No mates for me or my toddler

[GeorgiaP88]

before baby i had a few friends, after baby i have none. i go to baby groupe alone, soft play, the park etc (with toddler of course!) but i feel like im fucking up my toddler by him not having any friends. i have tried making friends with parents that have kids his age but theyve gone no where, at soft play i feel like im just in peoples way as theyve all gone in groups with their kids. i feel like the outcast at school. anyone else completely friendless? i cant afford to put baby in nursery and i go to as many classes as we can. am i damaging my toddler by not having anyone his own age for him to socialise with. feeling pretty crap i have to say

i could of wrote this myself. I stress i’m ruining it for my dd to, i moved across the country and have no friends and lost contact with any i used to have. It’s very lonely as well, i feel so isolated and sad that it’s harder for my dd to make friends, i started thinking i was the only one

IME kids don’t really have friends until they are 3+, at which point they can make friends themselves through pre school! Before that it’s really playing alongside each other, which they can do at playgroup, soft play etc.

I’m like this as well. I have social anxiety so it’s very difficult for me to talk to people and make friends. I do worry about it affecting my son so I try to talk to other parents as much as I can. It is difficult though. And I relate to it feeling like everyone else is already in groups and me being in the way.

When your toddler starts nursery/school you will both make friends naturally.

Are there any local fb groups specially for mum friends? Or if there is a friendly face at one of the groups or classes you go to, just ask the mum would you like to go for a coffee after class? You have to put yourself out there a bit but you definitely aren't screwing your kid up. He will be fine

you cant be the only one cause im right there with you. its shit isnt it. my partners family have 3 toddlers literally a few weeks older than mine and we dont even get invited to anything with them. its just us. as sad as it sounds im sat on the sofa crying because when i posted this on peanut (wouldnt reccommend) i was made to feel like an absolute c*nt for wanting to make friends. i’m so bored of the same monotony every day but LOVE being with my son too, im just sick of going to soft play and groups just to feel like a spare part

Absolutely. My main memories of the baby/toddler group I attended and later ran was all the younger ones just playing with toys and ignoring one another. Only in the months before they started school did a bunch team up and start playing collective games.

Sounds like you are doing lots of lovely things to socialise your toddler by going to baby groups /parks/walks etc. Keep going to the same groups each week and your toddler will start to play with the others and you will start to be familiar with the other mums. Just try and enjoy your time together at these classes and try not to feel the pressure of having to make friends at every session. The most important thing for your toddler is that you are out and about together and not stuck at home.

there are a lot of toddlers in our families but no one bothers and it’s so sad, we have tried to make the effort previously but they just didn’t care. Sometimes i feel like people are looking at soft play as everyone seems to go in there friends groups and i’m sat like a spare part and my dd is so shy so she plays alone as she don’t have anyone she repeatedly plays with and it makes me so sad and i have tremendous guilt, i wanted another to give her a sibling but really it just wouldn’t of been the same. i’m sorry the other website gave you a bad experience

School will make a difference, or nursery. I didn't make friends in baby groups but I was back to work when both of mine were nine months I then they got invited to things through nursery and then school and you make friends with the other mums more naturally too.

You’re not messing him up at all, it’s so hard at groups and places and it always seems like everyone else is getting along but everyone else is literally just hoping they’ll get through it or have a decent time, some might hide it well! Just keep going and concentrate on having fun with him and everything else will fall into your lap. A lot of people’s kids don’t even get socialised that much. All he needs is a happy mum x

Your dc will be fine. They will make friends at nursery once they have their free hours and when they're at school. I am on my own with my 2yo most of the time but we are out at classes or groups every day and she is happiest playing with me or some of the other adults there. I don't get lonely tbh but I'm an introvert and never felt the need for friends before dcs anyway. I am very hands on with my dc so at places like soft play I am inside the play frame with her not sitting on my own outside. I like making plans for just the two of us and not having to negotiate plans or having to compromise on anything. I find it a bit of a pain when a mum starts chatting to me at a group and I feel obliged to chat but my dc really needs me to help her, I don't think I could manage to socialise with another adult and keep an eye on my dc properly.

