Severe separation anxiety?

[Fivebyfive2]

Hi, I posted on the sen boards but pasting here for traffic too as we really need some advice!

My 4 year old son is awaiting assessment for autism but his Paediatrician, nursery workers and HV all strongly suspect he is autistic or ND in some way. We're in the UK

One of the main struggles we have is intense separation anxiety. Especially at nursery drop off. He has been going to nursery since he was 18 months old. We swapped him to a more suitable nursery just before he turned 3 and although he has been doing well, we are all concerned about how bad the drop offs are and how difficult he finds it to settle down.

He was doing much better last year but since January it's gotten steadily worse again.

Things we do -

Talk about nursery and me going to work in a positive way.

Have a solid morning routine, gradual transitions/one step at a time kind of thing.

He takes a comfort item in with him.

The nursery try to have the same person meeting us at the gate. We time it so we're not waiting ages to go in (whenever possible) His key worker takes him to the book corner where he feels most comfortable and they read the same book to help him calm down.

I've also taken to asking his favourite things at nursery (he always says the same 2 things but I ask anyway) and make a thing of saying at the door he'd like to do these things and they always say oh yes we'll do those things etc.

If I ask why he's so worried he just says he wants to be with me. I'm so worried I've done/am doing something wrong to make him not feel secure enough?

He's ok once he settles in, they know his "ways" and are really good at supporting him. They have great relationships with the local school he'll be going to and all information will be passed on - we are working on getting an ehcp in place but to be honest the thought of having to drop him at school 5 days a week from September makes my chest feel tight.

Has anyone else had issues with long term separation anxiety?

It looks like you are doing all the usual things to reduce anxiety however this might sound harsh but stop talking about nursery when your son isn't there.

Is the process of leaving him at the door at nursery brief? Sometimes a protracted 'bye darling, hope you're ok today, Mummy loves you etc etc approach is really not helpful. I expect you don't do that though.

Maybe ask him what it is that you do together that he particularly likes and see whether that can be replicated at nursery?

Could you arrange playdates so that it is not just nursery that he associates with being left?

Additionally considering the short amount of time between now and when he starts school see if there are opportunities where you could do more together. Maybe say, after nursery today we will spend some time together doing that thing you like doing with Mummy so he has something to look forward too. I'd suggest not over talking about the new school too soon either.

Every child deals with nursery / school differently and even the happiest outgoing child can take time to settle.

Hopefully assessments will provide you with some answers and some additional support.

@Pr1mr0se I only talk about nursery at home when he brings it up, like asking what day it is and if it's a nursery day (we have a chart but he still asks)

We try and keep drop offs as brief as possible but if we hit a qué then there's not much we can do - I'm as positive as I can be but quite honestly I defy anyone to "just stay breezy" or whatever variation people always say, when this is day after day for literally years. Of course I don't ever show I'm upset in front of him.

We spend lots of quality time together so it's not that. I always tell him what we're doing after nursery (he always asks) it makes no difference to the actual drop off.

Also we play with the kids from nursery in the park all the time and one or two come over to the house sometimes too.

Do you know what changed in January to make things worse?

It's sounds really heartbreaking. It does look like you are doing all the things you can to make things easier for him. It could just be that he has an anxious personality and only experience and time will help.

@Pr1mr0se I'm not really sure what changed to be honest. He always went back a little bit after a half term etc so we expected a bit of a backslide after Christmas but hoped he'd get back to just having a little wobble at the door and walking in - we can cop with that! But it's just gotten worse, we're now back to him worrying before we leave and having to be basically carried in by staff.

He has been a bit ill after the first Feb term but it was going downhill before that. I'll speak to nursery again this week if it's still as bad. I know they've started talking about school and stuff but actually he seems quite positive about that so we're kind of all scratching our heads. I just feel awful knowing he's obviously so anxious about something but not really being able to help despite doing all the "right" things!

Some things that seems to have helped with our son (nearly 2 so a lot younger, but similar extreme anxiety/distress about drop off for months when he first started at 12 months and again for weeks and weeks after the Christmas break:

• we have a special bag he takes to nursery and a different one for home days. We put the bag in his room ready packed the night before and remind him that tomorrow is nursery or tomorrow you are at home with Daddy.
• earlier drop off, so he goes into the room when it's not too busy and noisy
• reminding him on the way that I will come back and pick him up at the end of the day (and that we can play with his stickers/read his book etc after nursery)
• consistent morning and evening routine either side of the nursery day
• drop off to a particular staff member, sometimes in the quieter side of the nursery room

None of these have been a magic solution, but are definitely chipping away at the degree of distress on drop off.

If it helps, I remember crying at school drop off well into Year 1, but actually broadly liking school.