DH getting too uptight with DD

[Mummyof287]

DH is generally a loving, devoted father but can be quite uptight with DD1 (almost 7) at times when her behaviour is challenging or he is feeling stressed.I can get stressed and angry at her too at times, don't get me wrong, but tonight when she wouldn't wash her hands he went into the bathroom and began forcefully doing it for her in anger, despite her complaining, asking him to stop multiple times.I stepped in and told him it was unacceptable to be being so physically forceful and overbearing, especially as she is getting older now and I have always tried hard to teach her about body autonomy and the whole 'If someone is touching you in a way you don't like and you tell them to stop, they should stop straight away'I told him he was undermining all this and basically said about how if we don't instill it in her now then she could grow up thinking it's OK for more men to dominate or overpower her, and to think about that.I think that really shocked him as he apologised to DD profusely and accepted it was not okay.But I feel like I'm constantly having to mediate between him and DD at times, as he is not responding to or managing her behaviour in a fair or appropriate way and they end up at loggerheads.He always relents and owns his mistakes, but I just want him to be able to pick up on them and reflect on them without me constantly having to push him to or identify them myself! And also to pull himself away when getting into an argument with DD (he tends to keep on and on her in a battle of wills and not walk away and give or have space) I've tried sharing parenting books i read with him about how to manage behaviour in a fairer more respectful way (he had shit parents and a dysfunctional upbringing, so I appreciate he didn't have the best role models) but he never really properly takes it all on board.She is funny about him rather than me doing her bedtime routine as it is, and his stressy attitude probably isn't helping that.He always wants it all done as quickly as possible and clock watches, rushes her along lots, wheras I am more laid back and use the bedtime routine as more of a connection time which I think DD likes.

Your husband is a bully and it's going to damage your daughter forever if he doesn't get his shit together.

I would demand he gets therapy to deal with his issues, and if he refuses, a very serious decision needs to be made. Your daughter is only 6 years olds. I cringe thinking how bad he's going to get.

I think he needs to have some counselling to deal with his childhood and do a parenting course to deal with DD. Also, possibly look at an anger management program.

It's good that he recognises that he's wrong and apologises, but he needs to take the next step of making practical changes/seeking help. Without the practical steps the apologies are meaningless. If he was truly sorry he wouldn't keep doing it.

Thankyou both for replying.

He isn't a bully by nature, far from it usually (although I did tell him last night that he was behaving like a bully forcing DD to wash her hands like that) so this was very out of character for him.

I think he just has a very black and white way of thinking and seems to get stuck in these battles of wills with DD without even realising, then thinks being dominating with her is the only way to respond when she doesn't listen, even though I've tried to help him see other ways.Parenting course might be helpful.
He loves DD to bits but I think he just doesn't get how to manage her behaviour sometimes other than laying down the law like his parents did, and doesn't have the ability to reflect on what is going on and adjust his responses like I do.

It was really out of character for him to do that, and totally crossing a line which is why I laid into him alot about it.
He was very upset and mortified at himself, and I did tell him he needs to get more help (he has had some short periods of counselling on and off before) and there can no excuses not to because that cannot happen again (him being so physical with DD)

He has alot of problems with low self esteem, intrusive thoughts, OCD and anxiety which is what makes him very impatient and inflexible and uptight at times.But none of that stuff is DDs fault so told him he needs to get therapy and deal with it properly this time, which he has agreed to do ASAP.

We also involved DD in discussion after with DH about how Daddy should not have forced her to wash her hands like that when she says 'stop' it must mean stop and he needs to listen straight away.

He said sorry and she said 'It's okay daddy' so he told her is isn't okay, and he should not have behaved like that and must do better in future, so she knows that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Denying he's a bully is being complicit in his vile treatment of your child. What you've written is bullying (abuse), very much in character. Dominating, physical force, intimidation all traumatising your child.
How do you plan to end making her live in this awful environment? Is she not having therapy yet?

You say you can get angry at her also? Does DD have behavioural problems? Has she got SEN? Obviously this doesn’t excuse DH but parenting ND children is a whole other ball game.

The first step I would take is for you and DH to undertake parenting courses.

This is really bad OP. Using physical force to overpower a child is frightening and simply wrong, and haranguing a child is also inappropriate. Your dh needs to understand that he needs to immediately and entirely stop this controlling kind of behaviour, and that it is not just poor parenting but probably abusive.

I suggest next time he starts in this, you video him doing it. Show him his behaviour. Ask him, would he want his work colleagues to see him treating his kids that way? I always think “pretend it’s The Truman Show - is this the kind of behaviour I could be proud of and defend in fro t of the wider world”.

She doesn't live in an 'awful' environment, she is a much loved and very happy, well cared for little girl.

However, his behaviour was totally unacceptable, and I did say to him if it was someone else doing that to her we would hit the roof about it, so it's not right for him to do it either.

Not sure....possibly ADHD has been queried but nothing concrete as yet.
She has always been a challenge so we can get very worn down by the relentless
struggles with her behaviour at times, but that is obviously no excuse for responding in an aggressive and forceful way.

My anger towards DD was more related to hormonal issues with PMDD, but has now settled down with correct supplements.

What about some family therapy or counselling?

So I say this on every thread almost 🤦‍♀️😆. But, when you as parents find you're often angry and losing your temper I believe that's a good reason to consider some neurodivergence like ADHD/ Autism.

Absolutely not blaming the children here, and yes some parents can be awful and out of control for no reason. But parenting in this situation with ADHD etc can bring you to your knees sometimes. ( I have been there and didn't realise).

I didn't even realise fully until about age 9 and then it hit me. I forgave myself for all of the times I had wondered why I was struggling to stay cool. Unless parents have been there they would never ever get it. I can almost forgive your husband tbh if there is constant challenge and hyperactivity and this is a one off. Yes I know I'll get bashed for this. I am a kind loving gentle parent but at about age 3 I virtually dragged my child upstairs to their room and collapsed on the floor crying. Only in hindsight can I see exactly what was happening. Parents not in this situation will never comprehend some of what I'm saying here.

I think husband needs to come up with very concrete ways of adapting his behaviour or it will just keep happening. Control and autonomy are essential needs for Autistic/ ADHD kids I learnt. Letting the small stuff go ( like hand washing) is the only way.

If she is simply headstrong and not Neurodivergent then I think giving her more control over things will still help. Husband just needs to learn that letting these little things go makes a huge difference. Choices also works amazingly - ' do you want to wash hands now or in 5 minutes?'. This tactic has changed everything for me.

Husband needs to listen to your suggestions for change and do something about it with actions or I would be re thinking his position!

But did you tell her that when she was told to wash her hands she needs to do it?

It's good that he apologised.

If he's interested in a parenting course you can usually be referred via the GP or there might be a self referral online for your local area, have a look. Positive parenting is helpful to reset these patterns.

In this scenario, it's more important that he reiterates that it's not ok for him to get physical with her, than that you reiterate that she needs to do as she is told. She likely already knows that is the expectation, stating that as part of the same conversation is basically saying it's totally justified for her dad to hurt her, which it is not. The adult should remain calm.