Daughter having difficulties with girls at school and on Social Media

[HertsDad39]

Hi everyone,

I hope you're well. Concerned Dad here for my 12 year old daughter who is in Year 8 of an all girls school.

My daughter was diagnosed with autism just over 2 years ago and to the outside world you'd think she was a neurotypical, happy go lucky girl on the verge of becoming a teenager. Her autism comes out at home in the form of meltdowns, anxiety and withdrawing to her room to recuperate, however during the last few months it's been like she's falling into a depression and really withdrawing.

At school my daughter is kind, friendly and doing well academically. She has a core group of friends (3 other girls) who got together during year 7 and were close-knit. At the start of year 8 a girl transferred to her form and another new girl joined from another school. As they had no friends my daughter decided to introduce them to her friendship group and helped them integrate. For a month or two this went well and everything was fine, the girls would go out together socially, sleep over etc...

Then, my daughter started to say she was worrying about 1 of them (the girl who has changed forms) based on re-posts on TikTok (eating disorder and self-harm content), so we told her to ask the girl if she was OK and if she wanted to talk, the girl denied posting anything and said she was fine and to leave her alone. Things settled for a few days and then another girl started to post similar things (the girl new to the school) and during school they stopped eating completely during lunch and had downloaded an app to track their 'not eating scores'. During lunch they would stare at the girls eating food, run off to the toilets and message each other, about the other girls (whilst they were all there). My daughter then asked them both again what was going on, are they OK? Why are they posting alarming content etc... (at this point we knew what was going on so managed to take screenshots of conversations and re-posts etc...). The girls denied everything and accused my daughter of spreading fake rumours, however at this point with all of the alarming content we alerted both girls' parents who were understandably shocked but extremely thankful. One of the mums called at length to thank us and said the messages between the two girls were extremely alarming and much worse than what was being posted online.

We praised our daughter for doing the right thing, however an element of her autism is seriously worrying about others. She has cried herself to sleep numerous nights and is filled with anxiety that something bad is going to happen to one of the girls. Mentally she is taking an absolute beating from this.

To make matters worse, the girls have started to tell the rest of the group that our daughter is spreading fake rumours, telling teachers about what goes on within their friendship group and getting parents to intervene to get them into trouble. To the rest of the group they deny everything (other girls have called them out on things too). This has led to some of the others questioning our daughter on why she went to us and why we told their parents. My daughter has continuously told everyone it's because she cares about them and didn't want anything to happen, but they seem to skip this and just focus on parents and school being involved.

Some of the messages my daughter gets from these girls who often single her out and accuse her of being a liar are really nasty and manipulative. These tend to be in group messages or at times direct messages. The group have kind of split away from these girls a little, but for some reason they seem to have a bit of a hold over them all. Since the initial call to one of the parents they have gone quiet. It's really disappointing as one of the mums installed an app to see every message, so she'll be seeing what's going on and nobody seems to intervene.

The school are really helpful, but can only go so far with friendship issues. After another barrage of messages last night (apparently the two girls can forgive everyone else, but not my daughter as she's the one who spread the rumours) we're thinking that removing her from these groups and blocking the girls on Snapchat would be our next step. My daughter is really worried about doing this as they'll then say she's rude and for some reason all of her actions get turned into something. Just wondering if anyone has similar experiences? Obviously we could go back to parents, but based on the lack of action from last time, will we just make it worse for our daughter? It's such a shame, my daughter welcome both girls into the group, made their life at school much easier and they end up turning on her.

We're open to the fact that maybe our daughter has done something wrong, or said something at school, but according to the messages we see and what her friends say, she has tried to be kind and respectful at all times. The other 3 girls are supportive, but have their moments when influenced, or when my daughter is not there. This has led to my daughter really withdrawing and not really seeing any positives in life, since all this kicked off she has missed 1/3 of school days. It's really sad.

Any advice or experience would be really appreciated.

Honestly your daughter has dodged a bullet here, these are not the actions of friends, the entire dynamic is toxic.
i would take away the phone and remove all social media, she is way too young anyways and autistic girls are especially vulnerable to their harms. I have a soon to be 14 year old, she knows that when she pays for her own phone with her earned money she can have what she wants but no insta, snapchat
or TikTok as long as I pay for it. If she really needs a phone get a brick one. You will pat yourself on the back in a few years time and don’t cave into the peer pressure. Autism
and eating disorders go hand in hand as autistics love black and white thinking, you need to get her out of this as soon as possible.

Hi OP, I think it’s a really hard situation and there isn’t really a right answer sadly.

