How did going from 1 to 2 change your relationship and family dynamic?

[december2020]

We currently have 1 DC who is 3.
He was a tough baby and DH and I had a real strain on our relationship during the early months (especially as we have no family to help - it's just us two).
DS is bloody incredible now and me and DH have gone from strength to strength. Life feels really good.

And now we're considering trying for a second.
And as we get closer on making the decision, I get that nagging feeling of doubt.

Don't get me wrong, I would love and dream of another child, but I wonder how would this impact my relationship with DH and with DC.

Everything is so great, I know it could be amazing, but what if it changes everything for the worse.

So I ask you, how did going from one to two change your dynamic and relationship with your partner and child?

There's only 18 months between mine so I hadn't yet experienced how much 'easier' it gets and had spent half of my baby's life pregnant.
The second one seemed so much easier in many ways. Much less stress, panic, worrying and googling! My husband got straight back into newborn phase and remembered exactly what do while I was basically breastfeeding all day in the beginning! So for us it didn't really affect our family dynamic any more than having one. The eldest adjusted very well but was only 18m herself.
It was still hard of course and we have struggled too - lack of sleep does that to you. Now the youngest is 16m and we're coming out of the baby phase, I'm absolutely thrilled they have eachother and it's brings me so much joy seeing them together.

There were just over 3 years between ours. TBH, we did just get very lucky and both were 'easy' newborns, and oldest was never a 'terrible toddler' , so I don't think having a second had any impact on our relationship - infinitely less than just having a baby the first time. Once you 'know the drill' it's so much easier and if you've survived one challenging baby as a couple, a second won't break you either, but hopefully you won't have the same issue twice.

To be honest if time is on your side I’d wait another year or so until your son is reaching school age. That way you can enjoy the baby days with your newborn rather than it just having to come along to whatever your eldest is doing. I know the baby won’t mind, but it’ll make life so much easier for you.

Also with a 4+ year age gap the children won’t be competing for the same type of parental resources at the same time. We were going for the classic 2 year age gap but mother nature had other ideas which I am so glad for! Friends and family that have smaller age gaps always seem so stressed, exhausted in survival mode, and spend a lot of time refereeing their kids to try and get them to get along (my personal experience I know others may disagree). We only get one shot at life so why not make things as easy as possible :)

I guess the thing is you can never be certain unless you go ahead and do it. It's a gamble. DC1 was a reflux baby and the first 6 months were very hard for us but she got better and life got easier the older she got. The 3 of us had a very intense relationship because of covid and were together in a small flat a most of the time during her first 18 months. After her sleep got better it was a lovely little bubble and I have fond memories of our time spent together (all day every day literally!) DC2 was born just before DC1 turned 3 and he was a completely opposite baby, slept like a dream, easy going, very cuddly and content. DC2 was a bad birth and I wasn't able to be there for DC1 for a couple of months and I think this had an impact on her.

Having another child is absolutely wonderful, especially as they grow older and the kids develop relationships with eachother. I adore them both, my heart swells when I hear them giggling together. Not going to lie, the first year is hard but then it does get easier, you are juggling a newborn which feels like second nature so are more relaxed but with that you don't have all the time in the world to enjoy it like your first and you will need to accommodate DC1 needs and emotions along with their development. If you do do it, you and DH need to be on the same page so best to talk through possible situations and how you would cope etc so you dont revert back to what happened last time. Having another baby means inviting another person into your family and I think it's important to ask, is your family complete? I definitely feel it is after 2 kids whereas I didn't with only 1.

My two are 25 months apart so currently I have a 2.5 yr old and 5 month old. I think it depends a lot on your child.
my first was a breeze- especially with sleep my second doesn’t love sleep. And that’s had a big impact on our relationships. It’s affected my mood and I find myself having less energy for my toddler which means my husband steps in more. And weirdly although I knew I would spend more time with the baby I didn’t really anticipate that I would miss my toddler!
my husband and I are often tag teaming so we don’t do much together. Eg he will get toddler lunch ready and I put baby for nap but it’s meant we really appreciate family walks together.
i have just done some sleep training on baby (very fresh only 1 week in) but it’s made a huge difference and husband and I are now having evenings together again. One of us can do bedtime and other can relax if needed or both do it but know we will see each other shortly.

the two children have a beautiful bond already. Baby is enamoured with toddler and toddler loves baby so that’s been great.

i do think character of baby makes a difference but you describe that you had some challenges when your first was a baby so I suspect you will be well equipped to handle the things which took me by surprise. I had to learn a lot of things again because what worked for my first doesn’t for my second.

Thank you everyone!
This is so reassuring and of course, it's absolutely impossible to know what kind of child DC would be like until they'd be here.

But hearing your experiences has really put me at ease!

There are 2.4 years between my two and my youngest is 11 months so still very much in the thick of it. My baby is neither easy nor difficult just a very average baby, clingy and doesn’t sleep great but generally happy if needs met etc. it’s hard, harder than I thought it would be. My children have a lovely bond together but it’s very difficult to manage their different needs at the same time, for example the baby’s favourite pass time is knocking down my toddlers towers and ripping up her drawings etc which although trival in the grand scheme I do feel very guilty that her life has been very disrupted and she can’t even play with her toys in peace sometimes. I spend a lot of time just trying to distract my toddler and use way more screen time than I would like, again enormous guilt.

