How to tell children about Mummy and Daddy separating

[Emmabmumof3]

Hello
I’d love some advice/experiences of how
best to approach the topic of mummy and daddy separating. Our children are 13, 4 and 2. I’ve already had the conversation with the 13 year old but Im unsure how to tell the little girls. Daddy is still currently living at home with us however will soon be moving out. Just for background, we’re not arguing
or being horrible to each other or anything like that and will obviously both speak to the girls together. Would just love some advice. My 4yr old daughter is extremely sensitive and emotional anyway so I’m really worried about her reaction! Thank you x

I don't have any experience sorry @Emmabmumof3. I hope you get some responses soon

Mummy and Daddy will always love both of you children and you will still spend time with both Mummy and Daddy but Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anymore so Daddy will be moving out into another house. You will be able to stay with Daddy sometimes in his new house.

Your 2 year old won't understand whatever you stay. Just make sure the children see you both most days to begin with.

My 2 year old is nearly 3 and probably will understand to be honest :(

Do you think we need to say ‘mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore’? This is the bit that breaks my heart for them x

There are picture books you can buy to help the 2yo and 4yo.

I remember being bought loads when my parents split up (I was a bit younger than your 2yo but obvs we kept the books and I kept being read them). I remember one about a family of bears I think it was, and the daddy bear remarried and there were step sibling bears.

They were quite soppy "you won't have one family any more, you'll have two" type stuff but I imagine they'd work in the cases of amicable splits.

In my case, my parents screamed at each other both in person and on the phone, and then both ranted at us separately about what a monster the other parent was...! So in my case the books were a bit useless but I don't think anything would have helped in our case

Edit, in case it didn't come across, I guess what I'm saying is well done for not arguing too much in front of the kids!

I/we sold it so well to my DD when she was 5 that she reacted like she’d won a trip to Disneyland😔

Just stick to that you both love them very much but that mummy & daddy don’t love each other & daddy will have his own house. Make sure you tell them clearly what will be changing & what won’t be ‘you will still live here with me & go to school as normal’ etc.

Its hard at first but 2 years on & it’s much better. I think it takes 2 years to fully settle in n.

Dont open the conversation with "some families decide they're not all going to live together anymore" like my parents did. I assumed us kids were getting shipped off.

Don't assume they havent picked up on any tensions. Just because parents don't argue in front of their kids, doesn't mean kids don't know their parents aren't happy. They just don't know why (and wonder if it's them they're not happy with, hence me wondering if I was being shipped off). Children notice far more than adults realise. My mum still thinks we didn't know they argued (they'd argue in the garage) and they were both clearly unhappy with life.

Don't leave them wondering. I asked my parents who was keeping the dog. That was my main concern (once I knew I wasn't being cast out). My eldest asked us who was keeping the family console. That was his main concern. 😳😂

My advice is keep it factual and clear.

"Daddy is moving to a new house.
Mummy and daddy both still love you. Sometimes mummies and daddies decide to live in their own houses instead of together.
You will still get to do fun things with us both."

I don't think you need to say anything about parents still loving them, or really give much of an explanation at all with a 4 year old. DS was 4 when his dad moved out and I kept it focused entirely on the practical side of things - daddy is going to have his own flat. You can go and stay with him there sometimes. You can keep some toys there, etc. Absolutely no need to reassure them about parents still loving them etc at that age - they don't have enough context to have any reason to think you don't both love them. DS reacted much as a child might if you told them you were moving house, going to stay with Granny for Christmas, or an older sibling was leaving home. It was a practical change to his life. It wasn't any kind of thing that was broken or wrong. Explaining why we split up is something I've done very gradually over the years, in an age appropriate way.
Your 2 year old won't really have a clue about anything other than the here and now, so just focus on that.

No, you really don't.Young kids are inherantly self centred. They don't think all that hard about whether their parents love each other. If they're aware of tensions, you can say that mummy and daddy think they'll be happier with one house each, so they don't argue any more. But telling them that you don't love each other any more can just be confusing for them. Kids can reason: "if mummy doesn't love daddy any more because he shouts at her, and she's today she's cross as me because I've just shouted at her, so now she won't love me any more...." Just focus on the practicalities and impact on their own lives.

Thank you for all your comments. All really really helpful 💕