1 year old has nearly cried for an entire year!

[s0losunflower]

I really don't know where to begin. I have struggled immensely with my nearly 1 year old since he was born. He has been incredibly unsettled from the very start, pre six months I took him to see different doctors, we even had an overnight stay because the paediatrician agreed that DS was distressed. All the usual things - allergies, reflux - have been ruled out. The consensus is that DS is healthy. For the first 6 months of his life I spent all day walking him round in a baby carrier and lots of the night driving around to stop the crying. I sometimes wonder if I'm going insane because he cries so much. We've been going to playgroup for nearly 6 months now, and apart from one occasion, he sits and cries. He is 1 in two weeks and today he sat and chewed on his comforter crying for pretty much the whole session. We attend with another baby girl who's the same age and their behaviour/development is like day and night. I ask myself what I've done wrong. I'm convinced something 'isn't right'. I've been back to work a few weeks and DS will not settle at nursery. The nursery ring me most days to have him collected due to being unsettled or illness. I'm beyond stressed and don't know what to do. I feel like I have no choice but to give up work and try again in another year, but I'm a single parent struggling with a mortgage. What do I do in this situation? Father has no involvement and I have very minimal family support. I have left a message for the HV to call me tomorrow, although she has told me that assessments can't be done until 18 months. No suitable childminders in the area. I feel embarrassed, I'm not the same person anyone, I'm low and negative.

Oh your post is give it me horrendous flashbacks back to DS2.

He never stopped crying and he didn't sleep. He didn't actually sleep a full night until he was 7.

All my friends who thought they were "baby's whisperers" threw their hands up in despair after a few hours with him.

He cried in the car, he cried in the bath he just seemed to spend his first 2 years crying and not sleeping. Only thing that would soothe him was pushing him around in his push chair.

We tried EVERYTHING, from cranial massage to a tot in his bottle. Nothing worked.

He's now an amazing 18 year old whom I suspect is slightly ND. But my god those years of crying.

Sorry OP no help at all, but just wanted to give you my sympathy. And remember it's not your parenting skills.

I never found out why he cried so much. Hopefully you'll get an answer soon.

You have my total sympathy, that sounds so hard for you both. If nursery is too much for him, would a childminder or even a nanny be an option? Having someone care for him in his own home might be better, though I appreciate it will be more expensive.

Whoops sorry! Maybe I shouldn't have shared my story! I just feel for you.

People don't understand "Give him to me, he'll soon stop crying" "He's feeling your stress"

No no no. He's a crier. For some reason. And we never found out why. Poor wee thing.

In terms of childcare, you need a nanny. Is that a possibility?

Is he actually properly crying or just grizzling? If it's grizzling it's fine to leave him, particularly if it's grizzling that stops as soon as he's doing something more fun!

Also, if he doesn't like baby group and is overwhelmed by big groups, stop taking him!

We knew a family with a crier. Constantly wanted to be held and carried. Later discovered she had arthritis from birth. Do keep trying to find out if there is a reason. Even if it’s just one of those things, maybe it will make you feel better to be trying to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully a decent run at nursery will help, but perhaps a childminder would be a more helpful environment?

Honestly, despite all of that he was amazing. I poo poo’ed people at the time because I thought it was big headed. But I think a lot of it was he was very very smart. He has always needed to be busy and involved. He needed constant attention to keep him motivated. He knows literally anything, always has. Yes he’s academically smart but his general knowledge is off the scale in terms of what he knows because his brain has always had to be busy

the other thing was he had to be in a routine to manage the crying and I had to be absolutely rigid about him sleeping in his cot or else he was a nightmare. As he got older he had to eat enough and run around enough or he was impossible.

I promise he’s neurotypical, although reading this it doesn’t sound like it, he was just a boy who didn’t like being a baby and whose brain was ahead of his body I think

Likewise, did he have a traumatic birth? Mine eldest did and cranial osteopathy was very helpful

Tough for you both.
I am a qualified nanny and it could work for him to have 1-1 actually.
Maybe contact a few agencies and see what the costs involved are.
Start writing a chart of the costs and weigh it all up.

Nursery settings are germ breeding places that's for sure although they have many other positive factors.

For now I definitely think him being at home while you work will relax you both.
Also, a nanny who is experienced will work on the separation issues ( I mean this in a kind way)

It will be easier for someone emotionally detached to set boundaries.

Are there any vitamins your baby could have to give him a foot up?

Best wishes, hope things improve soon.

If baby feels stressed in noisy environments,I wouldn't worry about attending those for now. Drop the groups.

Do outdoor things like parks /ponds/ shops/ zoo/nature walks with something to see.
It is possible, even in winter, and it will help you to be outside.

This sounds incredibly difficult. I have a tricky 1yo too (had colic, reflux, issues eating solids etc) and she did not settle into nursery. We've now got a very experienced nanny which has been a god send. I'm still working from home as she needs me to BF and put her down for the afternoon nap. It's really expensive but is allowing me to go back to work with less stress. We aim to put dd back in nursery at 2yo, and with free hours hope to be spending far less then!
Anyway, sounds like different difficulties to your son but I thought maybe a nanny for 6 months or so? If they're really experienced they might help to pinpoint the issues.

Will be expensive but better than giving up work all together.