Have you tried the peanut app? My friend used this when she had a little one and no mum friends, she met some lovely people to drink coffee with while kids on soft play/ walk/ go to playground with.

yeah been on there for a year with no luck, today infact one of the ladies was just telling me how much of an inconvenience people like me are who want a little chit chat from time to time because she goes to babg groups to get some peace. she made me feel that bad i was sat crying like an absolute moron so wont be going on it again sadly.

i think everyones right really they dont play with eachother at this age (16m) i just dont want him to have no friends, and some adult conversation from time to time wouldnt be so bad either haha

When you go out and about, think of it this way - you are not alone, you have your best friend with you all the time😄, you can play together alone or make friends as you go along, it’s all about the mindset of being on your own that needs to change in my opinion.
Todders don’t need to socialise until the age of 3, this is when they start to sort of miss that, before then it’s just childcare, not socialising as such in the nurseries. You are not damaging him, you will see x

Please don't feel guilty, there is absolutely no need.
Your DC sounds Like you are giving them a great life, they get to be out and about seeing loads of new things in the security of their most trusted and loved person.
They are not missing out on anything, if they want to interact with others, you are giving them ample opportunity, but they are showing you they are happy doing it their way.

It may be you feel bad for you child as you yourself are feeling like you are missing out on making friends , so are worried your DC is, they won't be.

Are you chatting to others at the groups you go to??? I thought I would despise the small talk of other "mummies" but I used to attend the same groups weekly and found a little group of 3 of us who used to meet up just for kids days out etc.

yeah i chat to them sometimes, a lot go in pairs or 3s with their toddlers and literally dont even aknowledge me when i talk to them so i stopped trying. when baby was 4 months old we did baby massage and i found two lovely girls with babys the same age as mine and we met up a few times at other baby groups but then they both went back to work full time, now their kids are in a nursery together and unless i message in our group chat no one talks, havent seem them since last summer. i never realised quite how lonely motherhood could be

I've definately been where you have, motherhood can be really lonely! But I don't think you're failing in the slightest - it's brilliant that you're taking him out to all these different places, especially given you're finding it difficult yourself. Have you tried the Peanut app? (It's a bit like Tinder for mums) Or seeing if there are any Mum meet up groups on Facebook in your area? I have made a few mum friends by doing this, though it has been hard work. I never made any mum friends through playgroups or anything like that - I've always found them unbearably awkward and cliquey.

I’m one of the mums who doesn’t want to make friends at baby classes/Toddler groups.

It has absolutely nothing to do with what I think of the other parents & not in any way personal. I just want to spend time with my child & enjoy the things we are doing together. I have other children and the time we spend alone is really special.

At a couple of the classes I go to there have been a few mums who have wanted to chat or invited me for coffee etc. They’re nice enough but I’m there for my toddler not myself. It really isn’t anything personal & it’s a bit annoying when the atmosphere changes when I decline a meet up etc.
Maybe this is what the poster on Peanut meant. Try not to take it personally.

Don't worry! It can be lonely but it won't hurt your DC.

It partly depends if there are other sahms in your area - if not then it's hard to connect as working mums of small kids just don't really have any time.

I moved to a new city when I had DS1 and I often felt like I had a flashing sign over my head - desperate for friends, avoid!

I joined a mom group and ran a playgroup for a couple years. Many many lonely park sessions with nobody showing up but eventually it was really good. Then moved city again and covid happened so back to square one.

I think you just have to keep trying casually, be relaxed about rejection, and hope to click either one or two people eventually.

yeah i chat to them sometimes, a lot go in pairs or 3s with their toddlers and literally dont even aknowledge me when i talk to them so i stopped trying
That sounds really rude, even if you don't want to be mates, they should be civil. You dodged a bullet with them

when baby was 4 months old we did baby massage and i found two lovely girls with babys the same age as mine and we met up a few times at other baby groups but then they both went back to work full time, now their kids are in a nursery together and unless i message in our group chat no one talks, havent seem them since last summer. i never realised quite how lonely motherhood could be

I think this is where it sounds hard, unless you actually make proper friends with anyone, as their child situation changes, so does your connection with them.
I had our DS later than my friends so they had all passed the baby phase when I had him, I made sure I kept seeing them of an evening and weekend as normal so I still had that contact with them.
But I did lots of classes locally and I tended to start seeing the same faces, and in time we started chatting, then walking back part way home together, then a stop off at the park etc etc and it just grew from there and I ended up with a good group of mum friends. We welcomed and invited anyone into our little group who looked alone and wanted to chat.

Do you live near your classes ?
Is it a close knit community