Do I have a 3rd baby

[Redfawn]

Needing some advice please!

DH and I are talking ALOT about having a 3rd baby.

A bit of background:

• we have a DS and DD both under 4
• we don’t have close family- distance/ input, so it literally is just us
• we have just bought a 3 bed house
• I am 30 years old

We love our 2 children and feel very very lucky that we have 1 of each and they are both healthy.

I have thought about pros and cons, with the cons being as follows:

• no mat leave pay this time
• when I go into labour we won’t have any family available for childcare of my 2 children.
• Me and DH both have 2 siblings each so know 1st hand that 1 tends to be left out, and it rotates which 1.
• I got rid of all my new baby clothes/ equipment so would have to start again which is costly
• we would need to buy a bigger car to fit the car seats
• everything in life tends to be catered for families of 4

You would think the list of cons is enough to put us off but we are still tempted to try for the 3rd baby. I can’t tell if it’s just hormones and having young children already. Or if we should just go for it.

I’m worried if I’m knackered now with 2 how I will feel with 3. But I like to think at 30 I should still have the energy to deal with it.
I also worry about the regret if we don’t have another baby years down the line, because of how we feel now. Has this happened to anyone, does it pass or do you still wish you’d gone for it?

Thankyou for getting this far and I hope you can help!

If you’re 30 and are going to have to start over buying stuff anyway (ie. you’re not storing it for ages) I’d wait a bit and see how you feel. Because if you get pregnant now you’d have three under 5. That’s a lot. Many families of three have a slightly larger gap between child two and three as it gives a bit of breathing space and your children are a little older when the third baby arrives. That said, my friend went for three in quick succession, but does have a lot of family help. In terms of making the decision, it was a conversation we kept coming back to and in the end didn’t want to regret not doing it, so we went for it.

We've got 2 then a 5 year gap and a toddler. It's been amazing and has worked perfectly for us, I'd recommend waiting!

Currently pregnant with my third. Mine will be just turned 6 and about to be 4. I'm still in a bit of a panic but hoping that a slightly bigger gap will be helpful. I also work (3 days a week) so will be getting maternity pay from that. I also don't have much family support. I'd hold out an extra year and see how you feel.

I am currently pregnant with baby 3 and have a 4 and 2 year old. I am so excited to have them all close together. I work so get mat pay. And have no family help. I am under no illusions it will be chaos but I have always wanted a bigger family close together. Only u know what u truly want

I feel like this is a head Vs heart decision. It's impossible to pro and con it properly. When my two are arguing or fighting for my attention I can't imagine having the mental space for a 3rd. But then I see friends with 3 and it feels like such a gang, I get envious. But if they get into clubs later in life then who would accompany the 3rd one to their thing? I can't answer that. Life feels neater with two when it comes to booking hotels, plane seating arrangements, rollercoasters but those feel rare compared to family dinners, games nights, story time and three people nestled around you for movie night. For every con there's a pro and every pro there's a con. Only you can decide and perhaps there'll be a slither of regret either way but I'm sure you'd make the best of whichever one you choose.

• no mat leave pay this time

How are you going to pay the bills and feed everyone is more important

• when I go into labour we won’t have any family available for childcare

Your husband stays home and looks after the kids or you buy in help

• Me and DH both have 2 siblings each so know 1st hand that 1 tends to be left out, and it rotates which 1.

So true but not all siblings get one.

• I got rid of all my new baby clothes/ equipment so would have to start again which is costly

If you think baby items are expensive try a bigger house bigger car two rooms when on holiday - university

• we would need to buy a bigger car to fit the car seats

More expense.

• everything in life tends to be catered for families of 4

Yes it does from supermarket shops to holiday to everything else in between.

I have 3 under 2 I could work due to the expense of childcare - so became a SAHP - could you afford to do the same?

What If its twins? Could you cope with 4?

If you have no family nearby how will you manage daily, let alone an overnight?

If you want 3 have 3 not it’s going to coast more than a bunch of nappies.

@selondon28 @RebeccaCloud9 @Apraisechorus the only thing I still have is the full pram set and travel cot. I thought have a big clear out after my second would prevent me from wanting a third, it hasn’t. We were so sure about having a second with a close age gap to our first that we just went for it after a year.
I’d ideally like them all to be close in age as me and my partner don’t have that with our siblings and I think that makes us more distant as we have less in common with them.
That being said, I can see why there’s an age gap because having 2 children you and your partner can tag team where as 3 or more and you’re just completely outnumbered especially when they are all so reliant on you for everything.
Reading the threads though I’m glad it’s not just me wondering if going from 2-3 is harder than 1-2.

