SAHM slipping away

[MrsBubble]

Hi all, I'm feeling really low. Probably hormones but feeling totally and completely lost. I've never really taken to motherhood (I thought I was destined to be a mum). Not sure if it had something to do with my mum being diagnosed with cancer whilst I was on mat leave. I'm wracked with guilt over seemingly resenting my child that I yearned to have. 3 years on I'm really ready to get back to some kind of work but completely terrified of going back to my teaching career after hearing all kinds of horror stories about the hours and stress levels being worse than when I left.
On top of that my DS is going through the referral process for potential autism and doesn't speak any words. I love him to pieces but I feel all consumed in the normal motherhood duties along with the worry of what is yet to come for him.
Please help me with deciding how to prioritise all the things going on in my head. I want and need to get back to work, to help with saving for a house too. But I couldn't find a place for my son to go to nursery for this April so I will have to wait till September. Do I go back to teaching to earn the most I can and be able to give little of myself to my family but just for that sacrifice? Part of me just wants to get any work that I can where I can leave work at work but to have something of my own as well. I just feel completely incapable of even making a decision anymore.

Is it not worth returning to teaching so your holidays match your childs? I am a former teacher weighing up my options and am leaning towards teaching again to have fewer concerns about childcare in the holidays. I feel very like you. My baby is small and I love him but I cannot imagine 3 years of staying home with him without feeling lost.

Are you primary or secondary? I've really enjoyed being part time since I had my eldest. I've done 2, 3 or 4 days, sometimes on compressed hours, sometimes not, mostly without a form so i can drop off kids first.... DH is also a teacher and was part time for 4 years. Part time is becoming more common and I find it a good balance.

Do you have a DP? I think in your position I'd consider how the drudgery of parenting could be shared, and how to get a bit of my life/identity back. You may feel more able for the rigours of teaching if you're revitalised a bit by being out of the house.

Or you might find you'd like to do something completely different. It's important to think how you can gain something for yourself and your soul.

Any childminders free now, to bridge the gap til September?

I do think the holidays are a big reason I'm swaying towards teaching. Maybe there are schools out there we could be happy in.

Primary here. I have been thinking about part- time. Especially to ease myself back in. I think the roles are hard to come by where I am but perhaps it's something I need to dedicate time to looking for.

Yes- to be fair to him DH helps out a lot. He tells me to get out more often but my friends are homebodies. My routine with DS having tons of screen time and not getting out probably doesn't help much.
Childminders is a great option actually. Will look into that. Need to try and tackle potty training too !!!

DD went to a fantastic childminder who looked after a few kids with ASD over the years, and it was a very lovely gentle setting. DD is NT but wouldn't have coped with the numbers at nursery. She was fine when it came to starting preschool.

staying at home isn’t for everyone, it’s like any job, right for some, not for others. There should be no shame or judgement for choosing what is right for your family.

a happy fulfilled mum will help bring up happy children.

if you do go back to work, just make sure the drudgery of home life does not solely fall to you. It can be easy to accept that as you are “choosing” to return.

I have to say parenting some SEN kids is not how many of us thought motherhood would be. I have one SEN kid without a school place so I've had to stop work to care for him. I'm going mad. You can love your child more than life but some kids need more support and more attention than the average child and you do loose yourself to them. He has no school place because early years settings fobbed me off and excluded him rather than do what is required to get him the correct support in place so when he starts school he's immediately traumatised and kicked out because his needs were too significant for mainstream school to handle.

Basically I'm saying there is no point thinking about work until you know you can get childcare and you will be shocked at how hard this is to get for a child with clear SEN

I know of quite a few other parents with similar experiences. One child was in nappies and non verbal and put into mainstream school. Not a single person could be bothered to do the work to get him support because his mum wasn't feisty enough to nag and make a problem of herself.

My advice is apply for an EHCP yourself now. If you have a non verbal 3 year old you may feel getting them a supportive school will be simple but it's not. My younger non verbal child can't get a place in nursery- obviously they don't tell me they are discriminating but I work in early years I know SEN kids without EHCP and the attached funding are discriminated against by a huge proportion of settings because financially it's a bad decision. Early years settings are struggling financially they don't want to add to their workload doing all the referral la and evidencing the amount of support a child needs to get them an EHCP when they know the child once they have an EHCP will move to a specialist setting and the extra finding will go to that setting. If your child comes with additional funding then it's easier find a setting happy to take them- wether they actually provide the support in the EHCP is whole other thing.

@ClaudiaWinklepanda I definitely think I should've explored going back earlier and finding a good childminder/small nursery too. Now he is eligible for school nursery from Sept I feel it wouldn't make sense for me to go down that route but I won't necessarily get the hours I need from a school one either.

@VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji I appreciate that a lot. I didn't know I wouldn't cope as badly as I have tbh. I definitely need to have the chat with hubby about how home life will work as ill be doing longer hours than him if I go down the teaching route.

@PurpleBugz I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible time trying to find a supportive school. I'm really not surprised so many people are opting to home school in one way but when chn have needs it's a whole other ball game and not exactly as 'simple' as home schooling a NT child. My DS has been given a place at a school nursery but I am yet to speak to anyone properly about his needs. The EHCP thing is a great idea. It does sound like a real minefield!