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Original poster

Weaponised incompetence from partner?

26 replies

sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 05:02

I have a wonderful 10 month old and am loving my new mum life.

I feel like we've had quite a few challenges, sleep being one of them but I'm coping well considering I have no family apart from DP.

I go back to work shortly and I've pointed out to lovely DP that whilst his job is important, so is mine...
DP doesn't do any of the bedtime responsibilities at night and to have our parenting more evenly split I've suggested that he helps.

He agreed and had his first night of trying to resettling the baby.
Our little one, as I've explained i: not always hungry so a pick up and walk around when crying will calm him and then you just put him back in the cot. I've been doing this for 10 months next to him so surely he must hear what I'm doing too?

Apparently not..he couldn't even walk around, he just stood here holding the baby expecting him to fall back asleep!
I can hear that the baby also has a stuffy nose and again, common sense to me is get his some nasal drops. Cue crying and lots of huffing and puffing before I'm given the baby back.

DP has happily gone back to sleep. Is this weaponised incompetence I'm seeing on his part? If you've never heard the phrase then please look it up :)

Im not asking for 50/50 parenting, im asking for some support with sleep and resetting which im now angry at myself I didn't put my foot down earlier about!

AIBU? And what does your parenting look like? Please refrain from commenting if you're from the 1950's and assume a woman should do it all 😂

OP posts:
Toomuchgoingon79 · 12/03/2024 05:13

Mine are now 19 and 24 so not quite the 1950's lol both my dc have different dads. However both dads helped out at night and done night time routines. We didn't necessarily take it in turns it was more like who ever offered to do it first whilst the other washed up after dinner, sorted the laundry etc.

Seriously don't take over from him, let him huff and puff. You've been doing it without help for 10 months and had to find your own feet with it all.

This idea that mum does everything annoys me. Parents are equal. So why shouldn't he be doing 50:50?

Good luck on your return to work! It's a big adjustment but I didn't find it as difficult as I thought it would be. Just need to be organised.

rwalker · 12/03/2024 05:28

If your baby has a set routine then both of you should clearly communicate this to each other
Sounds like you assumed he knows rather than you’ve both discussed it so your both in the same page

AmandaHoldensLips · 12/03/2024 05:56

Im not asking for 50/50 parenting, im asking for some support with sleep and resetting...

Why are you not asking for 50-50? It's 2024, not 1950. Men opting out of parenting their own children is just one aspect of why women continue to drown under a tsunami of patriarchy.

For so long as you continue to pick up his slack, he will continue to swerve his share of the grunt work.

His job is not more important than yours.
His life is not more important than yours.
Nor is his sleep.

Nip this in the bud and stand your ground until he steps up to the plate like a responsible adult.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9-12 months old Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
Nothingbuttheglory · 12/03/2024 06:15

Tbh it makes sense that baby would struggle a bit with being put to bed by someone new for the first time, as well as that your dp might not get it perfect first time. You need to let them get on with it though, and be supportive of your dp's efforts.
Why he hasn't done it before is another mystery entirely.

rookiemere · 12/03/2024 06:40

If he is meant to be doing bedtime, then leave him to it.
You have told him how you do it, if he chooses to do it a different way then let him see how it works. Fair enough you jump in if he comes whining to you or baby sounds distressed rather than just tired, but many people do get theirs to sleep without walking round the room with them.

ThePoetsWife · 12/03/2024 06:45

Why aren't you asking for 50:50 parenting?!

Big mistake as you will then be always the default parent.

JumalanTerve · 12/03/2024 06:47

You need to let him find his own way of settling the baby, and resist the urge to come in and tell him to do it exactly how you would do it. He will get to his own method eventually and he needs to stick at it until he does

LilFoxes · 12/03/2024 06:53

If he hasn't resettled baby at all for 10 months then this is somewhat a rod for his own back, ergo, don't step in under any circumstances.
Maybe consider moving baby to their own room so the parent doing the resettling doesn't need to clomp around the bedroom in the middle of the night with a crying baby?
Good luck with DH and even more luck with the return to work!

rookiemere · 12/03/2024 06:57

Oh and rather than telling him what to do, try framing it as a suggestion:
"I find for me that walking and shushing baby works well to settle her down"
Also you want him to do some parenting right ? So try being supportive "I know it's so tiring when she won't settle, I'm so glad we're in this together now." Yes its bull he hasn't done a thing for 10 months, but the key is for him to do more going forward.

