Bad parenting - my baby is always tired!

[Bunbun2277]

Was debating whether to post here or sleep thread….

exactly what the title says really. DS is nearly 6 months. bedtime and morning routine are the same and he sleeps really well at night - does sleep through in terms of not needing a bottle or any attention but wakes up a few times for dummy or hand on chest.

just a bit of background:

i watch wake windows and have tried extending these after reading Little Ones blog re wake windows are more 2-2.5 hours long at this age. I watch any signs of sleepiness - rubbing eyes, staring off etc so I’m not hell bent on sticking to wake windows I follow DS lead entirely.

DS has always been a crap napper and will only sleep on me. But no matter what I do he constantly gets over tired. it’s starting to really concern me as I want to start weaning at 6 months but not sure how I can if he’s constantly in this cycle of overtiredness with absolutely no routine as everything is on demand. Health visitors aren’t bothered - just say to put down in crib if he wants to sleep he will, can’t force him, get on with day, worry about routines in a few months. But it feels impossible not to worry when he gets so upset - sometimes he is actually crying because he’s so tired.

I truly feel like an awful parent. Looking on social media and seeing babies who are younger than DS self settling and having hour long naps in their own crib…. I know we shouldn’t compare but it’s bloody hard not to. Constantly feel like I’m failing him.

Please don't compare - all babies are different!
My first self settled from 4 months but my 7 months won't settle without a cuddle and wakes at 4 every night and won't settle again
Your baby is still young and still learning
If he's fed, clean and happy (most of the time) then you are doing a great job
Take time to love yourself and enjoy your baby 🥰

Have you looked at Lyndsey hookway on IG? Really helpful for me. Sometimes my DD seems tired but she's actually just bored. If she doesn't sleep within 15mins I'll try again in another 20 mins or so, and in the meantime I'll do another activity/move to another room/look out the window with her etc etc.

Im a co sleeping, contact napping, extended BFing parent and not totally by choice. You have to parent the baby you have and not the one you want (although harder said than done I know...I'm very jealous of people who aren't kicked all night by a toddler! Lol)

I'd put DC down for a nap even if he doesn't sleep he is resting. If you never put him down and leave him to sleep on his own he won't learn to get used to it. The more you let him sleep on you the more he will expect it. It's a bad habit to let form. He needs to learn to self soothe.

Another thing you could do is put him in his pram when he's tired and go for a walk with him. A combination of fresh air and the movement of the pram may rock him to sleep.

Stop, and take a small step back. Your baby is an absolute star by sleeping at any stage as that in itself can be impossible for some.The social media napper may have been up all night!

I would also suggest fresh air and gentle walk hopefully this will encourage sleep for them and you get some fresh air and time in nature.

Remember they don't come with a manual you are doing your best. The extra sleep and weaning will come. They are still so little.

PLEASE do not see your perfectly normal baby as a sign that you are somehow getting parenting wrong! It sounds like you are doing everything right and getting a bit caught up in some of the online rubbish about baby sleep - mostly made up to sell you courses and books, BTW.

I agree with Lyndsey Hookway if you must follow somebody. She speaks sense. Unless you're putting the baby to bed with a bottle full of whisky, there is no such thing as a bad habit in terms of sleep. Seriously. Feeding to sleep and napping on you is absolutely fine. I promise he won't still be doing it by the time he goes to school.

Agree pram naps are good if you want a break from holding him and as a transition to napping alone. But it's not a problem that is inherently bad or needs fixing. It will go away all by itself.

Your baby sounds completely normal. Neither of my babies have slept for an hour between 12 weeks and 8 months. Cat napping is very typical for this age and isn’t in any way an issue. Same goes for only contact napping. Most babies can’t self settle. Overtiredness is more often a sleep training buzz word than an actual thing with a baby under 1. Honestly you’ve nothing to be worried about here.

Agree with pp, you should stop letting him to sleep on you.
The way I did this was to use baby nest. I put it on the floor and I was lying next to it, holding hand etc. I tried this numerous time during a day- often my dd wasn't ready to sleep, so tried again in an hour. Soon she's got used to it and a few weeks later I could do the same in the cot.
(Yes, I use babynest. No its not dangerous, especially if you using it in the daytime and you can keep an eye on it).

And I’ve never followed a schedule or wake windows (which are not evidence based anyway) babies allowed to will sleep when they need to sleep. It’s a biological function of the body. Stick baby in a carrier and get on with your day, they’ll sleep when they need to

@Katherina198819 contact napping is the biological norm for our species. There’s no inherent reason to try and stop it, it’s what they’re meant to do.

If I could go back and change one thing about when my son was little it would be to stop worrying about wake windows and when he should be sleeping, and actually just get on with the baby I had. Not all babies are the same, much as people who make a living from selling sleep solutions would like you to think otherwise.

If you think he's really tired pop him in a sling or pram and go for a walk. If he needs to sleep he will. Or sit down with a cup of tea and have a well earned rest whilst he naps on you.

Mothers managed for millenia long before wake windows were invented. Largely they parented by instinct.

Stop worrying about what the internet says and enjoy your baby.

Morning everyone and thank you for your kind replies.

