How am I supposed to get any sleep at all?

[HereIgoagainonmyown237]

My 5 week old baby was born a bit prem (36 weeks), so I’m obviously terrified about SIDS and so am taking all the safe sleep precautions.

Here’s the issue though - she will not sleep on a flat surface for more than 20 mins. She will sleep happily in a moving pram or on my chest.

I’m beyond exhausted. How am I supposed to get any sleep at all, given I’m not meant to sleep with her on me?

What does she do when she doesn't sleep? Have you tried swaddling her.

Argh my first was like this (although overdue). I did all the tricks and swaddling really, really worked for us. I also eventually found I could slide her onto a warmed up a blanket that “smells like mum” and she only needed her arms swaddled so I would just tuck a stretchy knitted blanket round her to stop her startling. It was torture, the lack of sleep.

I remember my MiL telling me the baby was spoiled and I should just put her in a cot and let her cry herself to sleep. I said I couldn’t bring myself to do it so she said not to worry, she would. It just made my baby so angry - she cried until she was barely breathing and at that point I couldn’t handle the distress she was in and I called a stop to the experiment! I can’t work out if my dd just loved being close to me because of the milk/warmth/comfort or if I somehow inadvertently trained her to or if she had silent reflux … or all three. Anyway it was really hard and I sympathise but it DOES get better soon.

Will she sleep on her father? It's not uncommon to need to sleep in shifts in the early days (painful, but not uncommon).

Do shifts. That's what we did in the newborn days. It sucked but at least everyone got some sleep.

It's so hard. I think people just survive however they can at this point, take all the help you can get and do what you have to do. It'll pass but I know it doesn't feel like it.

Do you have a partner? Dh and I did the night in turns for the first few weeks. One of us took them (sitting up holding them, having them in a sling) for the first half of the night, say 7pm-1am and the other did the 2nd half of the night 1am-6am or whatever. It meant we each got a long stretch of sleep that was mostly unbroken (except for feeds for me). All babies will eventually sleep lying down, but for those first few weeks, it's literally just about getting any sleep at all however you can manage it.

I would also sleep a lot during the day when dh was around. So on weekends, I basically fed the baby and then went back to bed all day and slept. You can do housework and see friends and go out for lunch for the rest of your life. In the short term, sleep is more important than anything.

I watched entire seasons of game of thrones while sitting on the sofa & rocking my newborn in a pram for hours on end through the night. She did settle into the crib at about 10 weeks I think. We played lullabies or white noise which seemed to help a bit.

Also as pp says definitely do shifts.

Swaddle, dummy, very loud white noise

Yep we did shifts too.

We used the Owlet sock.

I cannot recommend this enough to any new parent. It saved my sanity.

https://www.kiddies-kingdom.com/monitors/46948-owlet-monitor-duo-smart-sock-3-cam-mint.html?sv_tax1=googleads&utm_campaign=PMax+%7C+Winter+Sales+%7C+High+Value+%7C+8%&sv_tax3=MixedHP&utm_term=&sv_cost=21059698293&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw7-SvBhB6EiwAwYdCAYXzuW2PxpsbavZQyP7z9Pm_GUQE4UFJ1UexEC5g_jPpHVbWoOyTVBoCQ7MQAvD_BwE

Please look at the happy co sleeper page (FB or IG) which has advice on chest sleeping and the safe sleep seven rules. You may not want to co sleep but this will allow you to make your sleep space as safe as possible in the event you do fall asleep! Most co sleeping deaths are when safe sleep rules aren't followed or when care givers fall asleep accidentally trying to avoid co sleeping in an unsafe sleep environment. Hope you get some rest soon 💝

If baby is now a good weight I would bed share, taking every precaution. Let baby sleep on Dad so you can get some rest, as long as you can be sure he won't fall asleep with baby

Is your pram carrycot suitable for overnight sleep? Put it in your bedroom with a Rockit for motion, it turns off after an hour but that should get baby through to the second sleep cycle and after that they should hopefully sleep until needing their next feed. Just a thought if a moving pram works during the day!

Other than that- swaddle, dummy, white noise and do shifts with DH.

I propped myself up on a cushion with cushions either side and the baby on my chest with wedges either side. That’s how I slept in the early weeks, but I was an extremely light sleeper.

My daughter was like this. She was 10 months before she would sleep on a flat surface - severe silent reflux. She's 3y now and sleeps on 3-4 pillows and when it's really bad she's back in my arms with me sat upright with her.

