the good stuff!

Read up on the concept of a babymoon - feed, feed, feed and rest.

Hi Op

I won’t comment on all of what you’ve said as it will be a repeat of others. My DH runs his own business so had to be back to work pretty much straight away. I’ve done the lions share of looking after baby (currently 8 weeks) and I’m EBF. What I will say is even though DS often settles for me more than his Dad he constantly wants to be fed when he’s cuddled by me so I just let him. Sometimes say if I’m watching TV he will just be stuck to my boob and that’s okay! Remember your boob is also comforting and like others have said they smell the milk and just want it. It’s something amazing your husband can’t do so just allow them to have it! X

I agree with the last posters who say feed her as much as she demands for now.
She was growing inside you for a long time so it's natural that babies need a lot of soothing.
I think it will also stimulate your milk production (maybe use shields)

Rest and relax ,communicate with your partner about what you need.
It's a special time, try your best to relax and let it all happen.

1 - nappies leak, it happens, and will happen to ones your husband has done

2 - you've done a 9 month pregnancy, it's totally fine to have him push the pram!

3 - babies are weird. They'll settle for dad but not for mum, and then a few weeks later it's the other way round. It's not you or anything you're doing.

4 - she can smell your milk, that's all. She's not unsettled or uncomfortable on you.

5 - you need sleep! Do not feel guilty for this! Look at any thread on here about newborns and you'll see that this is the advice given. Almost everyone does this.

I am sure your are doing your best, that's all any of us can do. Do not compare your nappy changing/feeding techniques with your DH, you will master the techniques your own way, and probably feel a lot more confident once DH returns to work and you are getting all that extra practice and knowing you only have yourself to rely on. Breast feeding is so good for the baby, that's something only YOU can do, and not all women get the hang of it or carry it on for as long as they would like (I lasted just a couple of weeks), but I recall it being said that breast milk does not fill baby up for as long as formula, and it is difficult to judge how much baby takes in, so that explains why your baby settles better after being bottle fed. I know how you feel about not being able to have long cuddle sessions with your baby as I felt the same with mine, as she always became restless in a short time, probably wanting feeding, and maybe sensing you are not relaxed? It is good that you have a supportive DH allowing you the time you need to sleep, and pushing the pram, changing nappies - don't feel guilty about it, relish it, you deserve it - you've given him the best gift of all! 😀

You have got some great advice here. I remember the fear that comes with first time motherhood. I remember being upset, overwhelmed and scared I would make mistakes. A wonderful kind midwife said to me, they don't come with manuals. You do the best you can and remember looking after yourself is looking after your baby.

Those words stuck. You sound like you are a good team and that will help navigate the ups and downs 💐