Dd9 disclosed another child touched her inappropriately.. any advice?

[premadonna8]

I feel stupid having to ask this.. I live abroad and have few mum friends, never really have as I had dd quite young. Not close to my family, who live on another continent.

Last night dd9 was very upset and pulled me into her room to tell me something. She was really worried I’d be angry and she wanted me to swear I’d never tell anyone ever, not even her stepdad who has been in her life since she was tiny and she has a good r’ship with for the most part.

Turns out that last year, another boy in her wider friendship group asked her to kiss him in his bedroom on a play date at his, and then on 2 other occasions touched her under her knickers and asked her to touch him. She was upset talking about it and said she felt she couldn’t say no and that she didn’t like it. She used to be good friends with this boy but this stopped abruptly last year and I didn’t quite get why, but now I know it was because of this. A few months later he ring-led a gang of boys to tackle her and pin her against the fence at playtime and stole her shoes, which I was made aware of and there was a disciplinary incident at school as it was physical bullying. He’s in her class this year and sits at the next table and I think she’s feeling threatened and that’s why she’s told me about this. She asked if I could delete his parents number, like that could make him go away.

I feel completely sick about this. She’s been carrying around this horrible secret and I don’t want to betray her trust, but I don’t think I can keep this to myself, right? They were 8 at the time.. it’s not jsut normal child exploring behaviour is if? I’m sorry if I sound naive, I had quite a messed up childhood myself so literally no idea how to approach this without breaking her trust. Do I approach the boys parents and/or the school?

any advice very much appreciated.

Report it to the school they need to know this

Do not contact the parents

Leave it up to the school

Do not approach his parents - children displaying this kind of behaviour are often being abused themselves. Talk to the school, let your Dd know she has nothing to be ashamed of and see if you can get some professional advice. You could call NSPCC?

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So, having looked on various websites they back up my feeling, that while this is of course undesirable behaviour, it is age appropriate curiosity , falling under the green light as they are close friends ds of the same age snd there was no force.see atrachment.
As it was do long ago and in the bounds of normal childhood curiosity, I we old mot take it further.But you found remind your ddbof the od n ts rule

But he took it further by getting a gang to take her shoes. This very frightening in my view as you don’t stand a chance against a gang and they could (though I agree it is unlikely) do the same or worse in the future. No wonder she is anxious.
Also it sounds like he knew she didn’t really want the touching so imv it’s not innocent play.

Instinctively this seems bad, but on the other hand this still seems within the realms of normal exploration (as mentioned by @ilovebreadsauce ). I know I was subject to this and lots of friends were. I am not excusing the ganging up OR the touching, just that it is very possible that the boy is NOT abused himself and that he is just exploring. Kids often haven’t learnt consent yet and also think in a very solipsistic way, so ‚I wouldn’t mind therefore no one would mind‘.

I just don’t want you to go down the line of assuming he’s abused. As that could be catastrophic.

Neverthless your priority must be your daughter so I would tell the school and do whatever it takes to remove her from this situation. If the school don’t step up then do take it to the parents

Former social services professional here - this is sexual abuse. That the perpetrator is also a child doesn’t remove the damaging impact upon your daughter.

It sounds like he put pressure on your daughter, especially after hearing your description about the physical bullying which followed . So it wasn’t two curious kids exploring each other and then your daughter feeling regret about it later. It sounds like she felt she didn’t have much of a choice.

She’ll likely be feeling very powerless at the moment. Keep talking to her, look into activities she might enjoy and find empowering.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine but it was arguably worse as it was her cousin so her family minimised it. By the time she was in her tween years (11ish) she was massively promiscuous and remained so until her late 20s when she rejected men sexually altogether (is now living abroad with a female partner). You could see she was very troubled by it and carried a lot of shame.

Please continue to take this very seriously. Don’t contact the parents. Go to the school or any other authorities/charities available in your countries.

I’d suggest if the school doesn’t adequately deal with it you contact the police or social services so they can at least look into the family situation since it did happen when your child was at their house.

A friend of mine whose child was abused by a fellow teen receiving counselling which really helped her , but I understand counselling might not be something your daughter wants at this stage. It may be useful later though.

There is a lack of literature on peer sexual abuse but there is a section in this Australian government paper I just found https://cspm.csyw.qld.gov.au/practice-kits/child-sexual-abuse/working-with-children-who-display-sexually-reactiv/seeing-and-understanding/when-a-child-is-sexually-abused-by-another-child-o

I agree with above don't minimise the effect it might have on DD - perhaps ask social services for advice re counselling. I was affected by similar as a child. Keeping it quiet as if a shameful event probably will make her feel worse, and on into the future. Letting her talk to an experienced counsellor might be the best thing but I'm not an expert.
I would inform the school and not minimise - if it were me I would mention the police so that the school take it seriously. They might prefer to brush it under the carpet as it's a difficult situation.

Firstly - it’s really, really good that your daughter has told you. That must have taken a lot of courage.

You need to talk the school - this is serious. It’s not just children ‘experimenting’ or whatever. It is sexual assault. The school should will be able to support you and your daughter too.

The NSPCC pants campaign is brilliant. This might help your daughter (as well as you)
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

This page has links to how to support your child.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/sex-relationships/healthy-relationships/

Your daughter is lucky to have a mum she trusts to talk too.

The abuse needs addressing first. The others child motive is addressed later.

I would tell the school but I would discuss it with DD first to check she is ok with the school knowing about it

Is there another class that DD could move to or would you prefer to ask for the boy to be moved class?

What reason would be given to the other children in the classes if a child suddenly swaps classes as it could unsettle the rest of the classes thinking it could happen to them if no reason is given

I am trying to think what outcome you want to happen before talking to the school - so try to think of the desired end decision beforehand

This happened to me and I have torn myself into pieces over what to call it. To him it might have been experimental. To him it might not have been about power and abuse. I have found it difficult to put intent on him if it is not justified. I have found peace by ignoring him and his motives. As a result of his actions I felt violated. I felt abused. His actions were abusive even if that wasn't his intent and that's my narrative.

The absolute most important thing here is your daughters narrative. She was put in a position she didn't want to be in by another child. The other child's intent is irrelevant both children in a "game" get a choice. If another child forced another child to engage in any game it would be wrong and bullying to force another child into a sexual game is no different. It is wrong full stop. From the other perspective that boy needs to know now that forcing another person to engage in physical or sexual contact is wrong before he turns into a teenager or young adult who still sees a woman's body as his property for his own gratification.

I think it would be worth reaching out to the school and an organisation like the nspcc to get support for your daughter and to get distance between her and a child inflicting abuse.

Thanks so much for all of this considered advice. I have a meeting with the school today and my objective is to have her moved class (or ideally the other child moved as she loves that class.) I will see what happens, we are not in The U.K. so safeguarding procedures seem less transparent.