Is it all my fault

[Vinloumom]

Anytime I raise an issue or concern about my kids my mum seems to find a way to blame me?

I know we shape our kids, we influence them but surely some things are personality or just how they are !

for example,

DS doesn’t like blankets/duvets on him whilst sleeping. He likes to sleep on top of the duvet in just pyjamas and socks. My mum said this is because I didn’t swaddle him when he was newborn (I had PPA and was extremely nervous about safe sleeping panicked he’d be an extremely early roller lol and end up on his face)

DS started walking a bit funny one time, he’s 2.5 and very active. My mum said we let him walk too much and we were affecting his bone development.

DS went through a nervous/shy phase. He can speak a little better now but not loads, he says words but can’t fully communicate what’s wrong. One example is, he was saying ‘no’ crying and asking to go to the car when we’d go to a DH’s dads house (which we’ve always visited it’s not a new environment etc) - my mum said he was picking up on my tension

I feel like sometimes kids just do things because that’s how it is! I take my kids everywhere , they’ve always went to baby classes; they attend nursery, we go out all the time they’re exposed to public places and I even get comments about how good DS is as he’s 2.5 and will help me do a food shop he is so well behaved and helps us walk around and pop the items in the trolley. As a mum saying the food shop is enjoyable sounds like a rarity !! So I feel I’mdoing an okay job?

surely if I was the cause of everything, with me taking DS out everywhere he wouldn’t have had this ‘nervous’ phase. The doctors did dispel my mums theory about the walking funny. And we found out he kind of was just doing it - we’d just had DD so doctor speculated that it might’ve been a natural way to try and get more attention (we give him lots but of course he noticed our at the a time newborn getting a lot)

I don’t know it just makes me sad that I get blamed for everything when I don’t think I’m a bad mum? :(

Obviously I don't know your mum but is she by any chance a 'fixer'? And/or had a similar upbringing? Of course she might just be being mean 😁 but my mum was a bit like this and it was more to do with the fact that she was brought up the same way so always tried to look at ways she was 'to blame'... And consequently things she could do to change or 'fix' it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure what you can do about it really except the obvious ignore, ignore... Have you said anything to her?

Sound like she think her way is the only right way.

Could be that she is genuinely quite anxious about you "getting it wrong" so is trying to help. Or it couldbe that she is being judgemental and unpleasant. I'm not sure of her time based on what you've said.

Your specific examples.... you're fine. My eldest wasn't swaddled, hated blankets until she was nearly 5. She uses one totaly normally now. My boys were swaddled. Still didn't like blankets. Have recently started to sleep under them at 3.5 having resisted them previously and just slept on top or shoved them out of the way.

There'sno such thing as too much walking if the child is enjoying it! Does she think baby chimps have to be prevented from exercise to protect them? Children can pull a muscle of course just like an adult, or have a good that's him tosleep because of being sat on etc. unless a change in walking persists there no reason to be concerned at all.

Shy phase is totally normal. Separation anxiety is part of developing an understanding of how the world works. As long as you calmly support your child through it, it'll pass normally. Some children express it more than others or it lasts longer, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

Stop telling your mum your worries and she can’t make you paranoid with her outlandish theories.

I’m hoping it’s from a place of care but sometimes I get the vibe that she thinks I’m not very capable

DH thinks this too and it’s starting to annoy him now as he mentions there are 2 parents so she’s indirectly blaming him for these things too - and I do see his POV. If his mother was doing this I’d actually have said something to her face so hats off to him for biting his tongue !

Think I do need to keep my worries to myself I think I’m just inclined to tell her as we’ve always been close and I’ve just not stopped doing the thing of telling her everything like I did growing up ! But I’m an adult with my own family so I probably ehould

just wanted some reassurance that I’m not a tit parent causing loads of problems for my kids… as she implies lol

Oh god my mother is exactly like this. Everything has to have a reason or an explanation. The reason DS1 walked late was because we carried him so much. The reason he talked early was because we read to him so much. The reason he eats well was because we always ate with him. The reason he didn’t sleep well was because I breastfed. It’s funny trying to see her cope with explaining DS2 now who is polar opposite to his brother (moving early, speaking late, okay at sleeping, not keen on food) despite being parented exactly the same She's pathologically anxious and a ‘fixer’ as someone alluded to up thread, which I think is why she is like this. It’s not you, just try and ignore (even if it’s bloody annoying).

Ah she sounds like my MIL. Always finding fault. She’s lovely in other ways but with the kids always sticking her oar in. You need to lay some boundaries.

My husband had to say to his mum quite firmly that if she didn’t have nice things to say we didn’t want to hear.

Oh yes I can certainly see the ‘fixing’ element because even now our youngest DC, is ebf and this is why she doesn’t like being put down and still contact naps (she’s 8weeks old btw)

but DS was formula fed from day 1, and was the exact same? I think most newborns are. But in my mums eyes it’s because I breastfeed that DD likes to be held

DS also wasn’t much of a good sleeper, this was apparently also because I didn’t swaddle. And because I’d check on him through the night ! Lol

not everything is a problem