To 'toughen up' ds?

[Serenitymummy]

DS starts senior school in September. Is still what I would describe as naive/young minded. I went to a pretty rough school and was picked on and I just don't want this for him because he's clueless or just innocent having led a very sheltered life. He's going to be eaten alive isn't he? Is there anything I can do in prep now to toughen him up and get him ready?

When you say prep, is he going from prep school to private senior school? Or preparation?

2-3 wedgies a week should do the trick.

too vague. But overall, I think th best think you can do between now and September is encourage independence. You want him to be able to get to school alone, function at school without needing lots of intervention etc.

I feel your pain OP though my ds has another year to go. I'm doing things like talking to him about friendships, loyalty etc.

I'm not sure how to toughen up but you could instil some tactics for staying out of trouble. It's very tricky I agree.

Let him be.
There is no point making him something he isn't.
I worried, big time, about DS2 going to secondary. He's found a group of the loveliest boys. And they are all just so supportive of each other.
And my quiet, sweet, innocent, boy is who he wants to be with them. There is nothing forced about it.

I went from a small village primary school where noone said boo to a goose to a secondary school which was feeder to 3 primary school where smoking and truancy was common!
It was a shock but nothing damaging. I'm a red head so there was lots of "Ur ginger". I was studious so that was a source of ridiculing. I did get bullied but not for anything that was about me. I got bullied in the quaint village school and one of the girls was the same in both situations.
You can't premept all ridicule or bullying and you could toughen him up and find school toughens him up in a different way and now he has lost the gentle side that provides you with balance.
I would explore extra curriculars with him what clubs do the school offer. Life in schools is easier when you find your tribe so I think I would put the effort into looking what his tribe might look like when he starts at secondary school

My niece is a quiet girl at the school I went to and has thrived with the library and crafts based after school groups as well as joining the debate team.

In preparation I meant sorry

He might get eaten alive. But what in earth can you do to prep him?!

This is my hope, I've tried to tell him that this is his opportunity to find his tribe. He doesn't have many friends in primary and most of them are not going to the same senior so he's worried. I don't really know what I'm looking for exactly, I suppose just reassurance that the quiet sweet non-traditional boys (he doesn't like football or sports really) do find their way and not necessarily have a shit time.

I wouldn't say you need to toughen them up, but every parent should be teaching their child (appropriate to their age group) social skills, resilience, critical thinking with good pinch of cynicism, good/bad friendships, how to diffuse situations, when to ask for help, etc etc.

A child can still be kind, sweet and all of the above. I know my ds(19) is a kind, sweet lad (man now?) probably gets taken advantage of helping others, but he will also stand up for himself, his friends or what's right when he needs to.

When he went to secondary he stayed with his friends from primary mostly in the first year, but when they starting getting into things he was not comfortable with he found friends he was more suited to.

That's what I'm asking?

😂

Leave him to be himself.

I don't think there is anything you can do to toughen him up.

Instead, I would focus on talking about cyber security - how to be safe online, what to do if someone makes him feel unsafe.

You can practise situations with him, how to address teachers, who to ask for help, how to organise home work. Let him take responsibility for getting himself packed for days out and nights away, putting his clothes away in the right place etc.

Show him how to make simple meals/snacks and tidy up after. let him go into the shop by himself to find an item and pay for it.

all this will help him mature and feel more comfortable in his skills.

I worried about this too, dd after a disastrous experiment in the local excuse for a secondary school was moved to one in the same academy further away (we live in an awful area). My boys went to this same further away school and honestly they were fine. There was still a slight element of disruption but my older boy is in college now and younger is in year 9 and has a solid friend group. They all found friends and managed to get through it.

They are very non sporty, geeky etc, not like the local ruffians. Plus they have an accent unlike the local one that didn't help.

I'm just guessing here if he is a bit naive and innocent and sweet that you have pandered to him a bit and speak to him very childlike (ie. protected him from harder topics). I think you should start speaking to him in a more grown up manner, start introducing a bit of reality in conversations. And have expectations of him of doing things independently. They learn so much by doing things themselves like a bit of cooking, cleaning up etc. All the kids of this age I know that are sweet and naive have been babied which makes for a lovely childhood but a difficult transition to teen years.

Give him some small tasks to help with his independence and confidence. Give him a fiver and ask him to pop down the shop for some bread and milk.

join social media groups for parents of children starting the same year/class as him. Maybe plan a few casual park meet ups over the summer just so he has some familiar faces to recognise when he starts.

definitely have chats about the internet, bullying etc. there’s great resources on NSPCC and other places to keep it age appropriate.

start giving him more responsibility at home. Asking him to make a cup of tea, making toast etc.

In my opinion, the biggest difference at secondary is how 'telling' becomes socially unacceptable very quickly. So helping him to identify what things he should ignore/mind his own business about (stuff like swearing, chewing gum etc) and what stuff is appropriate to alert a member of staff to - bullying, racism etc

Look at the schools extracurricular offers. I run the stem club at our school (science, tech, engineering and maths). The kids that come to it are the nicest kids in the school. There are a lot of students who go to a different club every lunch time because they find that more comfortable than being out on the yard amongst the hustle and bustle.

If it is a big school there will be some unpleasant kids and probably bullying if we are being honest, but there will also be lots of really kind accepting kids as well.

My ds is only 5 but his dad and him play fight and dh will say that didn't hurt, you can do it harder when secretly it did in fact hurt him!

Ds still absolutely soft as a kitten though so maybe we are not the best people to ask!

He is working on his independence and walks himself to and from primary now, as well as being a fairly decent cook. He does housework etc and has some hobbies so I'm hoping there will be clubs relevant to him and he can make some new friends that way.