Feeling guilty about overtired baby

[Summysummy1991]

Hi ladies
just looking for some advice really …..
DD is 5 months tomorrow. She has always contact napped but has always required a lot of rocking to get her sleep - or pram walking.
the problem is she gets over tired - I know everyone will be thinking well as her mum why do you let her get overtired but honestly I have tried everything, which is as follows:

• watching wake window and trying to get down when window so coming to an end
• extending wake windows
• shortening wake windows
• watching sleep cues
• playtime during wake window
• only one toy during wake window to not overstimulate
• more than one toy during wake window to see if she prefers more stimulation
• using apps like huckleberry and napper
• dark room, white noise, rocking
• light room, background nose, rocking

(and then mix match of both, I.e dark room, noise, rocking, light room, white noise, rocking)

• laying in crib on her own
• Just sitting still with her no rocking

and to be honest I could probably go on and on. Any suggestion from internet, family, friends, I’ve tried.

the problem is no matter when I try or how hard I try she will fight the nap and just won’t fall asleep until she has a bit of a tantrum and wears herself out.

it honestly makes me feel like crap and also like a really bad mum as I should be able to get my child down to sleep without her getting over tired and I honestly can’t - even going for pram walks to get her to sleep has worn off tbh.

I spoke to the health visitor last week and she just said that there’s nothing I can do, babies will sleep when they want, you can only give them the environment to sleep in and if she cries respond to her. She also suggested trying to lay her down more in the day to learn how to self settle as at the moment she solely relies on me or DP for rocking to sleep. I’ve been doing this for a couple of days (not much tbh) but I think it makes the over tiredness worse in my opinion.

goneslty im at my wits end with the guilt i feel. I feel it every single day. I’m going to a wedding next month and tbh im dreading it as i know my day will just consist of rocking DD to sleep as she’ll be overstimulated with everything going on.

what am I doing wrong?

Not sure I have many clever tips you won't have tried, but I can offer some solidarity – DD2 was born with major FOMO, and getting her off to sleep has always been tricky. Keeping her asleep isn't easy either – even nursery have commented on what a light sleeper she is.

It does get better as they get older and need fewer naps, so you don't need to manage it as often!

If you breastfeed, ignore all the stuff about creating bad habits and feed to sleep. Breastfeeding is designed to make them sleepy, and if you have anti-sleep baby, you need all the help you can get! I still breastfeed DD2 to sleep for her nap, though I don't at bedtime, just to get over the FOMO. She can be sat up, loudly protesting 'no nap!', then sees the breast with lovely tempting milk, lies down, latches on, and zzzz minutes later.

You say you've tried lengthening wake windows, but that's definitely something I'd keep an eye on, both in case hers are longer than the books and websites say (both DD1 and DD2's were), and because they will of course get longer as she grows. Trying to get a baby with FOMO to sleep when they aren't tired enough is a recipe for misery.

@skkyelark thank you so much for your reply. Omg yes FOMO baby is exactly what she is. I’ve been calling her that no idea it was a thing lol.

sadly she has stopped feeding to sleep herself …. I would have loved it if she carried on, I wouldn’t have stopped it personally, it was the one thing I could rely on up until a few months ago!!

maybe I’ll give lengthening the wake windows another go! As you say when they’re a FOMO baby they do tend to keep themselves awake anyway so may as well try and see if lengthening helps!

Bumping to see if anyone else has tips ……

Hi I am no expert by any means as I also have 5 month old who isn’t the best napper. In my case it’s contact naps she wants but I find it very hard to do as i also have a toddler.

anyway have you tried sort of not making a nap an issue as such and just seeing if she dozed off in a sling? Sometimes I think when we rock them to sleep I’m not sure they are truly ready for sleep or if we are almost forcing them to sleep.
i equate it with sometimes on a long car journey I find myself dozing but I wasn’t tired before hand it’s just the motion did that. I’m not certain but with my daughter I’ve stopped rocking, I hold her and she sucks her thumb and soothes to sleep. I do try the laying down awake but it doesn’t work for all naps.
i found rocking always resulted in tears and then eventual sleep and I just concluded that’s how she slept until I decided I found it unsustainable and tried just holding and waiting for her to naturally fall asleep.

i then did that for a few days and sort of readjusted wake times accordingly. It’s still not perfect but it’s much better!