I have tried to phase out contact naps by putting him down in crib while awake. Tried this for a week and it just led to more overtiredness as of course DS wouldn’t settle without me and then I need to pick up and rock until he went down.
i did also try to phase out rocking to sleep but again, when DS is overtired and getting really worked up it’s a needs must situation for me.

pram walks - I do these daily. I usually walk for around an hour, maybe more, each day. And if it’s not outside I’ll make an effort to go to my local shopping centre (if raining for example) so that we still get out of the house.

yesterday DS faught a morning nap, I had to walk down to the shops as had an appointment so thought I could reLy on the walk to tire him out but no, wide awake for an hours walk. Finally got all worked up about an hour later (so had been up for around 4 hours at this point) and crashed in my arms while I met a friend for coffee. Woke up 20 mins later, got upset again, fell asleep around 30 mins later while I walked home.

unfortunately I do just have to get on with my days as I’ve spent countless hours indoors rocking and shushing, and that did nothing for my own sanity. It’s just the mum guilt I feel when I can clearly see he’s
tired but he just doesn’t want to go down…

oh and before I forget to respond re the carriers/slings - I do have one and it’s sort of my last resort when I’m struggling to get him down as he’s not too keen on sleeping in it for a long period of time. I feel like I’m at the point where I’ve tried bloody everything!

to those who mentioned LH - I will give her a follow on instagram and read through her posts!

like you’ve all said, it’s important to accept the baby you have and I absolutely do, I just constantly feel so awful for him!

This is why I cracked and went full on Gina ford on my dd. She was constantly miserable and tired.

Once I started following the routine and making sure her room was really dark both our lives were transformed tbh.

Someone explained a routine to me as predicting your baby's needs so they don't have to get to the point of demanding anything. Plus we all like to know what's coming next, it's how we feel safe..

Ignore social media and what a baby should do. Babies are bespoke. We broadly found awake windows very unhelpful as my daughter had irregular awake windows through the day. First awake window was average the second was very short and then a longer one before bed.
She only contact napped at home until 10 months then I could put her in her cot but she went to sleep as a contact nap and then transferred into the cot right up until she stopped napping. She would do a good nap in the pram. I built this around my routine and took her out in after I ate my lunch and went for a 2-3h walk. This also continued until stopped napping although after 1y I could get her back into the house once a sleep prior to this I had to keep waking....rain or shine!

My daughter didn't respond to sounds until 18 weeks and after this point she became more sensitive to noises and movement when she asleep she could wake up after 7 minutes if disturbed and that would be it. It was soul destroying!

Even the best nappers in my NCT group were only just starting to do naps in the cot at 6 months.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I have actually looked at Gina fords routine before but it works on the basis of feeding at specific times (I’m sure I remember something like that) and DS suffers with awful reflux so I can only feed on demand. Some days he might go 3 hours between bottles and other days it could be 6. If I try to feed on a schedule we just end up with him in discomfort sadly!

He's little, it will sort itself out honestly OP. I know the days feel long now but you probably don't need to do anything. I didn't do anything in particular and DC1 would go down for a nap at consistent times awake around 12 months and DC2 around 9 months. I did used to often put them down in their beds once they were in a deep sleep though from being tiny, especially DC2 as I couldn't sit under them for hours when I had DC1 to look after. So they were both used to waking in their own beds/alone from being tiny.

@WeightoftheWorld thanks so much. I think it’s more the guilt of how over tired he gets.

like you say routines sometimes work themselves out so hopefully it’s something he finds naturally.

sadly I have a lot of jobs to be getting on with but instead I’m always sat with DS on the sofa!… doesn’t really help to shift the baby weight either lol…

Most babies prefer contact naps or soothing motion. This is NORMAL. You have done nothing wrong.

6 months is a great age to start building your routine, but remember it's not set in stone (doesn't sound like you would).

None of mine have been and to cnnect sleep cycles until 9 months. This is average and normal. So catnap are common unless with motion. My compromise is to pick one nap (usually lunchtime) and do a long pram walk so they get the full 2hours or so. Then the rest of the day could be c atnaps and that's ok, they don't get too grouchy. If I'm feeling strong I might do a 2nd one in the carrier as that might be a long one then.

There are lots of different ways to approach sleep. I'm a path of least resistance person, never did get round to sleep training my older 3 and probably won't with DC4 either. You can if you want to, but it's also ok just to let them lead on sleep while they are little.

Oh, and sod the housework. Trust me, it'll still be there when your baby needs you less! Trustme on this one.

@TinyTeachr - thank you. I have thought about looking at gentle sleep training from the 6 month mark onwards but with how DS is and this constant cycle of tiredness I don’t have much faith!….
har har what you said about the housework made me chuckle! I say that as I currently stare at my mess of a living room!… it’s never ending. I can’t even remember the newborn days and I know these days will be gone in a flash too. I think I’d regret worrying about dusting when he’s too cool for cuddles with mummy!!…

I'm currently nap trapped under my 5mo. Sometimes I can put them down, other times not.

I logged sleep and feeds with DC1 and I found parenting so much easier and more enjoyable when I stopped. Watch for the cues and go with the flow as much as your sanity allows.

Don't worry about weaning. Let baby play with food and explore taste and texture. That's just as important for the younger ones.

Dts didn't nap in their cots until they had just turned one, I gave up trying because it was just more stressful. I walked A LOT, pulled the hoods down on their pram and they would eventually go off. Woe betide anyone who tried to stop me to chat when we were on the move!