A girl being awful to my 12yr DD

[RachieSteves]

Hi

I’m just after some advice please.

My DD is in year 7 (first year of senior school) she has stayed friends with a small group of girls from her old school and their friendship group has expanded to include some new girls. My Dd is a shy girl but has been growing in confidence with the help of joining clubs outside of school. Shes a gentle soul and so I was worried about how senior school was going to go because she’s always been a bit shy but she seemed to be doing ok.

One of these newish girls in their group is very loud and seems to have made herself the queen bee of the group (for want of a better phrase). She has been being sly mean to my DD for a while now, not enough for us to get too involved but certainly enough to upset my daughter, she’s been ignoring it and we thought it had stopped.

The last couple of weeks the girl has gone on the attack of my daughter. Been chatting to her other friends behind her back saying she doesn’t like my DD, made horrible snap chat stories about her, told their whole friendship group that she is going to exclude my DD from a sleepover she’s having…so she made a whole group thread with their friendship group added my DD and then said “oh we don’t want you there” and then unadded her from the group. Shes trying hard to turn my daughters best friends that she has since primary school against her and one of them is turning against her. Thats just a few examples, its just been very unpleasant.

My DD this week has been so down and depressed about it, she’s not eating, she’s not sleeping. But she is saying she does not want me to message or call the school as she doesn’t want it to get worse.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Do I go against my daughter’s wishes and call the school? Do I speak to this girls parents!? I have never been in this situation before and I am struggling to know what is best to do for my DD.

I am at work at the moment and am crying for her, I hate that I’m sending her in to school knowing how sad and worried she is.

Your posts make zero sense, let alone appear rational. You are also being rude. Nobody has advocated violence against the bully. What a weird comment. The school will have a policy and that is where you start. All the "stupid" comments on here are from people who have either been through this or have young teens in secondary school. Your comments are not in the least bit helpful.

@RachieSteves Go into school, regardless of whether your child wants you to or not. It's important that you stamp on this quickly before it escalates. Because it will escalate. Please listen to those of us who have walked this mile. Good luck.

And then be arrested and imprisoned for assaulting a minor.

Great advice.

You could see if the school could help encourage other friendships. Secondary school does change the dynamic of primary friendships. I think it is worth your daughter mentioning the behaviour but in my experience it can worsen things. Especially if social media is involved. I haven't let my DD have snap chat for this reason because you can't see what's been said.

I have found being in school clubs has helped my DD meet new friends. When they streamed lessons that also helped.

I wouldn't approach the parents unless you know them well.

@RachieSteves
I have similar with my 11 year old daughter. I went in to the school and they have been super. It is not completely fixed but it is better as the school have put in place measures to reduce the contact between the girls and they have unweighted their general focus on bullying measures and how to cope / what to do. I told one other parent from primary school and turns out her daughter was having similar issues. That has helped massively.
My daughter didn't want me to report either but I felt it important that she knew this was unacceptable behaviour and that it should not be tolerated by her or anyone else. I was firm that even in a work environment this would be reported so she understood it wasn't me 'going over her head'.
There is a defined process and we use that to tackle it. She knows I am on her side. She knows that retaliation is not the correct response - although I do support her firmly telling the other girl to go away and I do support her going to the teacher. If it gets worse again then I will look at how we can support her even further.
Incidentally the only reason I became aware of an issue was my daughter stood up for herself and called the bully a name. The bully went home and told her mum who called me. I asked my daughter to apologise and then it all came out that she had responded after months of putting up with nonsense from this other girl. I then told the other mum that I wanted the school to support both girls in breaking up whatever toxic relationship was there. Turns out subsequently that the bully has targeted a number of other girls - that's a whole other can of worms for her own parents to deal with if they ever accept it.

Re above
Upweighted, not unweighted.

Going against the (sensible) advice on here, but would you daughter feel able to stand up to this girl, and tell her to fuck off/pipe down??

Bit of piss taking might go a long way

I’ve seen the messages, I’ve seen the snap chat stories, I have full access to my daughter’s phone at all times. I’ve spoken to two other people who have witnessed the girl being horrid to my daughter. My DD is not a liar. I am a worried mum asking for advice. Your comments are hurtful and not helpful in the slightest.

Thank you so much 💞

I’m so sorry this happened to your daughter. Children can be so cruel.

Thank you so much for your advice you are absolutely right I need to nip this in the bud now. Nothing is more important than my child’s well being.

Speak to old primary school best friends parents they can make sure there daughter is in line and not being a cow !
If it were me I'd be flying straight round to parents of the little bitches and threatening to make her life hell if she doesn't back off.
Whether that's right or wrong - that's what I would or will do in the future. Nothing would stop me from protecting my child from bullies

Thank you so much for this reply. I’m sorry this was happening to your daughter. You sound like you’ve dealt with all of that so well 💞 Thank you again for your reply, it makes me feel less alone and more confident to be able to help her through this.

@RachieSteves
It hasn't been easy and I've had to really check my own emotions.
Best of luck to you and to your daughter.

Get her off social media, particularly Snapchat