Did you delay giving your child a mobile phone?

[Muminthewest]

I have 2 children in primary school (Yr 4 and Yr 1) and would like to delay giving them a mobile phone for as long as possible. I have ideas about how to go about this and there are other parents in the school who want to do it so hopefully we can build a bit of a social environment where we can do this.

It would be great to get tips and thoughts from other parents with older children/teens who chose to not give their child a Smartphone when the majority of their peers were getting one. How did you navigate it? Did you children mind a little or a lot? What alternatives did you find - particularly re the social side so your kids still felt connected with friends when they weren’t with them?

I read this article recently and it reinforced my view that children shouldn't have smartphones until mid-teens. And definitely NO social media!

Start talking to your DC now about the negatives of phone use, and what they can do instead (clubs, sport, trips into town with friends, etc). My teen isn't on social media because I've talked about how it's inappropriate for children since she was in primary school. She's now technically old enough, but she's seen the drama, bullying, and weirdness that comes from her friends' experiences on social media, and she doesn't want anything to do with it.

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2024/03/teen-childhood-smartphone-use-mental-health-effects/677722/

Mine were in secondary school.. Ds 9 knows he has a while to wait. Won't be relenting either.. Also don't allow under age drinking.. Dc know I won't bend..

My DS is 12 and has no friends - he gets a lift to school and a taxi home - he can walk into town on his own but it's 10 minutes and he knows his way - we offered him a brick phone a couple of years ago when we went to a festival but he didn't want it, and he can play games on his tablet or Switch and email relatives.
So we don't see the point in him having one. He has not really asked.
DD is 9 and will be getting herself to school and has been pestering for ages. We've told her she doesn't need one now (she walks to school but it's literally 2 minutes), and I think she'll be getting the rejected brick when she starts high school.
We have quite a good setup with Family Link on Android where only we can approve apps and also time on them, there's no password to sneak them on by themselves, so we could go with that later.

Mine is in year 7. She got a brick phone when she started secondary. She’s not getting a smartphone until at least 14/15.

I have been indoctrinating talking to her about the pitfalls of smartphones for a long time, so she has bought into the plan to an extent.

You can’t avoid them being a bit of an odd one out, but actually there’s a group of ‘odd ones’ in my dd’s school so she’s not the only one.

Just be aware that most of the kids that my dd knew whose parents didn't allow them to have a mobile phone ended up with secret devices that their parents didn't know about. And secret social media accounts that nobody was monitoring.

I delayed for as long as I reasonably could, especially with certain social media, but if you go too far and don't let your child access stuff that most other kids of their age have access to, there is a risk that they will take matters into their own hands. I knew several people who were very vocal about not letting their kids have social media, but I also knew from monitoring my own dd's accounts that these parents were actually oblivious to what their kids were really doing online.

So restrict as you see fit but beware of unintended consequences. Better to allow more with appropriate monitoring and guidance, in my view, than to restrict to the extent that they just go behind your backs.

I agree that you have to keep them on board. It doesn’t work if it’s something you’re ‘doing to’ them. Like anything involving teenagers really, a lot is about the strength of the relationship you have with them. How are these kids getting the money to buy devices behind their parents’ backs though?

@Medschoolmum who paid for these secret devices? And what age are we talking?
Currently, my DCs have little access to money (though as DS has SEN and is a bit young for his age we may well be lulled into a false sense of security).

I am aware also of the difficulties of children having friends with greater access to smartphones and looking things up/communicating via their friends' phones.

Mine are 12yo (Yr8) and 11yo (Yr6). Younger one doesn't have a phone yet due to the SM problems in her year group. Shes actually a bit thankful to be put of the drama! But... she will need one soon. As she needs online access for a lot of school stuff in September at school. Plus to be able to contact us.

Elder DD did start with doing school work on the laptop... but some of the apps work better on touch screen.

I don't know who paid for the devices. I would assume that a lot were older phones passed on by friends, perhaps used with WiFi only? I don't know details, I just know that the reality didn't line up with what their parents thought it was.

I was also aware of one kid who didn't have a phone but regularly accessed social media accounts via friends' phones.

I'm talking about early secondary age here. Primary school kids didn't really have them when dd was at that age, and by late secondary, I assume that most parents are happy to allow them...or at least stop being vocal about it if they don't!!