However I would do it all again in a heartbeat and in a lot of ways I know I just need to “get thorough” these years and then they will be able to play together and be friends. There’s a lovely calm feeling that comes with being a second time mother because you truly know it’s all just a phase!

It’s only been positive. They’re 4 years apart which wasn’t really planned but it’s worked out extremely well.

We found 1-2 quite easy.

we have 22 month gap between ours and had ds in such a good routine that dd just seemed to slip into that routine. It helped that she was a great sleeper from the get go.

My daughter 3 and was a very challenging baby and toddler. Requires a lot of attention. I have a 6 month old and it’s the best decision we ever made. She’s the opposite and super relaxed. DD1 has become calmer since the baby has come and it’s incredible watching the love between them. I found when my husband went back to work after 4 months and I had them both at home, it was a shock but within 2 months I worked out a routine and am no longer overwhelmed. It’s just getting used to the logistics of have it 2.
I would recommend 2 to everyone. I love it. I have a 2.5 year age gap and it’s great because my eldest DD can understand everything and helps out loads. I would have struggled if the age gap was smaller though.
it has had nothing but a positive effect on my relationship with my husband, unlike when we went from 0-1 and struggled. 1-2 was great 😊 Good luck x

It’s definitely been easier going from one to two. Relationships in a bad place but I think that would have happened anyway. Our second is a joy. I’ve also selfishly loved doing it ‘properly’ as dc1 was born in 2020.

My life massively improved going from 1 to 2 actually. Obviously the newborn stage is always hard.. but now they play together and always have company. I also feel less pressure as they have each other. I feel I'm a more chilled parent.
My relationship with my dh is even stronger because I feel more settled into family life in a way.
We've just had our 3rd.

The first year was typical in the trenches with a newborn type situation but even more difficult in some ways as we had another child we also had to feed, launder clothes for, clean up after, and entertain. It was hard work and tiring but we were expecting it and felt more confident second time round. DC2 was a much easier newborn for the first three months or so too (alas after that not so much...).

The first winter after I went back to work and DC2 started nursery was utterly horrific. That was the low point for us, as DC2 was really sick absolutely loads. Like, literally every other week from September-April. It was so stressful juggling the constant sickness with time off work especially when I was in a new job with an unsympathetic employer so the pressure was mostly on DH as his work were much more flexible and understanding. Obviously we were expecting lots of sickness as DC1 had been ill a lot but for whatever reason, maybe the time of year, DC2 was sick a lot more often, and was a lot more sick too. He had one period of hospitalisation which was terrifying, and he was sent to A&E by the GP numerous other times, he was that unwell. Then we had DC2 and ourselves obviously occasionally getting unwell on top so it was a really bleak period of time.

DC1 has always loved DC2 and is generally great with them. They're 5 and 2 now and adore each other, but they obviously do fight now a bit too!

My eldest was a difficult baby terrible reflux, allergies, asthma and more I loved him dearly but it was so stressful and my husband really couldn’t cope with it at all. I swore I couldn’t go through it again. I’m an only child and always been happy with that.
My husband however was adamant on a second it caused so many rows but I fell pregnant and had my second 4 years later.
I had a stressful birth and didn’t bond immediately but after a few weeks I just fell in love with him he was the easiest most content baby ever.
The timing was brilliant as my eldest started school and so I could have my time with my second I could also attend every mum thing happening at school and made a great bunch of friends. The boys have their moments but largely adore each other. My eldest has ASD and his brother has been such a benefit to him.

I won’t lie, I think having two children is 3 times the work initially, but you need to look at the long term. I love having siblings and I really dint want to have an only child. mine are 13 and 10 now and my house would be very peaceful and probably a lot tidier if we had stopped at the 1 DC (second is a whirlwind!) but I wouldn’t change it for the world and i love knowing they’ve got each other. With a 3 year age gap, and my second born on the last day of summer term I had both kids at home during maternity leave so it was tough but that was also part of the plan as I only took 4 months off with the first so having that time before my eldest started full time school was lovely. With a 4 year age gap, you’re oldest will be in school so should be a bit easier (once you master school runs with a newborn).

my first was in early lockdown and my husband and I bonded a lot during my mat leave. it was like we were in our own bubble. 2nd time around 2.5 years later things felt more difficult. husband wasn't working at home as much. we had done the night wake ups together the first time but 2nd it fell all on me (he would go to the first if they woke up). I've found it a lot harder managing 2 kids alone on days husband is busy with work/going out / doing DIY. We're constantly tag teaming. it's harder to ask family to look after 2 than 1 so we don't get time alone. tbh it feels like we're just surviving at the moment and our relationship is transactional. I'm hoping it gets easier as the kids get a bit older. that said it is wonderful seeing th4e kids together and it means that eventually they'll play together more and need less input from us.