How did a 3rd impact your 2nd?

[Zarah786]

When my 2nd (DS) came along my 1st (DD) was 5. DD was a very calm, chilled baby and is as a girl now she is 8. She loves her brother but he was a boisterous baby, total opposite, so active, has toddler meltdowns but loves family time, he is very caring. Now he is turning 3 I am thinking of adding a 3rd.

I remember feeling guilty of the time lost with DD when DS came along and needed so much of me, but because she was older she was very involved and loved helping. As the gap will be smaller between 2nd and 3rd (if TTC goes as planned, my previous gap was planned to) I wonder emotionally how that would impact DS. Yes I would love to give them all equal time but parenthood means splitting time and giving it where it's needed.

Wondering how yours coped, worried it my just throw my DS off the rockers! Will he suffer from middle child syndrome, although I don't exactly know what that is. Am I better off focusing on just the two? Is it important for them to have more of a mother or more of a sibling?

My 2nd loved my 3rd from day one - took to it much more easily than the 1st did for the second. It might be because we were chilled parents by then being old hands! but it all fell into place with number 3 (number 4 was even easier!) - they just come everywhere too!. They never get as much time as the first child does with parents but they get so much more out of family life and i feel they benefit from a choice of playmates and more sibling support. Our older ones taught the little one how to read. Number 2 had far more patience than me with potty training number 4! Ours are all very different personalities and I do think birth order plays a role but there are good and bad things about each position. Middle children are very secure in my experience. Its obvs down to your family but if youre even considering a third I'd go for it - youll never regret it! One thing I do with four is make a point of one trip/day out with just each individual child per year and my husband does the same... its been amazing for some special memories (and chats) with each child (this is prob more for when theyre older..). But really you won't notice much difference between two and three - the jump to two is much harder and youve already done that..

Subsequent children obviously do have an effect on the ones you have.

My eldest is 7 and my DH homes she is a third parent. On school run she has one brother in each hand (I have the baby and the boys' bags). She seems to love it and they adore her. With a 4 year age gap they do seem to consider her as setting other than a peer, but they love her attention. She helps them with their shoesif I'm busy and reads with them. It's gorgeous to watch but I do sometimes worry that it takes the focus off her and her childhood.

The boys were 3 when DC4 was born. In many ways it has had less impact on them - their needs are still met. They do have to wait for a cuddle sometimes though - this can be upsetting to them at times. So far they haven't seen DC4 as much of a threat, but she's 4 months old and immobile. I think there will be sparks when she is a bit older, but I'm hoping they are settled at preschool by then and have enough else in their lives that it doesn't upset them too much.

I'm a fan of relatively large age gaps. I think anything less than 3 years can be tough on them as they are competing for similar things. Some may thrive on that and learn to be great at sharing, but I think that's not guaranteed. Honestly I think my DSis has always kind of resented me - she needed a lot of support and didn't always get it because I existed.

There's a little under 3.5 yrs between my DC1 and DC2. There's pros and cons to all age gaps I think. In an ideal world we actually wanted a smaller gap, but for financial and career reasons we felt that wasn't an option and then it took us a few months to conceive too.

My two have adored each other since before they were born, if you can allow me saying that! They're 5 and 2 now and play pretty well together for the most part. I loved having that time on mat leave off with both of them to spend more time with DC1 as well before they started school because in between I worked 4 days a week. So that was a special added feature of the age gap.

Downsides are just the usual things of obviously a three year old not being as mature as a five year old! In terms of splitting attention, waiting, toileting - only a logistical problem in public places for the most part but DC1 wasn't fully independent with wiping after a poo so there was that too, not yet getting their own drinks and snacks and so on, couldn't walk that far either so we used a buggy board a lot which was more physically demanding/annoying for me lol. They both also both woke in the night for the first few months too which was a killer.

And do you work if you don't mind me asking?

I'm on maternity leave at the moment, but yes I do work - spot the username 😉

I've been part time for the last 7 years. Anything between 2 days and 5 days compressed onto 4. Will be 4 days compressed onto 3 when I return for next academic year. DH also had 4 years when he did 4 days so he could have a day with the kids but sadly that's not possible any more. I do admit it's a bit of a juggling act! I DO have supportive family nearby - my boys will be doing 3 full days at preschool as of September, which they haven't done before so my parents are going to pick up at 3pm so they don't have to do after school club for their first half term. It's 2 hours 3 days a week and I'm so grateful to them.