WoodBurningStov · 12/03/2024 07:01

You should be asking for 50:50 parenting, why not! As you said your job is as important as his and he does have 50% parental responsibility for HIS child.

That said, why not try to gently assist him, for a while, but make it clear going back to bed and leaving you to it, is not an option. Assist him every night, so he has to get up every night until he's capable of dealing with his child. Then you can both start sharing the night duties, and it means you then both get to sleep in on different days.

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 07:08

ThePoetsWife · 12/03/2024 06:45

Why aren't you asking for 50:50 parenting?!

Big mistake as you will then be always the default parent.

Parenting isn't 50/50 though in the early months, especially as I EBF.
Look at the difference between maternity and paternity leave in the UK if you think about it from the very start... I was lucky that DP managed to do unpaid leave for 3 months!

I didn't say he isn't pulling his weight elsewhere, just at bedtime there is a big gap that I'd like help with. This is the opportunity to do it now as before baby was waking every 2 bours to feed, now the gaps are longer some of the wakes are for comfort and hugs rather than feeding.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 07:09

WoodBurningStov · 12/03/2024 07:01

You should be asking for 50:50 parenting, why not! As you said your job is as important as his and he does have 50% parental responsibility for HIS child.

That said, why not try to gently assist him, for a while, but make it clear going back to bed and leaving you to it, is not an option. Assist him every night, so he has to get up every night until he's capable of dealing with his child. Then you can both start sharing the night duties, and it means you then both get to sleep in on different days.

That's really helpful advice thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 07:10

LilFoxes · 12/03/2024 06:53

If he hasn't resettled baby at all for 10 months then this is somewhat a rod for his own back, ergo, don't step in under any circumstances.
Maybe consider moving baby to their own room so the parent doing the resettling doesn't need to clomp around the bedroom in the middle of the night with a crying baby?
Good luck with DH and even more luck with the return to work!

Good suggestion, we've moved and so the baby room isn't ready but no harm in sticking a cot in and seeing how it goes :) last time we moved him out at 6 months it was an epic fail

OP posts:
Orangeandnavy · 12/03/2024 07:13

You’re in danger of falling into that well of resentment that so many mothers end up in.
If he’s doing dad stuff let him do it his way and find his own methods.
Try and be supportive even when you are frustrated. Talk to each other. Tell him you’re worried about how things will be when you go back to work. Tell him you want things to be fair. Don’t just wait for him to perform the way you want.
Good luck.

ThePoetsWife · 12/03/2024 07:16

I breastfed for two years with my DC - parenting isn't just about feeding them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 07:17

Nothingbuttheglory · 12/03/2024 06:15

Tbh it makes sense that baby would struggle a bit with being put to bed by someone new for the first time, as well as that your dp might not get it perfect first time. You need to let them get on with it though, and be supportive of your dp's efforts.
Why he hasn't done it before is another mystery entirely.

I think as I was BF a baby who wouldn't take a bottle. In all fairness we have spoken that we both should have tried harder with a bottle but he now takes a sippy or open cup so we agreed not to discuss that anymore and move forward.

I think sleep deprivation and working a 6 day week really kills him whereas I've been on mat leave and so just got on with it to support him but with maternity leave coming to an end I feel like he feigns incompetence to get a few more nights of sleep! He's always loved his sleep whereas I seem to be better with limited sleep,

Sleep deprivation makes you say some mean things at 4am and now that I'm awake all is well and I've had some good advice with how to handle this going forward :)

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 12/03/2024 07:19

It's ridiculously late but nip this in the bud now or you will always be the person doing bedtime. No nights out or trips away for you!

Leave him to it. Go out if necessary. The gym is where I went. Stand firm. He's apparently had 10months not doing this. Crazy. Baby will cry a lot but will get used to it.

Your partner will try and guilt you as its much easier for him to leave you to it. It's much better for baby if both parents can settle them.

