Hospitalised away from daughter

[GGEllis]

Hi All,

A friend sign posted me to here to see if I could find some words of encouragement from Mums that have been in a similar situation to myself.

For 3 months at the end of last year, I was hospitalised and had next to no contact with my daughter (17 months when I went in) due to hubby not wanting to bring her in to see me for fear of causing her distress. I was breastfeeding at the time so that had to stop instantly and he was worried that seeing me would make things harder for him at home.

Fast forward to now and my bond with my daughter (now 21 months) hasn't been the same. She doesn't want to come to me, she doesn't want to play with me, she won't let me comfort her when she's upset, she won't let me pass her food or her water cup, she won't stay in a room with just me without breaking down.

My heart is broken as I feel like I've done irreparable damage to our relationship from being away from her for so long. She just wants Daddy for everything and sometimes she won't even let me near her. I fear she's completely forgotten that I'm her mummy and I'm so scared things aren't going to get any better and that our relationship will be this way forever.

I cry all the time as I miss my baby girl so much even though she's right in front of my eyes. I love her so much and I just want things to get better.

Has anyone had a similar experience and can hopefully let me know that there is light at the end of the tunnel?

Not quite the same situation as my daughter was in hospital with me but I was discharged not because I was better but because the hospital was a negative environment for my daughter and she found it very difficult and became very clingy and I couldn't even take 3 steps away from her to put something in the bin without her screaming. I was there for 10 weeks in total but for the last 2 weeks just 1 day a week for treatment review and therapy because I didn't want my daughter there.
I had to stop breastfeeding in hospital and making bottles was difficult as I couldn't have my daughter in the kitchen and I couldn't take 3 steps from being from her. I couldn't cosleep and she didn't sleep in the cot. I had issues getting her prescribed medication at the right time too

I had postnatal depression and this was the reason for my admission into the mother and baby unit. Before my admission at 10 months I started vig therapy which is designed to help bonding. This continued after we came home until we moved when she was 2. This was through the infant parenting service and our HV made the referral but it was supported by the perinatal mental health team. I have also just started counselling with my HV to support me as a mum with health conditions be a mum to a child with health conditions.

How is your relationship with your HV? They may know about support in your area.

There's no good answer when there's a mum in hospital. I had a hard time with bonding with my daughter if you want to talk please feel free to message me

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I really appreciate it.

We weren't allowed to go onto a mother and baby unit because my daughter was already 17 months which is why I was sectioned on my own.

My relationship with my HV isn't great, she's very dismissive and I never hear from her. I am on the waiting list for therapy but have been told it's a year long wait.

I'm just so heartbroken that my bond with my daughter seems like it's been severed and it's not for want of me trying so hard with her, she just doesn't want me 💔

I don't think it will be severed. I've heard of children have good bonds with their parents after longer separations. I've also known a 2 yo girl who hadn't been separated from her mum who had a long phase of pushing her mum away and refuse to do anything her mum asked, ie wouldn't get dressed for nursery unless daddy was the one to help her, would come home from nursery and only want to show dad the picture she'd painted etc. It was a phase that lasted a good few months and was really upsetting for her mum but years down the line is long forgotten.

I would enlist the help of a child psychologist if you can.

In the meantime one of the big challenges you face is that the more bothered you are by each moment of rejection the more your daughter is likely to feel the tension. I'd try to lower your expectations right down. Still have good boundaries in place and be consistent. And perhaps to try to prove to your DD that you're not intending to leave her again, do lots of practice of saying 'I'm just popping upstairs, I'll be back in five minutes' and do that and pop out to the shops. Each time reiterate that you will be back and then come back.

You can request a different health visitor.

I think I heard somewhere that it often takes at least the length of absence/illness etc for the baby to get back to normal relationship.

I've also been in hospital for mental illness. I wasn't in the least bit ok beforehand and was still pretty fragile when I came out. Maybe calculated in that way, she hasn't had "mummy being herself" around for all that long yet, compared to the time you were away completely or not yourself.

Even in the natural course of things babies have a favourite parents for phase and then favour the other one.

It must be SO difficult for you, but please remind yourself that there is so much time ahead to rebuild that bond. So much time before she even reaches an age where she'll remember things in future years.

Obviously not the same situation at all but you may find some of the online advice about building bonds when adopting a toddler useful. One of the things they recommend is going back to things you would do when she was younger like playing peek a boo or singing games where you and her are totally focussed on each other without anything else.

Aww OP I feel so sad for you, and I know how you feel. Very different circumstances but my daughter was 12 months old when I gave birth to my second daughter. We’d spent all day every day together for her entire life and then I disappeared for over a week into hospital - had a long difficult labour and then an emergency c-section. When I got home, I was obviously torn between the two of them and I couldn’t pick up my first for 6 weeks because of the section.
My first daughter punished me in exactly the same way you described, shrieked when I went near her, hit me away, didn’t want to know me. It took 2 months, maybe 3 for it to pass….one day it just did, with little explanation. It broke me! But honestly she’s tiny and this will pass, it’s because you’re her person, she missed you but she will come back I promise! It just takes time and it sucks and it hurts! You’re being really strong and you’ll get there.

hospitalised with what? Because unless you were on a ventilator for 3 months or comatosed I can’t imagine why DH thought that was acceptable and my first thought is that he’s massively fucked up here. When I read that my jaw dropped.

edited: We weren't allowed to go onto a mother and baby unit because my daughter was already 17 months which is why I was sectioned on my own
just seen this. It makes more sense now but without knowing your specific circumstances (and it’s none of my business) it still seems incredibly harsh she couldn’t come at all and it couldn’t be worked around.

Your bond isn’t broken forever, you were ill and you are working hard to recover. Just keep going, it will take time and consistency, she’s so young and in the scheme of things (her life) this was a very short period of time.

I really feel for you x

OP, sorry for the difficult time you have had.

Do you have a Sure Start Centre near you. (I appreciate quite a few have closed down.) I found them really good sources of advice when my little one was small. All the staff were fantastic and able to connect me with other support services where necessary.