16 yo Son struggling with friendships

[naptime]

My 16yo DS has very few friends and is quite isolated and I feel worried about him. He has always been shy. He is ok at school and hangs around with boys he's been friendly with from the start of year 7. They rarely see each other outside of school and I'm not sure how true these friendships are. Some of the boys from the larger group are super confident and have definitely dropped him - I've heard they are all going to parties and so on. Yesterday we met up with some family friends and my DS barely spoke a word to the teenage boys. When I ask him about it he says it was fine. I'm not sure he sees all the social cues - I think they find him quite awkward.
He academically is fine and hard working. I just worry so much and find it difficult when he spends alot of time on his own at the weekends and am dreading the longer holidays. Does anyone have any advice if you've been though something similar?
(I have a younger DD and she is the total opposite.)

My son was very reliant on his friendships with children from primary who'd gone up to year 7 with him, never branched out beyond that and had very few close friends. For his birthday last year he did something with some children who I knew had busy social lives that didn't include him and I felt like you OP. This year he joined a Saturday class doing something he was really interested in and over time has developed a really close group of new (non school) friends. Is there any kind of club he could join?

Absolutely out of school activities/hobbies/groups. Great for anyone who doesn't have great social confidence as the focus is on the activity, allowing friendship to develop slowly alongside. And if it doesn't it's still social activity and good experience.

My son is exactly the same. 16 too. He’s also joined a Saturday club doing something he’s very much into but still hasn’t formed any friendships. My son doesn’t like crowds and I think is quite young in his ways for a 16 year old. Is there a way maybe we could put them in touch without it being awkward for them? But even then it’d be up to them to keep in touch and this is where my son feels awkward making first moves etc or meeting up. I worry about him too. He starts college in September and I’m hoping he’ll meet some friends then as they’ll have the course and that interest in common at least.

Thank you for your replies - he is in a cricket club outside school which enjoys and is friendly with 1 of the boys there, but it is mainly in the summer. They haven't met up outside of the club. Out of interest what kind of clubs/groups did your kids join? I'd be keen to find something else to suggest to him!

Whereabouts are you based?

My son did an arts based course. National Saturday Club has lots of you're near a city.

I would suggest some kind of summer job in the holidays - it really builds confidence, keeps them busy. Also going to the gym and a bit of extra cricket.

I never heard of these but I just looked them up and they look AMAZING. I am seething with envy that they didn't exist in my time.

My DS was always a confident kid but he joined air cadets when he was 16 as the football team he was in dissolved after 10 years. That was older to start as many start at 13 but he absolutely loved it. He has remained close friends with many of the lads and lasses. I will say all of them were very respectful polite young people. He did gold DofE and lots of courses, he actually saved someone’s life who was choking when he was 19. He had done an in depth first aid course.

I do think it's really important not to be put off by one club or activity not leading to any friendships. It's still really good socialising experience. Keep going (if it's enjoyable) and join another activity (or part time job as a pp said).

I think the kids that find their passion early in sport, music or whatever are the lucky ones as they have a ready made community. So you're trying to make that more likely to happen by starting a few things. They may not end up as a passion, but it at least gives perspective to school friendship issues, which otherwise can seem overwhelming.

Thanks everyone. I had been thinking a part time job would be a good idea. The Saturday club looks fantastic I will check it out locally. Gym and more cricket things will be his thing and possibly cadets too. I will see what he says and hopefully things will flow. Painful being a parent sometimes!

I feel sad thinking other kids don't like my DS. I think he is as he is shy it puts people off... and he definitely would wait for others to make the first move...

I feel much the same OP about my 15 year old DS

He has a group of "friends" at school, but they rarely meet up outside of school. He tried to get in with another group last summer, again they hang out at school but very little outside.

He could easily go an entire school holiday without seeing anyone

I think it's not that unusual age 16.

If he's planning to stay in education he may well get the opportunity to make new friendships then.

One of the issues at 16 is friendship groups are almost 'closed' in the sense that there's no incentive for kids that age to make new friends if they are settled and happy. They are just in a rut almost where the status quo is safe and there's nothing to be really gain by anyone else. They all know it's all change in 2 years time anyway.

It's only when they are all tipped into a new environment that they are all open minded to the idea of new friends.

It sucks if you are one of those who finds they've grown apart from a group before then.

I think 16, 17 and 18 is rough for many cos of this. It's about maturity and being ready to leave home and kids reaching that point at different times.

My ds is 18 and is like this but just lately has joined a gym with a couple of other kids from school. I think having an activity to do rather than 'socialising' which is a bit unstructured suits him better. He will also be strongly encouraged to get a job or do voluntary work this summer. I think that'll definitely help with confidence. My ds does game and seems to have a laugh with the people he plays with but he doesn't go to parties or have a girlfriend like some of his cohort.

Is there a youth cricket club that he could help out in the holidays or a sports club?

My DS is just turned 17 and he has ASD although is very high functioning so his consultant said it wasn't worth pursuing a full diagnosis. He very rarely ever goes out anywhere. I think in the past year he has been to the beach on the train with a group of friends and once to a pub quiz. He came home early from his year 11 prom as it was too noisy!
I think with my DS he just is not bothered about hanging out socially. I hope when he goes to uni he will find some like minded people who want to look at maps, do quizzes and not talk!!

I have an insular 17 year old who only socialises online :( we were hoping college would be the turning point but it hasn’t panned out that way. We are very worried :(
can’t offer any advice really, but following for tips! The clubs thing is a great shout, I feel if my son had something like that that interested him locally, things might be a bit fmdofferent.

I'm wondering whether he plays games online? Most of them do and he might be open to suggesting that to his school friends so they would be in touch outside school, even if they don't physically meet up. I would only suggest that alongside the real life stuff, but there is no doubt gaming forms a bond among otherwise monosyllabic boys.

My very shy DS2 started to make friends in 6th form. Until then, it was very hard and like your DS, along with shyness/social anxiety, he just didn't pick up on the cues which didn't help. Looking back I see there were people who tried to befriend him but he didn't get it.

What changed for him was getting really into his interests. Once you meet like-minded people and start chatting about your passions, the shyness fades a bit.

Does your son like music or play any instruments? Could he join a band, orchestra or choir?
Would he join a drama club - either to act or as tech or set building? In school or a youth theatre outside school?
Does he like outdoor activities - scouts, sea scouts, climbing club?
Does he like art - making it or looking at it?
D&T - is there a school lunchtime workshop?
Does he have faith? Some church teen groups are very sociable with weekends away, trips bowling, to shows etc.

Yes he has been in and out of phases of gaming and it's been quite sociable online which was good in a way... at the moment he's in an out phase but I'll try talking to him about it.

Yes we've been through holidays like that 😌

Yes there are things he likes - music and sport. He's in some sports teams at school which is good. I will keep suggesting/looking for things that he enjoys. He doesn't always listen to my suggestions ha! I'm also trying not to show I'm worried about it, but it's hard.

I have considered the possibility that my DS has ASD... but his school has never mentioned it...
I think my DS is not always bothered about his lack of socialising although he does seem grumpy when he's been (I think) left out if some gatherings... he's not geat at talking about his feelings!

Don’t worry too much. Adolescence is much harder for quiet, introverted kids. The noisy, boisterous extroverts have a much easier time. But he’ll grow and change. My brother had a rough time as a teen and barely spoke. Today he’s a very confident, chatty adult.

We are in South East London. His Saturday club is a film club with the BFI. He loves film - is very into anything to do with behind the scenes.