Your daughter has obviously not done anything wrong, she did completely the right thing by raising this to the attention of her parents/their parents. The other girls will feel like she’s tattled on them to their parents and so they are going to be annoyed/upset. I do think at that age & especially with social media access, girls seem to pretend or genuinely think they are living a very grown up life and that their parents will never find out and that their parents never need to know. My youngest cousin is 13 and frequently is posting on tiktok about how she’s been out drinking/is hungover, she absolutely hadn’t been as she filmed the tiktok’s in my spare bedroom and the “cocktail” she was drinking was a mocktail I had made her myself🤣, when I told her I’d seen them she then deleted them all and blocked me as well as blocking the rest of the family. It’s a bit like that’s their “online” life, and they don’t want or appreciate their parents being involved in it. That doesn’t mean your child was wrong to report it of course, but it does mean they are going to be annoyed with her for “outing” them.

Mean girls are a real thing & at that age (to be honest at all ages from about 10 right up to 18) girls can be nasty. It may be worth your daughter trying to find herself some new friends at school if she can’t persevere because sadly they are at an age when parents involvement isn’t going to make any difference and even the school can’t make anyone be friends etc.

Girls can be so horrible and autism can make life unnecessarily hard. You say school are helpful so what have they suggested?

Would your daughter consider changing schools?

I think it's okay to take away her phone for a while here. It doesn't seem like it's doing her any good, and a part of her will probably be grateful.

They're all too young for Snapchat or TikTok, IMO, so as a start, I'd delete those. I bet only about half the girls in her class are allowed them anyway, if even. That's what it's like in my 13yo's class, which is why I can get away with banning them both for now. Tell her to blame you! It's easier than blocking certain people, which is harder for her to explain away convincingly - if she says Thanks for nothing, Toxic Girls - my Dad's gone mad and he's deleted EVERYTHING!! then these toxic girls might laugh at her for having strict parents that day, but it will blow over pretty fast. Lots of my dd's friends aren't allowed any apps like these and nobody bats an eye.

Definitely separate her from these girls in any way you can though - as the poster above says, body dysmorphia issues like anorexia (as well as gender identity) loom larger for girls with autism, so you need to be double vigilant, which it sounds like you are being. Removing TikTok and Snapchat should be part of that strategy too, really.

Forget these 2 girls and focus on others. There’ll be another big drama in a month or 2. Keep calm and carry on.

Thanks everyone, it's so hard as you always question whether or not you're doing the right thing. Thankfully my daughter is body confident and doesn't seem to be influenced by any of the ED or self-harm talk that has gone on. I'll be sure to keep a close eye on things though.

I agree with the girls trying to lead a different life online and feel that they've been tattled on. It's just a shame they don't realise what a true friend would have done exactly what my daughter did every time. We've been 50/50 with Snapchat and TikTok but I think taking steps to remove them is a positive one long-term, although we'll take a hit in the short-term.

The school provided a safe space for the 3 girls to go if the others are making them uncomfortable at lunch. They have also tried to run a few workshops around what being a 'good' friend actually is or is not. Helpful, but unfortunately the other girls are just oblivious to what they are doing and keep going down the same path.

We have thought about moving forms, or potentially schools, but it's a really good school academically and I feel like my daughter would be conceding and taking a hit, based on others actions when she hasn't done anything wrong. It's something we need to figure out though as her attendance and general wellbeing might sway us into a form move to begin with.

We thought this would be the case (it's been a few months of ongoing struggles), but they always seem to come back to my daughter spreading rumours and trying to get them into trouble. It's like they need someone to blame, rather than admit they have an issue or have done wrong.

It is a really hard one because your daughter isn’t in the wrong, but especially once you’re in comp it’s never going to be “cool” to run to your parents/school to tattle on your friends. It makes it an impossible situation for you as a parent because actually it is a situation kids have to work out between themselves, every step a parent or the school takes, like making “safe space” at school, is most likely only going to ostracise your daughter even more.

It does feel like an impossible situation. I really want to call these girls out and properly make people aware of what they've done. We have all the screenshots and messages that they deny and try to take the high-road on, but I know it will just make everything 100x worse. Logic and truth don't seem to matter too much at this age, it seems to be more about perception and coercion.

Feeling pretty powerless to be honest, which is horrible when your child is so sad and impacted. Even removing her from SM will ostracise her further and create paranoia as she thinks they'll just talk about her etc...

Can't lie - the anger builds daily, which isn't healthy on my front, but I'm the opposite to my daughter. I would happily confront, call out and put someone in their place. My daughter is too kind and passive, which maybe makes her a bit of a target within the group. So frustrating.

You’re absolutely right, being logical & honest doesn’t mean much to teen/preteen girls.

Honestly I think the best thing you can really do is try and teach your daughter how to deal with these situations and move past them, even if that means making new friends, rather than trying to actually tackle the girls themselves. The sad truth is that this almost definitely won’t be the last time this happens throughout her school career, she needs to learn how to cope with it because as much as you’d love to try, you can’t control the world, you can only control how you react to it.

