I’m really struggling 😞

[WatermelonSugar0]

I don’t really know what I’m posting here for. I really struggle to talk to people IRL and have a huge complex about what people think of me and being judged so I think posting on mumsnet is my best option 😊
im really struggling with being a mum at the moment. It just all feels so hard. My kids are 11 and 7 and I feel I’m constantly worrying about them, their school life, behaviour, friendships. I just seem to be getting it all wrong. There’s a constant battle to keep on top of everything and I just feel like I’m hugely failing them.
I worry hugely over every small thing. I go over and over every friendship issue my kids have had, problem with behaviour at school…. I totally recognise that I need to back off a bit and not be so involved but I really find it hard.
I definitely know I have an anxiety problem and am probably a bit depressed. I use a glass of wine (or2) at night as a coping mechanism and don’t take care of myself so i completely recognise all the things I should be doing but I can’t seem to do it.
I don’t really have any friends to talk to and I struggle to form proper relationships where I could just share this stuff. I’m probably a complete bore if I’m
totally honest!
I sometimes wish I could just disappear off and start again.
I’ve definitely lost myself and just feel tremendous guilt and sadness.
one of my children has mild SEN and I’m just crap at dealing with that. I lose my cool so frequently then spend forever apologising and feeling bad. I think I make everything 100% worse for her rather than being the safe space!
I hate having to make so many decisions on behalf of my kids as j feel that I make the wrong ones and then make them unhappy.
is this just it? Have I just hit the parenting/life stage where everything is really hard? I look back on videos when they were younger and recall being so much happier and life being so much easier and I miss that and felt guilt that it’s basically me and my struggles which make everything hard these days.
I don’t expect anyone to reply. I think I just wanted to vent after another tricky day.

I think 11 would be a hard age with approaching secondary. My DC are just 5and 2. When DC1 started school, it was a real eye opener of how parenting can become more complex with friendship dynamics and allowing them to navigate life more independently, and I know it'll only get harder from here in that respect.

You might have an anxiety like you say, but I think many of the challenges you are facing can be pretty normal.

Hang in there. You'll hit a curve eventually.

One step at a time when you're feeling overwhelmed, I think. Are you getting any support for the anxiety and depression? It sounds like a chat with the GP might be a good first step – anxiety or depression can make everyday life so hard and overwhelming, and you're dealing with both.

Thank you both for replying. I have spoken to the dr. I’ve tried talking therapies and cbt and haven’t really been able to engage with it. I think I need to go back but I definitely put it off because I feel so hopeless at times and im not sure what they could do. I’m terrible at explaining how I feel when put in the spot!!