I really didn't want to cosleep because of my medication but when there was a strong risk of accidental cosleeping due to me falling asleep from exhaustion and my mental health was already going wonky and I had a high risk of post partum pyschosis I made the decision to safely cosleep/bedshare. We did it until 2 but after 10 months she started the night in her cot. It wasn't ideal at times but it enabled me to get sleep. We did it in a double bed with a fold up side on her side and me blocking the other side my partner slept in the spare room.

At 10 months I went into a mother and baby unit where it wasn't permitted but only because they had single beds with plastic anti-tear bedding which could cause oversleeping. They were generally pro-safe cosleeping for maternal wellbeing

Maybe a swaddle. I bought a Velcro and zip one online, I didn't trust my swaddling skills and was terrified of the blanket opening in the night. It was a god send, she seemed to associate the swaddle with sleep time quite quickly.

Car noises on Spotify kept my DD asleep once we'd transferred her from the car and into the house.

Maybe do shifts with your partner so you can get some solid hours in a row.

My DD fell asleep on me after feeding her. I'd make sure that I was almost hovering over the cot as we were finishing the feed to transfer her in. Easier said than done though.

It will definitely get better with time, you are probably in the worst patch sleep wise and there is light at the end of the tunnel. All the best

Second the swaddle that pp have mentioned. We bought velcro ones online and used them for ages!

I was going to suggest the rockitt to , my baby really likes it!

Really loud white or brown noise, put your phone on 3/4 volume with it blasting out. Remember it’s noisy in the womb, about 80db or something.

DH and I also took shifts holding DS2.

I would go to bed with DD at 7.30ish. I'd sleep sleep until 11 or 12 while DH had DS2 in the stretchy wrap. Then I'd take over and have DS2 until 6am, DH would take him again until 8am.

DS2 had reflux and CMPA. Once we started treating these he gradually improved.

It is so hard OP, I really feel for you. At this stage take any opportunity you can to sleep day or night.

Not sleeping Is the worse. My partner and I also did shifts.

Next to Me slightly tilted? White noise.

We were told to Keep your dressing gown in it during the day apparently scent transfers across and helps settle baby at night. My son was also premature,we used the owlet sock too.

Oh God, I remember these days.

First, take a deep breath and reassure yourself that the is NOT your fault. Ignore anyone who tells you you've created a clingy baby. Two of my 4 have done this. One was preemie, and the nurses in SCBU told me (on day 3, tearful with hormones) that the wonderful thing of a preemie baby was that the nurses could get them in a routine while they were still too tiny to know different, so you'd go home with a baby on a 3 hour feeding schedule that didn't need to be held/rocked to sleep and was used to sleeping flat on their backs..... well within a week the nurses all looked ragged as one of my boys would scream all night unless held so they could either have him in his incubator screaming, setting off all the alarms because his heart rate and blood pressure was rising, or they could wrap him up and pace with him all night...

Two of my 4 were like this. It's nothing that you've done or haven't done. The downside is, there's no quick fix. You have to ride it out. Survival mode time!

My suggestions:

Get a decent Velcro swaddle as others have suggested. Swaddle them, then feed and cuddle to sleep. Wait until last first sleep cycle (20 mins in your case from the sounds of it) before attempting put down.

When putting down, lie them next to you and have a snooze. Some babies need to Feel the warmth of your body. Also start using loud white noise, perhaps a heart beat or similar.

Use the swaddle for all naps too to build up the sleep association. So swaddle, feed, pop into pram for walk.

Do you use a dummy? Life saver for my worst sleeper. Some babies need a lot of help to connect sleep cycles. I used to put the dummy in after feeding (always in swaddle) and then cuddle or pop into pram. It took a couple of weeks but was AMAZING after that.

Take shifts. If DH has to work, you can't expect him to be up all night. But he can give you a 4 hour block at some point e.g. if your good at going to bed early he could do 8pm-midnight. Its amazing what a difference 4 hours makes. Also ask for help during the day. As baby sleeps in the pram, ask someone else to take them for a long walk so you can have a 2hr nap. Sleep is essential, housework isn't - it'll still be there in a few weeks! You can survive with 4hr at night and a nap in the day plus whatever else you can manage.

They will grow out of this. It's just about surviving in the meantime. Building up other sleep associations will help it pass more quickly.

Are you with the dad, living together? If so you equally take it in turns