Drinking all night with teenage children?

[MM1972]

My middle daughter (17) sent me a picture of a party at my ex's house. I have no communication from the ex and my other children. I have an older son and younger daughter from that relationship that want nothing to do with me at the minute.
I was immediately concerned by the amount of drink but rather than be critical I joked that she better make it to mass in the morning. The response was that they would not even be in bed by then.
Fast forward to Monday and both daughters 17 and 16 have missed school. I assume due to lingering effects from too much alcohol.
As far as I could tell the people at the party were my 51 yr old ex, daughters 17 and 16 and daughters boyfriend.
I disapprove of the children drinking let alone so heavily at such a young age. I'm not sure whether my ex is attempting to be the 'super cool' parent or has no one else to drink with. The picture may also have been sent as a wind up, to show me what a great relationship my ex has with the kids whilst I am cut off.
Is this behaviour very odd? My ex also makes the kids take turns at preparing family meals. They have been doin this since starting secondary school. I think my ex has always treated them as older than they are.

I’m not sure how you can tell from a photo of how much they are drinking and for how long, surely that’s a snapshot?

Im not sure you should be policing whether they go to mass or not at their age either, especially if you are not in contact with them.

At that age I would expect them to be cooking meals for the family. How else are they going to learn when they move out of home.

I’m not condoning the alcohol use, but surely drinking with an adult is better then them out until all hours with people you don’t know and possibly getting themselves into unsafe situations?

You can’t control what they do, especially if two don’t live with you. If you think they might me trying to wind you up, don’t bite like you did and just say, “looks like you’re having a lovely time”, or similar.

But should they be responsible for cooking family meals at 11? Such that the parent is critical if its not ready?

It was a snapshot but my daughter helped me in work last summer. She told me she wouldn't be fit to help as she was intending to drink and would be too hungover. I'm worried it's every weekend. It was a snapshot at about 1.00 am and there were 6 empty cans of cider which my other daughter had consumed.

Maybe I am a fud. I didn't drink enough to have a hangover until I was well into uni. Maybe 3rd year. I would also never consider sitting up all night drinking with kids.

I have younger kids. They have asked about drink and drugs. I have told them sometimes they seem like fun but there is always a price to pay afterwards as you are damaging your body.

My DSSs are 16 and 17. We had a new year's eve party and they were allowed to drink at it. They'll do it anyway outside of the house whether we allow it or not. They both smoke weed as well. We don't condone it but not much we can do. Missing school is a concern though. Missing mass? It's really up to them whether they attend church or not. You can't really force religion upon them.

I don't see the problem with the kids cooking dinner. Why shouldn't they contribute? It's a great life skill and it teaches responsibility. My DSS is responsible for doing the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen and doing his own laundry. My DSD6 has chores as well.

The mass thing was meant as a joke. I thought they'd be hungover. But never would have thought they'd still be up drinking.

However anytime I had them on Saturday night my ex insisted , per court agreement, that I would take them to mass. Even though I never went myself and we hadn't gone as a family. Just a way to exert control I guess.

The missing school is a massive issue. It's early in the school year.
I don't know what you can do, but this is the part that worries me.
The PP who doesn't stop a 16 y o smoking weed is shocking.
You may not be able to stop them, but don't let it be socially acceptable.

To all those “they will do it anyway so better to let them do it at home” my mum had that approach, 3 of my siblings are addicted to cannabis, and have dabbled in stronger drugs and due to partying/ getting high did not attend school as much as they should have, so don’t have gcse/not good gcse, we all smoke/smoked from 11/12 years old, when we were younger we thought wow my mum is cool, all our friends wanted our mum etc, now i am a mum myself, i look at my 14dd and think oh god at that age i was smoking/smoking weed, getting pissed, lost my virginity, and i can’t believe my mum allowed all that to go on cause we might have done it out with friends anyway?
Dont fall into that trap, they are less likely to do it if they know they will get into trouble.
To OP unfortunately what pp have said i agree with, there isn’t really anything you can do if they don’t live with you, you could try to give them a talking to about their underage drinking but it will fall on deaf ears as you have no control over discipline since they don’t live with you and have effectively ‘cut you off’ xx

How do you know exactly how much they drank? I stayed up until 3am chatting to my friend's 15 yo daughter a few weeks ago. I drank heavily, she didn't.

They are 16 and 17, not babies. I don't see the big deal. Every weekend is not so great, occasionally isn't an issue. You have no idea why they missed school on Monday but teenagers don't get 2 day hangovers. That's for old fogeys like me.

It's brilliant he gets them making family meals regularly, what a great skill for them to gain so early. It sounds like he has a good relationship with them and they are having fun together, learning to handle alcohol in a safe environment and gaining the life skills they will need for adulthood.

You've already lost 2 kids. If you keep trying to drive a wedge, you may well end up losing the other 2 as well.