Feeling sad about Dads first birthday

[NickD87]

Our DD is adopted and came to us at 5 months. She is an absolute bundle of joy and is turning one in a couple of weeks.
I’m feeling a bit sad about it as she doesn’t have any baby friends. Some of our friends have kids 5+ who love her - but it will really be a bunch of adults and one or children on the day, but no other babies her age.
We go to the baby groups, but haven’t really formed any close bonds. They are quite clichey and we seem to be a bit left out.
We haven’t really planned much but now I’m feeling guilt.
Should we just have a nice family day out, bit of cake, and fob off any idea of a party?

EDIT this should say DD not Dad 😂😂😂

I mean, my child didn't see anyone on her first birthday, we were in lockdown.

She won't care if there's no other babies, throw a little party at home if you want to. She'll have a lovely day x
.

Also, as she gets older be aware that birthdays can be emotional minefields for adoptees.

She won't know its her birthday so any party will be for your benefit not hers. I'd just have a nice family day and save the parties until she's older and will be more engaged with the whole thing.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby… my DH was the only child there at her first birthday party… she hit loads of pressies tho!
it’ll be fine… stop worrying and enjoy your day together

Totally normal not to have other babies at first birthday! Lovely to have your friends over to celebrate!

I really think birthday parties are pointless for a 1st birthday. Babies have no idea what a birthday is, let alone that it's their birthday.

A family day out to somewhere that your dd loves would be more than enough.

We just invited dd's grandparents round for a cup of tea and a piece of birthday cake. It didn't cross my mind to feel guilty that that's all we did.

First birthday parties are family celebrations. It’s perfectly normal not to have baby friends.

Have a party with the people who love you and your daughter. Celebrating your family and her first year.

the life stage of childhood friends will come later. Baby groups are really for the parents, which is perfectly fine. It’s good for the parents to get out and socialize and the babies have fun in the process, but they don’t start making friends until much later.

Most people don’t have more than immediate family at first birthday celebrations. We had a little thing planned for DD, didn’t know any other babies at the time, and it got canned as we went into lockdown. It was at the terrifying bit when it was all kicking off and a blur, I didn’t even think to make a cake and I bake all the time.

With DS’s shortly it’s just going to be us, him, DD and a couple of adult relatives. He knows loads of babies as I run a play group but I don’t think he’d enjoy a party tbh. We’ll have a lunch of his favourite foods, I’ll bake, gifts, a walk, a nap. Nice and relaxed.

It’s for you, she won’t care. And it is a big deal marking a big milestone in being a parent. So do what you’ll enjoy as a family, with no thought to guilt or what anyone else would think!

Could you use this as an opportunity to break the cliches? Take a birthday cake along to the next group and ask a few other parents with babies there to sing happy birthday with you? It's an ice-breaker.

Other than that, it doesn't matter that no babies will be there for her birthday. Just invite everyone you are close to including the older children who love her. She will feel loved and rightly spoiled! Enjoy that milestone 💕

I wonder if you might be feeling a little sad that it's her first birthday but not the anniversary (yet) of welcoming her into your lives.

In general first birthdays are shit because babies have no idea what's going on, and none of them have any friends.

I would try to make it a wonderful day to celebrate the randomness of the numerical calendar (this magnificent baby born on this random day last year and now your baby) and next year you will be able to remember this first birthday, and so on.

Honestly and kindly you're overthinking it, she 1. I was adopted at 5 months old and obviously don't remember a 1sr birthday but come to think of it I don't think I've seen any pictures of a 1st birthday party. Plenty from two onwards!

Just have a lovely day with your new family and immediate family.

Before my eldest's first birthday I taught him to blow, It was only me my husband and him. One layer sponge with milk choc on top and a candle.

Personally I wouldn't do a party for a first birthday, didn't with either of mine. DC1 first birthday we just went to a free local cultural festival in a park and some of our relatives met us there for a bit. DC2 was unwell on his birthday so we did absolutely nothing, but we did have a takeaway lunch a week or two later with some family at their DGPs house.

She'll have a great day! My eldest was the only child at her first birthday party (cake with the grandparents) and my youngest only had her big sister. They both have loads of friends now they're older.

Quite possibly! We will probably do a little thing on her ‘familyversary’ too.

Thank you! I think there is an element of wanting to show her lots of exciting pictures too just so she can grow up knowing how wanted and loved she is. But you are right….there are loads of other opportunities.

theres a huge element of rejection in her life and I think I’m just sad maybe that I envisaged her/us making loads of new friends in this journey and it just hasn’t happened.

1 year olds definitely don’t need a party and probably don’t even appreciate it most the time as it can be overwhelming for them with lots of people around. We could have had a gathering with our NCT group which some of the others did but we chose to spend a lovely day together just the three of us instead.

This is a nice idea!
when she is one, we’re going to move her to Tumble Tots now as she’s more mobile - maybe a fresh group where she can be more independent (and we don’t need to be glued to her) will make a difference x

Really you’re massively overthinking- neither of my kids had baby friends. They formed friends when they went to nursery and school, before that nope. They have older cousins and none of my friends have kids. I really don’t think it matters in the slightest. A first bday is for adults really, they can still be a great memory.

My boys didn’t have ‘friends’ until about 5! Their closest even now are my friends kids who were all older. If I were you I’d have them round for some cake and nibbles and just spend time with people you know well and love now. Get a photo of the younger ones all around her, that shows way more love than other babies with her not having a clue what’s going on either.

We've only had a little day out and then family get togethers for our kids first birthdays. Actually we only had a proper party for DS when he turned 5, DD has managed to be quite ill on all three of her birthdays so far.

Kids don't really care until they're older so you might as well plan a nice day for yourselves and enjoy saving yourself some money!

Even in nursery five days a week mine didn't have friends at this age. The first came at 18 months but that's early, really they're 2 or 3 before they actually have friends, and that's seeing each other day in day out. Baby group friends are for the parents, not the babies.

I think you should separate your own desire for friends from anything you’re projecting onto your baby. No one year old has friends. Remembering DS and the two village groups we attended, the children only really started to play with each other in the months before starting school — before that it was parallel play, largely oblivious to the others unless they stole a toy! Your DD is not being rejected. We lived in another country to our families, and had moved within the UK when DS was four months, so knew no one local at all when he turned one. His first birthday consisted of me and DH and a cake.

Your own desire to make friends is natural, but it’s nothing to do with your daughter.