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Original poster

Stepchildren bedroom

20 replies

Cammy85 · 14/03/2024 20:27

Hi,
I was hoping for some advice.
so me and my partner are looking at buying a house together (both contributing 50/50)
I have 2 children from my previous marriage (10 and 4) and he has 2 children from his (15 and 13) …no children together. I’m the primary carer for my children and they live with me and see their dad alternate weekends. So pretty much live with me. His children on the other hand do not see him very much. I have a set legal agreement but he does not with his ex. His 15 year old has chosen not to have a relationship with him so he has not seen him for 18 months and his 13 year old is heading the same way. This is no fault of my partners and unfortunately their mother and lack of parenting (that is a subject for another day) has bought them to that decision. We used to see the 13 year old a lot but since hitting teens, it’s been a rollercoaster. They haven’t stayed at our house for over 6 months now either and last time we saw the 13 year old was 4 months ago. Anyway .. we are looking at a 3 bedroom house and my partner wants my children (10 and 4) to share and have the other room as his children’s room so IF they ever want to stay, they can. I disagree with this and suggested that we buy a bed, with a pull out bed for IF they do come over/stay over, bunk beds in one room for if they stay over or a sofa bed etc. it’s caused a huge row and he’s accused me of pushing his children out his life completely and it got abit nasty. I have stuck by him throughout the rollercoaster ride and do everything in my power to help with his step children and to get them to have a relationship which so far has not happened. I said they are 1000% welcome at any time and that is always shown to his children. I txt them etc too and really try and keep a bond but they aren’t interested. I said if they suddenly started staying/came to live wit us or actually saw us more, then I’m all for making them a room but I don’t think my children should share with such a big gap on a IF they decide to start seeing him. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Josette77 · 14/03/2024 20:29

How long have you been together?

whosaidtha · 14/03/2024 20:35

I would feel unwelcome if my only option was a pull out bed. If there was a space for me that was mine I would be more likely to stay. If his relationship with his children is important to him you should be doing everything you can to facilitate that. Which includes providing a home in which they feel welcome and not an inconvenience. Buy a 4 bed house or don't move in together!

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/03/2024 20:38

I think you need a four bedroomed place. Anything else will only make the situation with his children worse, he cannot do that to them.

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13 year olds 15 year olds Families
Original poster
Cammy85 · 14/03/2024 20:47

Sorry, i don’t know how or if you can reply go comments individually. So hope this is ok… We have been together 3.5 years. We are buying a 3 bedroom as that is all we can afford. 4 bedrooms in our area are out of budget otherwise we would totally do that. If I could, I would get a 5 bedroom so each child had their own room but unfortunately we don’t have the money to do so.

OP posts:
NoTouch · 14/03/2024 20:49

I can understand why he doesn’t want to make to situation with his children worse than it already is. Moving somewhere where there is no room for them is a big message .

Both your priorities should be 1) your own children, 2) respecting the other person’s priority is their own children and they are equal to your priority

That means you need a bigger house or put off moving for now, what you are suggesting doesn’t fulfil 1) or 2).

NerrSnerr · 14/03/2024 20:50

I'd put off buying until you can buy a 4 bed. This would be the final nail in the coffin for his relationship with his kids.

yourlobster · 14/03/2024 20:54

Cammy85 · 14/03/2024 20:47

Sorry, i don’t know how or if you can reply go comments individually. So hope this is ok… We have been together 3.5 years. We are buying a 3 bedroom as that is all we can afford. 4 bedrooms in our area are out of budget otherwise we would totally do that. If I could, I would get a 5 bedroom so each child had their own room but unfortunately we don’t have the money to do so.

Then don't buy a house together. As others have said, it sends a huge message to those children that their father has moved on without them and they don't have a place in his home. It's a sure fire

yourlobster · 14/03/2024 20:54

Sorry... it's a sure fire way of ensuring they stay estranged.

tittybumbum · 14/03/2024 20:54

Buy something that needs going up a bit more or a little bit further out if your area and cheaper. Get 4 bedrooms. It crazy to have an empty room just in case. It's also crazy for your two to share if they don't have to. It's also not ideal to have no room for his dc

Scaffoldingisugly · 14/03/2024 20:58

Are his dd's or ds's? Presumably they have own rooms at their dm's? Not unreasonable to expect them to share...

Mum2jenny · 14/03/2024 20:58

I’d suggest waiting to buy a house until you see what your dps children want to do as you’re going to be damned whatever you do.

Original poster
Cammy85 · 14/03/2024 21:01

Ok Thankyou guys for answering. To be honest I think I haven’t really thought it through very well and I didn’t think about it through the eyes of his children. Which I must say has upset me for not thinking about it like it. I kept thinking about the empty room based on a IF. But hearing it from others, has made me realise how hasty I was and in the wrong I was. His children are important to me and I can see why he would want that now. Thankyou all again ☺️ sometimes you just need to hear it from outsiders to realise what a bonehead you are being xxx

OP posts:
Starbite · 14/03/2024 21:04

Your dh is right. There's always a possibility of them coming over. You cannot speculate that they are out of his life forever and by not having a room for them, you're making that statement for him. His anger at the situation, and his grief will be projected into you if you behave this way. Be practical. Keep the room as a guest room with boyish features . Don't you have guests ever anyway?

Scaffoldingisugly · 14/03/2024 21:04

Op my own dc don't have their own room and they are here 100% of the time....

Sanch1 · 14/03/2024 21:06

I think your plan is fine. My children don't have their own rooms at their dads! They share bunk beds with their step brother and are not in the least bit bothered. How lovely the perfect MN world is where everyone in a step family gets their own room. FFS some people don't live in the real world.

Sometimeswinning · 14/03/2024 21:07

Well I agree with you. If he was that interested he would be the one to suggest waiting. It’s crazy for a 10 and 4 year old to share when you have a spare room. All that is needed is a message to let them know you’re in the new house and they are always welcome.

Do your children have their own room now?

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 14/03/2024 21:09

I'd wait at least until the eldest was 18/ youngest 16 before considering not making a room available to them. I think that would be a fair compromise. Also, if your kids want the odd night to themselves, one could always go and relax in the other bed room until bed time if it is rarely used?

Not making a room available to then is the most sure fire way of their never being any overnight access again I would say.

scrivette · 14/03/2024 21:13

It's really difficult and I see both sides, although my DC share a room as we don't have enough bedrooms so it isn't always possible to give everyone their own rooms.

2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3 · 14/03/2024 21:30

I agree with your partner.

No way would I buy a house with someone, going 50/50 to be told my kids don’t get their own room to share. Regardless of how much they use it!

Ponderingwindow · 14/03/2024 21:36

You can’t afford to move in together if you can’t afford space for all your children. The children will see it as their father deciding they don’t belong in his home.

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