5 year old - very little resilience and quick to get frustrated

[Rosebud1302]

Hi all,

I was wondering if anyone can sympathise. I have a delightful 5 year old boy. He is funny, kind and mostly a delight. However his biggest "issue" for want of a better word is his incredibly low tolerance to anything going even remotely wrong in his eyes. So if he writes one letter wrong. Or goes off the paper. Or makes a hole in the paper (I'm using today's examples) then it's throwing pens across the floor. Pushing the paper away. Huffing and stomping and head in his hands stropping. And it's like this for anything that he deems has gone wrong. Or we get the "grrrrrr!" type rage. He has never lashed out at me I hasten to add but my gosh it's hard work and so draining. If his train track breaks - it is thrown on the floor and he strops off. My usual tactic is to ignore as I do think he does some of it for attention but if he throws his toys I do tell him he isn't to throw anything as I won't tolerate that. But it doesn't help. He is just so quick to anger!!! In a similar vain, if his friends aren't doing what he wants or if they do something to even remotely upset him it's "I'm not their friend anymore, they really upset" and again strops and sometimes tears. And oh my gosh don't even get me started about him losing a board game...!!!! I'm aware I'm making him sound a nightmare. Most of the time he is not like this. But it seems to be some days it is constant things angering him.

Any tips?! Is this normal?! No SEN by the way.

My child is 4 and is almost the exact same- he does have temper tantrums and can lash out but he is quick to anger. His nursery are referring him to an educational psychologist due to this but part of me thinks it is just normal behaviour for a child that age, they don’t often know how to regulate their emotions

My 4 year old can be like this. We try to demonstrate how to deal with things going "wrong" like that hasn't gone quite right, oh well nevermind" "we can just try again, it was fun building it wasn't it?" Etc.

There are some books aimed at young kids about things not going right/being perfect.

When he is calm and regulates when things don't go right we say how well he's handled it.

Following

can you model things going wrong and not making a fuss. so when you play with him, build a tower and let it fall or mess up a bit and say 'oh dear, never mind' and 'lets try again'

also, you can have a teddy bear do things wrong in silly ways - make mistakes into a giggle rather than a crisis.

Oh goodness. I think I’m like this at the moment, and I’m 44 🤦‍♀️🤣

I love Janet Lansbury for problems like this. https://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/11/why-is-my-child-behaving-this-way-a-checklist/

I find her take so helpful. Children can’t regulate their emotions and it is our job to show them how. That means taking their emotions seriously and finding ways to channel and regulate them. It’s long laborious work, but the most sustainable in the long run.

We have the same 5yo son I see. Socks or jumper don't slide off like a well oiled seal down a slide? Water bottle only half full when leaving school (they can refill them themselves as they see fit)? The whinge and resulting jumping up and throwing himself down commences... the whinge noise in particular drives me absolutely nuts (internally, I'm hearing it so often it's like nails on a chalkbaord).

Occasionally something gets thrown (a pencil or whatnot). He's otherwise a sweet, extremely intelligent little boy. Just low in resilience, confidence and emotional maturity. We're working to build up confidence and talking about our own feelings a lot.

My son was very similar around this age. We cut back on his after school activities and removed iPad, his behaviour changed quite quickly for the better. I think the screen time affected his sleep and made him more emotional the next day.

If you can't be immature when you're five, when can you be? He's tiny.

Respond calmly, don't let a tantrum mean he calls the shots, he'll come through it soon enough.

My usual tactic is to ignore

That is not a good way of handling this. He is far too old to ignore this kind of behaviour. We shouldn't tell our children not to be angry or frustrated, we need to teach them how to deal with anger and frustration. Throwing things, stomping and huffing, being rude and stroppy are not acceptable ways of dealing with unpleasant feelings.

I would model but in a slightly different way from some of the suggestions above.

It is frustrating to lose, or make a mistake, or mess something up you’ve worked hard on.

Model that to him, but dealing with it appropriately ie not throwing, shouting etc.

‘Oh I’m SO cross! I worked really hard on that then I made a mistake and now I feel like screwing it all up! But I worked really hard on it. If I do that it will be a waste. What can I do to fix the problem? Maybe I need to leave it for a few minutes and get a hug first, then I can think about what to do next.’

Have a clear script as well (minimal words, reduce cognitive overload at times of stress) to repeat when his behaviour is inappropriate. How to talk so kids will listen is a great book for some of this.

Thank you all for your responses. I do try to respond in a "I understand you're frustrated" kind of manner I really do. But after some days of this happening with every little thing it wears thin very quickly and I do find myself having to ignore and breathe or I will end up getting frustrated back at him. Which doesn't help either. It is, at least, good to know it isn't just my son!!! I will keep modelling behaviour (I need to do this more) and hope it ends in the not so distant future!!!

OP. I have been googling and found this thread. Please can you give me your update ten months on? My DS is just about to turn 5 and he's sensational but the emotions are a LOT. He is exactly how you describe your DS, which I find a bit reassuring to be honest.

@Stringervest hi!! Well, we have definitely seen improvements in some ways. However, we are now going through "I'm rubbish at X activity, I'm stupid" etc. Which is of course heartbreaking. The frustration levels in general I would say are much improved overall. He is able to control his emotions more. Definitely not solved completely but I definitely see an improvement!

Oh OP, I'm sorry to hear this. Well, I'm of course really happy to hear the frustration is better but sorry to hear that your DS is struggling with his self esteem. I don't have any words of advice. I can imagine it must be very hard. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it soon.