It does seem to be a massive problem now especially with social media, I’m in my 20’s and there were “mean girls” when I was in school but now with tiktok, snapchat etc, it’s relentless and the behaviour isn’t just 9am-3pm mon-fri anymore, suddenly you’re contactable every hour of every day. I have 3 younger girls in the family who have had some kind of instance like yours in every school year, it’s really hard.

Thanks everyone. No idea if anyone is still following, however we took action re Snapchat and that stopped the constant messaging and bitchiness outside of school. Managed to get daughter into school and things are moving in the right direction as she continues to distance herself from some of the others.

Unfortunately they've now taken to spreading rumours - apparently she was off school due to rabies and they've also been telling anyone they can how much they hate her and listing all the reasons why.

Taken the decision to inform the school around the spreading of rumours and general nastiness, but have asked them not to confront the girls directly as this will definitely makes things worse for our daughter. We just want the school to try and separate them where possible and limit any potential interactions.

Heart-breaking as my daughter has been down in the dumps and struggling daily. Such a kind, pretty and timid girl - it's always the nice kids that end up in this position.

Strongly considering a change of form, but not sure.

Change form or change school?
Your daughter should be the main concern and please track what the school says they do and what is actually being sorted. Do you know other parents with older kids in the same school? Maybe they had the same issue in their year group and how it was handle.
Keep tracking and dates and maybe give your family a timeline before changing school, academic or not, your DC is missing lessons and not getting support which may/will impact her grades.
Your family is kind and the other girls are creating drama and being bullies.

You say these girls are spreading rumours - have you got written proof of this (ie messages of some sort)? My advice would be to keep a log of every nasty comment/message and go into school as soon as Easter is over with it. This is repetative behaviour now which is unlikley to stop with just ignoring/distancing herself. Nip it in the bud quickly.
The problem with moving form groups is the bullies feel they have won. It may have to be done if your daugher wants to move, but it may bring it's own issues.

No advice here but just to say you sound like an amazing dad, your family are lucky to have you.

They are bullying her so school need to intervene. The pastoral team will have seen all this before

Hi everyone, thank you for all the support and messages. It's surprising how strangers on the internet can give you confidence and support that you're doing the right thing.

Daughter has been really ill since I last posted and had every test going to figure out what's happening. In need of some supplements as a little low on a few things, but the doctor put the majority of it down to stress and anxiety, typically caused by trauma. We were already swaying to a form change, but this just confirmed that we needed to take action.

We've formally requested a change of form asap and also informed the school about the extent of everything. Interestingly on Snapchat you can download all the activity logs - this shows you every message sent, received, posts, pretty much everything (even if the child thinks it's deleted). It didn't make for nice reading, however we had the mum of one of the instigators send a really horrible message to my partner telling us our daughter had split the group up and she now deserves to have no friends and the way she's treated her daughter is terrible, her daughter doesn't have an eating disorder and mine spread the rumour etc... The messages and reposts of the instigator tell a very different story and since sending them across to the other mum we've had no response, but did let her know that based on her threatening message we've now sent everything to the school. I guess you reap what you sow.

Unfortunately the nicer girls haven't taken the form move well. We told our daughter to say she's being forced (even though she wants to) and that she still wants to be friends with them, she just doesn't want to be around the wider group or the nasty girls in form and other lessons. They told our daughter it wasn't fair on them and that she was going to be left with no friends as they wouldn't be a trio anymore. I'm guessing it's just an initial reaction and they're worried as my daughter is probably the only kind, true friend they have. We've encouraged our daughter to reach out to other girls she knows and just start making some more connections, she met a nice girl for hot chocolate in the week.

Plan now is to try and take our daughter completely out of the equation in this toxic group dynamic. Even the nice girls end up being a go between and telling each part of the group what the others have said etc... Daughter wants no part of it now and is prepared to start again. We know she might bump into the others from time to time, however maybe they've got what they want and will move on to some other drama.

Challenge will start next week as we've only requested the change, so will see what the school come back with. Biggest lesson learned for anyone going through similar - careful when going to other parents, even when you are 100% certain you're in the right and know all the facts. They are likely to defend their child, potentially get nasty and see no truth to what you say.

No good deed goes unpunished.

if your daughter ever finds herself in a situation again where she is worried about another student’s behaviour, such as self harm, tell her not to mention it to the student directly. She should tell you. You should then tell the school, and ask to remain anonymous. Leave it to the school to contact parents. Let them deal with safeguarding. Do not link your child to any outcome. I know that doesn’t help in this situation, but for future reference. You are not responsible for these girls other than reporting it to the school. Job done.