How were allergies and reflux ruled out? I only mention it as they were both the reasons my daughter has been unhappy for the first 18 months of life and still causes her issues aged 3.

She has delayed allergies and at the time of diagnosis her symptoms were ambiguous. She was nearly 5 months when she was diagnosed in paeds and the paediatrician said it was very unlikely that she was reacting to anything I was eating but at this point I was desperate so he said it was worth trialling removing dairy and soya from my diet. A year later we had identified 20 foods she was allergic too!
She also has severe silent reflux. Omperazole on its own did nothing. She needed the highest dose of omperazole plus gaviscon plus domperidone to see and improvement and this still doesn't always fully control it. She's 3 now and under 2 paediatricians for her reflux as the general paediatrician had reached his limit of expertise and is on 40mg of omperazole a day and can still have nights where she awake all night with reflux due to a slightly snotty nose tipping her over the edge of what her medical can control. Symptoms not improving with reflux meds doesn't mean that it's not reflux it means the meds didn't help

Before she was diagnosed with food allergies had her reflux properly medicated I had 8-10 GP appointments, 3 feeding assessments with the infant feeding, 4 midwife appointments and a trip to paeds!

This sounds exactly the same as my 5yo who was also a crier and is still a very intense and emotional personality. But absolutely amazing and everyone loves her!

Huge sympathy, OP. My youngest was a crier, she also didn't sleep for more than 20 mins at a time for the first 18 months, and wanted to be held constantly. It DID get better, slowly, and she settled well with a childminder rather than nursery (though was fine at nursery when she was older).

You mentioned autism: my youngest has just been diagnosed with high-functioning ASD at the age of 13. (She is a brilliant and beautiful child, btw, does well at school, has lots of friends, but it does explain why she was such a soul-destroying nightmare as a baby. I really do sympathise, it's exhausting but you haven't done anything wrong. In fact you sound like an amazing mum.)

In terms of childcare, a childminder or smaller setting might work better?

Just coming in to offer support. It is tough... which you know. The 'babies cry' answer is so difficult to hear when you KNOW that your baby cries more than other babies. It is lovely that he enjoys being carried and that he sleeps well. Definitely look into other carriers - Ergo baby was great for my son. Food intolerances were a big issue for him but he didn't sleep, so I would not be 100% sure it is the case for your son. (fine also had over production of mucus and terrible bowels). Is there any chance you could afford a nanny rather than nursery - it would get over the 'can't go to nursery when sick' as well as give him one to one care. Osteopathy is worth trying - they will be able to tell you if there is tension in his body. https://www.occ.uk.com/where-we-treat/. I saw every quack in the land and am now a quack myself... if you want to consider homeopathy, I can give you details of a student clinic that works remotely.. or if you happen be anywhere near N1, you could attend student clinic in person. If you do this, you should also ask for support and treatment for yourself, heal the mother, heal the family, yours is not an easy journey to motherhood! Big big hugs to you and to your son.

Solidarity op. My youngest was like this and tbh it drove me to the edge. She cried inconsolably from the day she was born. We tried a cranial osteopath but it was no good. We worked out fairly quickly that she was allergic to dairy so I cut that out of my diet as I was breastfeeding, and it helped a little, but she was still never happy. She screamed in the car, in the pram, everywhere. She was only happy being held but wouldn’t tolerate being in the sling so I just had to have her in the pram screaming when we went anywhere. She wasn’t put down for the first year, I wish I was joking. She was briefly happy in the Jumperoo but not really. Our eldest ds has autism and I mentioned this to the consultant we were referred to for her milk allergy, when she was about 18 months old. We were taken into hospital for observation but we left in the early hours of the morning as her screams were keeping all the other children awake. I was made to feel neurotic. Dd is almost 5 now and her teacher has told me she also thinks she has autism. Her difficulties are mainly sensory at the moment and seeing the awful problems she has with clothes, smells, and being touched, I think being a baby must have just been unbearable for her, hence all the screaming. I don’t know what to suggest to you other than looking after yourself. Dd is our 4th and hit us like a tonne of bricks, unless you’ve had a child like this you can’t understand. Please do reach out to your GP or health visitor. And you haven’t done anything wrong, please don’t think that x the stress a crying baby puts on you is indescribable. I have hearing loss and anxiety still from the experience, if I hear a baby crying when I'm out and about I just want to get as far away from them as I can.

My eldest was like this, he did get better over time. The birth was difficult - forceps were needed and he was bruised from them. I still wonder if that was the cause, he was never happy and now he is an adult I strongly suspect he has a personality disorder. My only suggestion is to employ a nanny or give up work and apply for PIP - he is definitely harder to care for than a typical one year old. It’s worth a try.

I was thinking the same thing as sounds like my youngest as a baby. He has a cows milk allergy. When he went onto the milk allergy he became very miserable again. When having no milk he js a delightful happy little boy. Could you try an elimination diet with the advice of your gp or a dietician?

Ugh, DD was the same. It's so hard, OP.

DD hated baby groups more than anything, and we didn't do nursery for that reason, we went to a childminder instead. Each new thing she learned, the easier she got. Walking and talking made a big difference, she was a joy from about 18 months.

Hey, I wanted to offer my solidarity and check if things have improved at all. I hope your baby had settled down and that you found a solution with work!