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Parenting

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Partner being unreasonable with our 19 month old

4 replies

jknight97 · 11/03/2024 09:51

I have 2 children one with my partner and my eldest from a previous abusive relationship, my eldest who is 5 has autism and gets on very well with my partner and calls him dad as he's been in her life since she was 9 months old, we had a child together in 2022 who is now 19 month old and going through what I suspect as sleep regression, prior to this she's always slept all through the night since she was 2 weeks old(very lucky)
My partner is being very unreasonable about it and when she gets up at night and opens her door he gets angry and refuses to be upstairs around her and leaves me to deal with it but acts like it has a significant impact on his life.
He's become very impatient with her and if she does something like touching something she shouldn't instead of just telling her NO like I do or moving her away he proceeds to shout at her which scares her, I've tried having a conversation with him about it but he just sees it as me being nasty to him, I'm really stuck on what to do as I do love my partner but will always love my kids more and I feel 100% like he is being very unsupportive and treating our youngest unreasonably

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 11/03/2024 09:53

I would go a step further, he isn't being unsupportive, he's being abusive to a toddler.,

Lijay · 11/03/2024 10:01

Op this is not ok. Your toddler is being bullied by your partner. Of course she touches things she shouldn't and has trouble sleeping.... She's 19 months old. I would not have anyone scaring my 16 month old. They wouldn't be alive to do it again.

nc42day · 11/03/2024 10:03

Getting angry, shouting at and scaring a 19 month old baby and being unable to accept that she's doing something very developmentally normal, and isn't out to get him is not just unreasonable, it's very worrying.

Whatever he thinks his reasons are, your DD shouldn't be exposed to this.

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skkyelark · 11/03/2024 10:57

I agree that it's unacceptable and needs to stop, but if it's a sudden change in behaviour (from your partner), I'd try to figure out what's behind it. It's still unacceptable, but also quite possibly fixable.

Is there other stuff stressing him out and he needs to work on his self-care/stress management? Is he actually unaware of what normal toddler behaviour is like (or has forgotten, depending on what your eldest was like as a toddler)? Is he parenting DD2 as he himself was parented (although I'd ask why he's suddenly started doing so)?

Yes, ideally he'd do this thinking himself, but sometimes we can't see or think clearly when we're in the thick of it and need a bit of support – it's your judgement on how much you can and want to give. (And you can only help him identify the issue and some possible solutions – he has to actually do the work to fix it.)

Sometimes having these conversations separate from any specific instance can help, so emotions aren't always running high. Or presenting the behaviour management as a joint thing, DD2 is getting older, she's starting to do X, what do you think, shall we approach it this way or that way, so that we're on the same page?

Alternatively, is there someone else close to him it might help him to have a chat with, his mum/dad, sister/brother, best mate?

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