Have you tried just leaving her to cry for a bit? If no matter what you do she always has a little cry and then falls asleep she may just be a baby who needs a grumble before she sleeps. It may be all the rocking and interaction that's keeping her up.

I have had other baby sleep issues (looking at you DD1) and my top tip is….

….. forget about tips.

Really. Babies change so often, and there are no magic formula that work for any of them. I bet you that trying to get her to sleep and worrying about over tiredness is more stressful for you than the overtiredness itself.

I’d totally give up on managing naps for a few days. Give yourself a break. She WILL fall asleep at some point, even if it’s not when, where or how you expect or want her to.

Deal with the symptoms of overtiredness rather than the cause for a bit (so for instance, if she’s cranky take her out for a change or scene, or give her to DH so you get a break).

I bet after a few days of changing it up you will feel better, and might have learned some useful things about what works for your baby (not the babies in books!).

You're not doing anything wrong!

When my Dd was this age I took to drawing clock faces and noting on them when she'd eaten pooped and slept, trying to find some rhyme or reason. Hours of my life spent rocking patting shushing...

My second baby just used to go to sleep on his own!!!!

Babys... Nightmare... It's not you! Just do your best and don't tie yourself up in knots worrying.

Couple of things, first of all. Babies can seem tired about the 1.5 hour mark but actually they aren't tired enough for sleep yet (depending on age) but if you push through and change scenery etc they can be totally fine for longer. Just saying that incase that's what you're experiencing.

Secondly, google little ones sleep schedule. I found it in the depths of sleep hell with my first and followed it religiously and it really helped me to know what to do and when. With my second I've followed it but more loosely as I have an older child too, I've found it's been good this time too. They are on insta and also online. Another good insta for baby sleep is taking Cara babies, it's less strict timings wise and I actually I found that suited me less, but it's still good and well reviewed. I lived little ones so much. It told me exactly what my baby needed and when and as a first time mum it saved my sanity.

5 month olds are chaos. My baby is nearly 9 months and I can safely say that 5 months was the worst time for him so far. Sleep at night was awful (split nights most nights) and naps were all contact or pram and he fought them all.
He now wakes 1/2 times a night and naps for up to 2 hours at a time twice a day. So it does get better! Some of it he grew out of, and some of it we helped with.
Things we did: started putting him in his cot for the first nap, and let him cry a little bit. It’s controversial but we did the Ferber method, he was left to cry for 10 mins max, and now he goes down awake in his cot for naps and bed time and settles himself.
Sticking to one nap and bedtime routine (sounds like the mixing and matching might be confusing?).
Feeding him a lot in the day time, he’s breastfed and I basically just kept offering him milk loads. Full tummy=good nap! It’s a hungry age just before weaning.

Have you looked at the possums approach to sleep?

Thanks ladies for all of your replies …. I actually didn’t want to reply too soon as I wanted to give it a few days. Took most of the advice in terms of just chilling and dealing with baby if overtired rather than trying too hard - actually has left me feeling much better. She still gets over tired and I do still feel guilty at times but I can’t force her to sleep so just rolling with it ….
thanks for those who mentioned about the wake windows and sleepy cues - I actually looked on the little ones website and read about the 2hr wake window for babies of this age - I’ve been following that and to be honest it’s made a difference - although I do still find that if I miss even one cue and she gets over tired it does have a knock on affect for the rest of the day.

hopefully she’ll soon learn that she can sleep and won’t miss out on anything…

again thank you everyone for your replies. Here’s to being more chilled and letting your baby rule the roost!

You are doing nothing wrong and I'm exhausted just reading that. Honestly, just stop and let your baby take the reins. You also might want to start bringing foods into her diet. It may help with sleep.