@Peppageorgepeppageorge I love the honesty of this, I’m under no illusion either that it will be mental for the next however many years 🙈Your children are the same ages as mine so it’s nice to see a direct comparison, are you coping during your pregnancy managing everyone?

@Beansandneedles This is a really lovely reply because I worry about the holidays and day trips (as I said everything caters for families of 4) but as you put it, how often does that happen?
I absolutely love sitting and having cuddles with my two at the moment and could definitely imagine another child being there.
My head worries about the logistical side of things but my heart says it’s just more love to give.

@Scarletttulips
money wise, my husband is on a fairly decent wage full time, so that wouldn’t be an issue. I work as a nurse so I’m able to pick up shifts whenever which is lucky as I’m not tied into a contact, the downside is no mat pay (if we were to have a baby in the next year, due to moving and changing employers) like I had with my 2 children previously. I’m currently a SAHP and just work once a week/once a fortnight to get my hours in. As you said nursery fees are expensive especially if it’s more than 1 child and it made more sense for me to be the SAHP.

with regards to coping without family. We are already used to managing on our own, our family are currently 5 hours away each end of the country and we are moving further away from them now. We’ve never had grandparents having the children after school or regular overnight stays. So it’s not something we would miss out on this time around.

If you have 3 under 2 I’m assuming twins/triplets? How are you finding it? I know there will be hard days but in general do you find you’re managing? How did you find the added costs of bigger car/ more expenses in the long run? I’m not meaning to sound nosey, I take my hat off to you having 3 under 2

Personally I’d wait to see how you feel once at least one starts school. Homework, play dates, extra curricular activities- multiplying that by 3, hell no from me.

Hi!

I read this thing about how to approach decision making: 'if it's not a hell yes, then it's a no'. That's something to think about. Are you hell yes to 3 or are you just.. a bit yes?

I never wanted anymore than 1 child; however, I suddenly had an intense urge for a second (one I couldn't get out of my mind - an undeniable hell yes) and as I type this message, my second baby snoozes in my lap. It's the most magical feeling. I dreaded it. Absolutely dreaded her arrival.. but after the horrendous hormone crash of weeks 1-3, it's been idyllic.

I have a school age second though, which I think helps. And I haven't had to really worry about logistics as you would have to, going from 2-3.

You'll make it work. You're already tired. I've been tired since I had my first and this second kid hasn't really changed anything except for a lot more crying in the evenings. But that's a short term problem.

Good luck with whatever you choose. It's a beautiful kind of dilemma to wrestle with. Your family life now sounds lovely as it is.. so if you don't change anything, all is still good.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers 😂 I think that’s why my DH is so keen to have them close together, so once that stage is done.. it’s done. I couldn’t imagine having a 15 year age gap like some, I don’t know how they do it

@coffeeatsunrise firstly, congratulations! That little newborn bubble stage is so lovely.
I think when day to day life is happening I’m too busy to think about adding another child into the mix, but when we look at our 2 sleeping or playing nicely together or even just when my DH and I talk in general about having a 3rd it’s a YES let’s go for it. But then my brain starts going into overdrive of all the potential issues and challenges.

The eldest is at preschool full time so we are getting there with stability.

You're right about being tired though, I don’t think I’ve felt well rested in the last 4 years. And don’t get me started about getting out the front door with children calmly 😂

It sounds like a head v heart decision. If you can afford no mat pay and to buy a bigger car, go for it if you want to have another baby. I had 3 under 2.5 and it was chaos, but lovely chaos. My 3 are now nearly 4 (twins) and 18 months and they adore each other. If we didn’t have twins I would have liked a slightly bigger gap - eg 5,3,newborn.

I am beyond tired but I have really bad sickness and expected it as I did with my last two pregnancies. I feel like it will only be super mental for 18 months and then u will start seeing the reward of the smaller age gap like I do now. I won't be getting a new car as 4 year old will be tall enough to sit on a normal booster seat in the front then the two younger in the back when it's just me. When we go out as a family we have an estate that can fit 3 seats across the back. I only have 10 weeks to go give or take and am looking forward to baby no.3 so so much and seeing my other two with them.
What are u thinking?

I'm in the same boat except I just found out I'm pregnant totally not planned and in shock I'm in 2 minds because the cons weigh out the pros I feel like I may only be wanting this baby for the wrong reasons I really need help and Its true what if it's twins I'm 34 my two will be 3 and 5 when baby arrives