I'd like to talk about labeling the behaviour, not the child.

[BroccoliSpears]

What sort of things do you say?
What do you not say?

I find that when dd does something and I want to let her know I don't want her to do that, the right words don't come easily.

Dd is 22 months old, so am talking about behaviour such as pushing her friends over or refusing to share her toys. I don't think either of those things are 'naughty' at that age, and I don't go for punishment or being cross, but I do want to let her know that it's better not to push / hit / snatch etc.

i say it isn't kind to take things/bite/push mummy etc

he looks at me blankly as he is only 22 months as well

i see this all as priming him for when he does understand

I usually take the child away from the situation and explain why its not nice to do whatever they've done. I think at 22 mths, they should be able to understand that. You're right though, its not naughty, as such, since they don't know what's right or wrong until you tell them. It takes time, but I firmly believe the more you tell them at this age, the easier it becomes. And praise good behaviour all the time, which usually stops them doing things you don't want them to do.

I say "that's a naughty thing to do" Rather than "that's naughty"

Or, "that's not acceptable behaviour" (for older kids obv., unless your toddler understands acceptable!)

"That's not a nice way to behave"

At 22 months you could just say "no" when she does somehing like push, or "no hurting", or go down the opposite route and say "be gentle" while stroking other child if she is hitting or pushing. That gives her a chance to correct her behaviour and mimick you. Or "it's nice to share" with the sharing.

REmember, lots of little steps, they won't get it straight away, they are still learning, but if you carry on this way of reacting to their behaviour you will reap the rewards when they are older.

Also, say things like "I'm disappointed in your behaviour" rather than "..in you", and "I'm cross with you for what you did". That helps make it clear it is the bahaviour you are disaproving of, rather than them.

I find myself getting a bit tangled up in explaining why she shouldn't do something.

"Don't throw books down the stairs... uhm... because... err... well it's destructive".

"It's unkind to push X over and in this house we don't do pushing"

I'm honestly not sure if it's useful or if she just hears "blah blah blah pushing blah blah".

Is there a book or anything online that I could look out for, does anyone know?

I've never used the word naughty to ds, not from any particular ponciness, only that it's just not a word that I use, IYSWIM, I don't think of it!

Broccoli I think I've used your approach with ds - if he was to throw a book, I tihnk I'd say "No, we take care of books!" or similar. I think it's good to explain and your explanations are not too long IMO.

If you're worried she's not hearing your main point, then maybe try a firm NO at the beginning, then a brief explanation of why.

And move straight on - distraction is still really important at this age IMO. You say no, you explain, then you move on so that they can't get themselves fixated on the forbidden activity!

'We don't hit each other'
'No, you must not do that'
'Pat nicely'

At 22m they are more like puppies than kids I think

What I mean is, a dog will only know a few words in it's core understanding (no, heel, sit, down etc) - a whole sentence may as well be in Punjabi for all the sense it makes.

Pick a few words (No, be nice, stop etc) and use them for all occasions - your DC will soon grow up and then know that sentences and explanations have proper meaning but at this age, I think it's more about stopping the behaviour quickly than full on explanations.

I also don't think that at 2 yrs old a child is going to pick up the differences between a personal comment and a behavioural one - especially if you just use simple language; that comes later IME.

I was told by someone it's better not to use no or don't because children only hear for example hitting rather than no hitting. instead you should tell them what you want them to do. so .... be nice, be kind, be gentle, come away, stand on the floor, rather than get down from the table etc

DS is 21 months and doesn't really understand either.

Books:

Unconditional Parenting
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk (and others by those authors)

You get better at it the more practise you get, and don't worry if he doesn't understand at the moment - he will as he grows up. I try to find the reason why it's not a good thing and just say that (good exercise in making sure there's a real reason for me to stop them doing something!). e.g. If you hit people it hurts them and they might stop enjoying playing with you; if you throw things they might break etc.

And also find other ways of sorting things out like 'I know you're cross that A took your toy but hitting won't help. Hit a cushion if you're cross, and ask a grown-up to help you sort things out with words' and then quickly find some other toy to distract them with if it's another person's child. If it's a sibling, I ask them to give the toy back and wait until it's been finished with. Of course this goes way over their heads at first, but eventually they do understand.

That's just an example. And I get it wrong all the time but I get it wrong less and less as my children get older and I get more practised and as they get more practised and co-operate more :-)

I see I went off on a bit of a tangent there...was kind of answering a response as well as the OP's message!