Autistic daughter seems to want friends 🥺🥺

[MumOfOneAllAlone]

Hi everyone

I don't post much but I'm a Sen mum of one 4 year old (5 next month). She's so sweet and loves cuddles and music. She goes to a special needs class in her school (an ARP) so is around autistic kids.

Most of them are speaking and say hello to eachother at drop off. Mine seems to want to engage but doesn't understand how to, despite my kneeling down and encouraging a 'hello'. She kind of leans into their faces making intense eye contact - which is obviously awkward for the other child and they just ignore her. I'm almost crying writing this.

She's officially non verbal but is learning new words and has started saying some in context. She even says hello to her cat.

Does anyone have any tips, if you've been in this situation at all? 🙏🏾 I'd be grateful for some advice on getting her to say, at least 'hello' at the school gate.

Thanks xx

Aw I know this feeling. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. You can do lots of role play and social stories about saying hello and goodbye if she is able for them. Hopefully her teacher will be helping her with this too. She is so young and has a long way to go.

Thank you 🥺 - you're right about social stories, I need to get them going it was just so awful to watch 🥺

Just let her be social on her own terms right now. If she wants to get up in their faces (and they tolerate it) that’s OK! I can see you were really upset by that but was she?

Can you teach her to sign? It uses a different part of the brain to speech and then enquire about SEN groups in the wider community that may have other signing children.

You might like to watch the following to see the future for two teen/adult autistic people who are/were both non verbal and despite their struggles to love life, communicate in their own way. Neither channel shows any melt downs just happy moments with their children, personally I don't agree with posting things the child would be embarrassed about.

Teen Thomas frequents Disney World and all the characters know him, he says hello in a similar way close eye gazing or holds hands with them.

Jordyns Summer shirt project is a great YouTube channel about the fully adapted shirt selling project that Jordyns mum set up, she was non verbal for a long time and seems to really like the YouTube videos and does her own now, she has some great friends too both autistic that work in the shop and others that are not.

Following as we have a similar thing

Oh bless her. My dd is not autistic but couldn't speak much at that age. She was also desperate for friends but had no idea what to do. Could you role play these sort of social situations with some dolls?

Could she maybe do a high 5? If she wants some sort of physical contact, a high 5 would be less off-putting to others than her leaving into their face. Most kids recognise a high 5. It would also look like a wave.

Does she do sports?

My boys have thrived in gymnastics (very rule based classes - ice breaker games at the beginning of sessions help them to get to know the other kids in a relaxed way)
Expectations are the same each week.

I think most people would help and encourage their kids to accommodate if you just let them know. My son (5) has an autistic child in his class at school and the mum put a letter / postcard in all of the kids school bags with a picture of the boy and explaining he is autistic and what he likes / dislikes and encouraging all of the other kids to just be aware and hopefully have some grace towards him. It was extremely helpful as I could explain to my son to be especially kind towards to the boy and make an effort to include him and be patient with him. Most people want to help it's just the lack of knowing! maybe you could try something like this? explaining it would mean so much to her? hope this helps x

Sorry for the late response - you're right, I don't know if she was upset - she seems herself but her the little speech she had has gone so maybe she is 🥺🥺

Sorry for the late response - I've just been in my head all weekend. I could try, at school they seem to be trying with makaton. I'll have a look at the YouTube channels, thank you - completely agree, it's best to show positive moments only. I'll get on with learning a few makaton signs for hello

It's hard isn't it 🥺

Sorry for the late response. This is a good idea as well, she's got some soft toys that she loves so I could try with those

She can sometimes respond to a high 5 but never initiates - I might ask her teacher if she can practice at school as well

She doesn't, there doesn't seem to be any good sports facilities around us for autistic kids - even though we're in greater London - I'll have a look. I've been looking at private swimming lessons as she loves water, maybe that will help her confidence

@OP has said, 'which is obviously AKWARD for the other child so they ignore her'. Clearly they don't tolerate it and it's not as simple as letting her be social on her own terms because she wants to socialise with other people. To do that, she needs to be taught what is acceptable and to recognise social cues.

Sorry for the late response - this is a good idea. She's in a class for autistic kids but it took me by surprise at how many of them were talking. She's not in mainstream but I feel like I'm facing the same issue I would've had if she were. Combined with some methods to get her talking more, I could try and mention to a couple of the friendlier mums, after Easter

Don't worry too much - she is only 4 and has plenty of time to learn this stuff. It is very positive that she wants to be friendly even if she doesn't know how to do it yet.

The teacher should be arranging time for her to do tasks with one other chosen child, where their interaction is supported to be successful, and someone is observing. You can also practice it at home with her toys.

My 4yo is verbal but doesn't really talk to children much and doesn't say hello or goodbye to anyone. Some of the things he enjoys doing with other children are chasing, rolling a ball or cars back and forwards, sharing things e.g. stickers, peekaboo type games, building a tower together. Usually an adult is supporting/facilitating but he is gaining more confidence. Do you feel like your DD has these kinds of opportunities to interact non verbally?

I'm sorry op, it's hard bit she sounds a darling. Mr Tumble is great on CBeebies for Makaton and I liked that my son saw he wasn't the only child who was a bit different.

We had the opposite problem at this age as he dislikes other kids but not at 8 and verbal, he still struggles more than he realises to make "firm" friendships, still talks at not to a lot of the time etc., but it is getting better, he's got connections with the other kids they're just a bit different

Thanks everyone, sorry I took so long to respond, I was just down all weekend. I'm gonna get organised over Easter, get some short social stories printed out, as well as learning some signs for hi and how are you. I'll also practice 'going to school' with her teddies xx

My dd is autistic but in mainstream. She has a 1:1 TA and in reception this lady worked wonders finding children who were amenable to being her friend. She did lots of one to one work with my dd about how to respond to these dc. She also did lots of small group work with those children and they formed a lovely little group.
Is there a member of support staff you could approach about this issue? At this age social skills are a big part of the curriculum so they should be trying to help her with this just as much as maths or reading. If they get the ball rolling you can follow it up with play dates etc but it would be very hard for you to solve this without their help.

I agree with you - I'm gonna ask the school again whether they can support us as she defo wants to engage. We had a great day today, she played alongside another child who's autistic - the child found her funny! 😂

Hi all

Thanks loads for your advice. After wallowing for a bit, I got a little plan together

I took my daughter to this stay and play session, put on by the council, for autistic kids. Dd played with another child! Shes still a bit full on, she was playing with the girls hair and putting her face up to the little girls, but they got along and the girl found her funny! I feel so elated I could cry.

I was bullied very badly at school and had no friends. Even now, I'm completely alone again. But I'm no longer a kid.

So I've vowed not to put my toxic shit onto my daughter. She's great and fitted right in at the play session.

The play sessions have ended as she's back to school next week but I'm gonna keep in touch. Plus I'm gonna speak to her teacher again about what we can do.

Thanks to all of you, just a little update ❤️

Lovely update, she just needs to find her clan.