Terrified baby is going to die

[Louad]

I have a beautiful 6mo DS, who I love with every part of me and I have a terrible fear he is going to die. I have to be able to see him breathing whilst he’s napping - usually on me/in pram next to me. I often pull the car over to check him, or will reach round to hold his hand to make sure he grips it. At night I sit next to him once he’s asleep before going to sleep myself, he wears a breathing monitor (snuza). I regularly wake him up as I’m convinced he’s not breathing. I’ve called 999 before as I’ve panicked he stopped breathing/was out of character/having a seizure.

I know this is all irrational, but I can’t help but thinking what if for 5 mins I didn’t check and something awful happened, I may have been able to prevent it or done something. I’ve spoken to GP and had online CBT which hasn’t helped. I never suffered with poor MH prior to pregnancy when I suffered with quite bad anxiety - mostly pregnancy related of something terrible happening - initially miscarriage (had 1 before) then him coming early, then worried about stillbirth. I also had quite a traumatic separation from my husband during pregnancy.

Not sure the point of this, but just looking for help, support, advice, signposting to try to get better. Day to day I’m generally ok, see friends & family most days and mood is good - don’t think it’s PND but PN anxiety. I just can’t shake this feeling that something awful will happen to my boy who is my entire world 😓

Oh OP I understand. I was like that during pregnancy, not so much 6 months on though. It’s so stressful, the whole thing of parenting. Sorry you’re suffering. I remember vividly the moment I realised my first born would not live forever. Honestly it was a shock!
All I can think to suggest is anti-anxiety meds; they changed my life and are not forever. I took them for about 18 months.

Thank you.

Did they help? I do think about taking something but then (again it’s how ridiculous my thoughts have got) I think, if I take them I’ll become complacent and then what if I miss something and something terrible happens to him because I’m taking tablets that make me less anxious.

Sorry for waffling and not sure if that makes sense

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP.
I also suffered from postnatal anxiety, and vividly remember going through endless scenarios of things that could happen that would result in my baby dying in various horrible and extremely unlikely ways. I remember the constant checking that she was breathing, overthinking every sniffle etc. I remember crying to my husband because I was just so scared that she was going to die.
I'm glad you reached out to your GP, and I think you should go back to get further support. For me the thing that ultimately helped was just time. As she got bigger/older she just seemed less fragile/more robust, and as we left the SIDS risk period behind my anxiety very gradually eased. Perhaps also something to do with the fact she's now successfully remained alive and continued to breathe for ~900 days gives me confidence that she's clearly not hovering on the brink at all times. She's 2.5 now, and while I still get the odd paranoid thought, and I still check her breathing once before I go to bed at night, I'm more or less back to normal now. Looking to try to conceive again soon though an it does make me a bit nervous, but I feel more prepared this time. I really hop you feel back to yourself again soon. It really does get easier.

No that totally makes sense. I found I could think a lot clearer while taking them - the ‘what if I become complacent and don’t check and something happens’ noise just didn’t exist in my head anymore and I was a lot more rational. The over-diligence (not the word I’m looking for!) is actually so counter productive and it’s nice to have relief from that, you can kind of see things more clearly and start enjoying stuff.

Sorry you are having such a bad time. I sympathise hugely in terms of the anxiety, I was terribly anxious with my first DC in particular. I think a degree of anxiety is perfectly normal and probably necessary in evolution terms - but when it gets this bad, it’s not helpful. Maybe think of it as being a bit like caffeine or something, in that the right amount can perk you up but too much gives you the jitters, if you see what I mean? Medication could help to regulate that, in the short term.

I also found it easier as mine got older - they just seemed less fragile.

I feel like this about mine and they're 6 & 8. Just started sertraline after years of resisting.

' I regularly wake him up'

Disturbing his sleep is going to be detrimental for his health.

You need to see your GP or seek private treatment as your anxiety has the potential to harm your child.

This book was recommended to me when mine were babies. I couldn't afford it at the time due to the import cost but you can get it cheaper now : www.amazon.co.uk/Dropping-Baby-Other-Scary-Thoughts/dp/0415877008

Thank you, I’m very aware of this hence why I have accessed support.

Oh OP. I really sympathise. I had horrendous PND and anxiety too. I was never worried about them breathing but it manifested in other ways.

It's good you've recognised that you have symptoms. Constantly checking on your baby, waking them up is counterproductive as it only provides short term relief before the whole cycle begins again. Do you have access to a health visitor? Mine were fantastic and referred me to the perinatal team. Also I found a local group for mums with mental health which was instrumental in my recovery too. I found medication so helpful too. Please reach out to your GP and health visitor. There is so much support out there

I get it I've felt similar with my first and do still worry but not to the same extent.
It's good you've talked to your gp.
Honestly for me the best thing I did with dc2 (and loads of people will say I'm just feeding the anxiety but worked for me) I got the owlet sock monitor. Put the wee sock on their foot at bedtime and I can literally see dc oxygen levels and heartrate on my phone. It genuinely helped me. When I woke I could see the numbers and that they are fine and go back to sleep. Dc now 2.5 and I rarely use the sock now but if their chest is bad (suspected asthma) or they are particularly unwell then I put it on and it gives me reassurance

OP your post took me back 30 years to when DD1 was a baby. It is the most awful.feeling and I'm very sorry that you are going through this. After battling on for several months in a state of terror I did seek help and for me talking to a sympathetic support worker made a difference. However I think it was her getting older and past the SIDS risk stage that finally brought t about an improvement. I was much better with DD2 perhaps because I was more experienced and she was a more settled baby who slept..

Oh OP I'm so so sorry for what you're going through - big hugs. I was exactly like you. I would sleep with one hand on her, if she was in the pram and someone else wanted to push her I had to walk next to her.
How are you sleeping? I found my anxiety became much worse as I slept less (a vicious cycle). Once I managed to get a few more hours in a row it eased slightly.
DD is four now, and i still worry about the odd thing but nowhere near as it was in those early months.
All I can offer is a handhold, and the advice of my health visitor who told me to keep reminding myself that thoughts aren't facts. (Like a mantra, over and over some nights).

When our firstborn was brand new, my husband kept all the windows in the house closed in case he tripped whilst carrying him and accidently threw him out the window. It's a mad time, the newborn stage. Hope you feel better soon, with support.

Sending you so much virtual support and admiration for raising this. I dont think its talked about as much as PND - I found my health visitor to be empathetic but not immediately helpful - she said it was the natural over protective mother hormones gone into overdrive and it would fade - to be fair it did fade but it took 9 months - a year.. I had terrible anxiety with my last two babies - my brain made up all sorts of ways I was going to loose them and I had flashes of impending disasters all the time - felt like I was going a bit mad (and that was after having two healthy babies before with no trauma at all). With the next baby - I still had it but I was more aware it was a phase which did help.

Well done for reaching out.
I think you need to go back to the GP and or health visitor for some more support; they may advise a referral to perinatal team.