So long, sorry!!
Ex left just under a year ago when I was pregnant with our second child. Pregnancy was horrific - both baby and I were very ill throughout, life threateningly ill.
Our children are now 4 and 6 months.
We brought a house to be near his family and friends. We brought the house knowing i could contribute less because I earned less. We brought the car on the same knowledge.
Ex earns more than I do anyway, but now I’m on SMP he earns much more than I do. I am on UC but it’s pittance.
Ex is currently living with a family member rent free about 45 minutes away.
I have the children full time and he comes to my house two evenings a week to put the DC to bed and usually both weekend days we will spend together as DC2 is exclusively breastfed and refuses a bottle try as we might. If I suggest he doesn’t come maybe one day he says he wants to as he wants to see the DC.
He cannot have them to stay at his family members because it is in no way suitable and our DC1 refuses.
All this to say, ex currently pays me his half of the mortgage, his life insurance and half our 4 year olds nursery fees. That’s it. So on my ‘salary’ I have to pay for everything; uniform, nappies, wipes, new clothes, shoes, council tax, bills, car, petrol, activities, fun things, school extras, food etc. etc.
I have tried for the last 10ish months to have a proper conversation with ex about what our future co parenting looks like. I have tried writing it down, speaking casually, having a more ‘formal’ discussion. I have made countless suggestions of solutions eg more financial help from him, him coming over early in the mornings to get the girls up and take DC1 to school, sharing the house 50/50 and we each move out half the week but the DC stay, I’ve suggested we try couples therapy to work on our relationship as we get on great and still do and personally have no idea why he left, but he has either brushed over my suggestions or simply said he ‘cannot do more, he’s burned out.’ I have told him many times I cannot continue as is. I have maxed out all credit options. I can no longer even afford the petrol to take my child to school.
He says he cannot afford to give me anymore as he needs to save to move out of his family members and in to his own place where the DC can stay with him.
I want to tread quite carefully because ex has had a traumatic past and I fully appreciate he is struggling mentally and I do not want to unnecessarily aggravate his mental health. I have begged him to seek therapy but he says he can’t afford it and waiting list on NHS too long.
So, my questions is, what would you do? My options are to move in with my parents with the two DC and sell the house. There is barely any capital in the house as we only brought it 2 years ago so I can’t use that to buy somewhere else and any money we do have in the house we will have to use to end our fixed rate mortgage early. My parents live 3 hours away and are also selling their house in the near future so we’d have to move again (still with them) next year. This means ex will see the children probably every other weekend as they will go to school there and I don’t just want to see them in the mornings and evenings and he gets weekends and because he is the reason we will be homeless I don’t want to budge on that. I guess my only other option is to apply to the family court for more financial assistance (CMS are a pile of crap and say the amount he’s paying for nursery is sufficient). Or I pull our daughter from nursery and we sit at home in the dark and cold all day not eating and not doing any activities.
Any advice is so welcome. I am so lost.
tl;dr ex and I split. Financially ruined me and now I don’t know what to do to ensure DC and I can still live.