Neither of my kids had phones until they started secondary school. I don't see the need for primary aged children to have them but that's up to their parents.

I just said no, it's really not something you need to overthink. Mine's in Y6 and 11 and still has no phone, though all but 1 of her friends do and some have for years.

I've seen what her friends get up to online (because she has showed me on a family tablet) and it's been an easy no for me. She does ask and we just keep saying no and she will have one when it's appropriate. And I've explained the dangers of online activity - in fact, she's seen it herself with friends being scammed (and I would say in some cases, groomed), and we've talked about why that is not okay.

We will allow her to have one for monitored occasional use before she starts secondary school. You're the parent and you make the rules. It's not something that is up for negotiation. If you want kids to stay connected to friends, you liaise time for meeting up with friends via their parents.

Am I glad this wasn't a thing when ours were younger (you still got the teen troubles, just different)

First child got a brick phone in y7. He was fine with it and very accepting but god it was awful. It made it basically impossible for him to communicate with his friends - this wouldn’t have been so bad but we went into lockdown. It was the sort of phone where it could only store 50 text messages etc. And he’s extremely sensible. So we switched him to one of our old phones and set up extensive parental controls. He does have and use WhatsApp but the deal was we could and would read it and look through his phone. He’s v sensible and they’re only talking about warhammer and exchanging Star Wars memes most of the time anyway.

Youngest got a phone for y7 - we sidestepped the brick. Same controls and limits. He has much bigger WhatsApp group stuff and we’ve helped him by stepping in once or twice and hoo ha has been sorted. He did a lot of muting and choosing only to stay in groups that were ok.

As a teenager we didn't even have a house phone.,neither did my bf. He lived a few train stops from me and we used to leave letters hung on a fancy bell ornament in my back yard... Our relationship was fab!!

I'd like to stick with no phone till 18, but I've relented and DD 11 is getting a phone for secondary. No tiktok or Snapchat though, and I get to monitor usage/ do regular checks.

It’s quite easy, you don’t buy them one. Or if you do and it’s a smartphone, understand that you’ve handed them a bottle of vodka and said ‘go play in the road, enjoy’

or get them one, but be a parent and manage it with them. It’s not their phone if you’re paying for the data and credit, it’s your phone (I’m stealing a Katherine Ryan quote there) so take it off them/restrict/don’t allow apps/make sure they don’t have it in room overnight, whatever you want to do, you can, you’re the parent. There’s plenty you can do, but most of all keep conversations going with them- talk about how they can be groomed online, how they can get into trouble from their own behaviour online. Don’t sit on your own phone in front of them for hours and expect them not to go on theirs. Don’t get your own phone out in restaurants, family days out- do some decent modelling of behaviour around phone use.

Basically, it’s a load of extra emotional baggage for parents to manage, so if you don’t need that and your child would also benefit from no extra drama in their life, don’t get them the smartphone. It’s simple.

Dd 11 has a smartphone. No social media and no mobile data. So she can't go online outside the house but can still phone txt. She connects to wifi when home

DS12 doesn't have one yet. Only one of his friends has a brick phone as he has to travel across the city for music lessons.
Hasn't caused an issue yet. He'll get an iPad for school work from September. He said he's ok to wait until he's 14 to get a phone (same as his friends- the parents have discussed this amongst ourselves too). We'll see!

Basically you don't know any facts all just hearsay?

No, I have seen the phones and the social media posts, I just haven't conducted a full investigation into matters relating to other people's children.

Mine got phones (smart) when they started secondary school, mostly so they could ring and tell me where the bus had broken down and we could go and retrieve them! The worst buses are put on the 20 mile rural school runs. Most of their friends got phones in that same summer holiday.

Up until about age 15 I would randomly check messages some days, just to check that nothing particularly untoward was happening, but blimey they can chat some shit!!

No phones her until secondary school, when DS got a smart phone but with us controlling all the apps and putting blocks on harmful content (as much as we can).
we TALK to DS all the time about harmful content and we check the messages. Talking is by far your most powerful weapon

Our DCs are in their 20s and when they started high school my DH found the most embarrassing old mobiles in his company's cast off mobile box to give them. One was blue and orange Nokia and the orange part lit up when it rang. It spent most of its time hidden in DC's school bag.