Otherwise you will be back here in a years time saying you need to go to an important work thing / friends birthday but he still can't settle baby.

Dacadactyl · 12/03/2024 07:20

If its his first time doing it, he will struggle.

I'd show him how until he was able to do it.

I don't think it's weaponosed incompetence to not know how to settle a baby who was EBF for a good few months.

Just keep getting him to do it until he learns. It would be weaponised incompetence for him not to know after a few months, but not after the first night or so.

CurlewKate · 12/03/2024 07:20

@sunlover1123 "AIBU? And what does your parenting look like? Please refrain from commenting if you're from the 1950's and assume a woman should do it all 😂"

How to put people off being helpful.....

Original poster
sunlover1123 · 12/03/2024 07:22

ZenNudist · 12/03/2024 07:19

It's ridiculously late but nip this in the bud now or you will always be the person doing bedtime. No nights out or trips away for you!

Leave him to it. Go out if necessary. The gym is where I went. Stand firm. He's apparently had 10months not doing this. Crazy. Baby will cry a lot but will get used to it.

Your partner will try and guilt you as its much easier for him to leave you to it. It's much better for baby if both parents can settle them.

Otherwise you will be back here in a years time saying you need to go to an important work thing / friends birthday but he still can't settle baby.

Thank you! Really great advice and I've been meaning to go back to yoga so actually I'll try from Thursday.
He's a wonderful dad and neither of us are perfect but I'm sure with time he'll get there for nights :)

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 12/03/2024 07:22

Mine are 1 and 3 so not from the 50s!

My DH and I did 5050 from the get go. You probably need to give him time to work out what to do but things I would be cautious of

  • don't take over unless he really asks you to
  • don't keep suggesting how you do it. Suggest once then leave him to it. He will figure out his own way most likely
  • taking over cos 'it's easier' stick firm to share. DH isn't 'helping' he's parenting.

My DH and I have different ways of dealing with the children but generally with the same end goal. I don't really care how he does it just as long as the end goal
Is the same eg they are bathed or in bed or had tea or whatever.

I did more night wakings and general stuff when I was in may leave but when I went back to work it was split as 50/50 as possible. Clear lines of communication of who is doing what and when clear expectations and no competitive tiredness.

I don't think we get it right all the time but we try bloody hard to.

Good luck on your return

Stonehill · 12/03/2024 07:29

Obviously it is going to take time, the baby is going to react badly to having a new person put him to bed to start with, and obviously, you judging and criticising is going to make it impossible for your DH to develop his own competence and confidence.

I have never in my life put nasal drops in a baby. I wouldn't call it common sense at all. Walking round and putting back in the cot may work for some babies, but for many it wont, and even if it works for you, it might not for DH.

Leave him to it. Leave the house, ideally, he isn't going to develop a routine with you interfering and criticising like this. I would hand the baby back if I felt this much judgement too.

Beansandneedles · 12/03/2024 13:38

One of the hardest things for both my partner and I was when he realised he didn't know the baby as well as I did and I realised that he wasn't ever going to do things exactly the way I did them. I had to step back, or better yet step out, and let the two of them work it out together. It was too tough being in the house listening to the baby get more and more agitated and my OH get more frustrated as the various things he tried didn't work. But then I thought of the countless hours I'd spent with the baby working out exactly what worked and what didn't. My OH had a bit of a headstart in that I could tell him what worked for me but at the end of the day he is not me, and both he and baby knew it!!

In the end my husband became far better at settling both our children, and is still the bedtime pro 5 years later. You just got to give him the space to find his feet without criticism or someone waiting for him to do it wrong. Maybe he'll surprise you.

EauNeu · 12/03/2024 13:48

The best advice I ever saw on here: don't be the expert on the baby.

He needs to find his way. You can be supportive "yes it's hard isn't it" but don't rescue.

Toblerbone · 12/03/2024 13:52

@EauNeu yes that is it exactly! "Don't be the expert on the baby."

Let him learn OP, even if that means him making some mistakes. I remember the first time DH gave DC1 a bath, I had to leave the room to stop myself giving instructions (or just stepping in and taking over). It's ok to give him some tips "have you tried this?" but basically let him find his own way.