Dominant 4 year old at preschool

[Winksy]

Just wanted some advice really about how to support my strong willed DD following feedback from preschool. Shes very assertive and dominant when it comes to playing with her peers- telling them what to play and how to play it. Shes a September baby so is an old 4 year old and very articulate.

She is also the opposite of DD6 who is too compliant and a people-pleaser! We have been working with her to build up her assertiveness and so now having to tone down her younger sisters feels like we can't get anything right!!

Shes a lovely girl- very funny, kind, bright but I dont want her to lose friends because they can't manage her.

Whats the best Way/approach to take? Preschool have suggested playing games together and making sure she knows to take her turn etc. We do this anyway but will do more. Is there anything else we can be doing with her??

She sounds great! It must be frustrating for her too if the others are slower to develop. I think the nursery need to handle this better and cater to her more advanced needs. Sounds like she’ll love school!

Thank you- I think shes brilliant but not sure that's shared!

Im sure it will wear off more as she gets older and comes across more who are a match for her. So i guess its trying to help her in the meantime as much as possible...

In addition to structured boardgame type turn-taking, I'd play creative games with her where you take turns to make decisions/direct the play – small world play, playing doctors/house/shops/whatever. That's a bit more free-form than boardgames, and she has to alter her play more to accommodate your choices. Doing joint building with blocks/lego/magnetic tiles could work similarly – you need to agree what to build, and you both get some say in how it unfolds.

If you see it happening on playdates or similar, you could perhaps guide the interactions a bit more, ask the other child what they would like to play next to model it for your DD, or if they've said something that's been ignored or overruled by DD, step in to say 'I think Chloe said she'd like to be the shopkeeper now, DD', and be prepared to push her a bit on it if necessary.

She sounds like my daughter. Oldest at preschool and also the boss. She finds many of her peers to be "cute and little". If she is assertive but still kind then you have nothing to worry about....she'll meet her matches when she starts school I'm sure.

It sounds like you’ve a great opportunity to support both your DC in developing certain areas. Btw, both are great, I too have a very assertive younger child, and a very easy-going older child. We do play a lot of games together where they work on opposing teams (of course I’m there to facilitate too, otherwise it’s carnage). But another thing that’s helpful also, is for them to play games on the same ‘team’ so they can learn that each other’s temperament hold value. I hope this leads to them being able to navigate relationships with peers too and learn that just because someone’s more dominant/reserved, they can still either push back/let someone else take the lead.

How is your youngest around older children? (Apart from sibling)

Assertive and dominant could also be described as rigid thinking and lacking in social skills. I’m an autism specialist and this behaviour is common in autistic girls. I’m not saying your daughter is autistic but this behaviour is a red flag.

I’d be having lots of chats with her about social skills. My daughter had a girl like this in her class. Her mum was blunt and explained that if she wanted things her own way all the time, longer term no one would want to play with her and she’d have no fiends. She continued to struggle with rigid thinking but the fear of having no friends gave her the motivation she needed to try and become more sociable. Her peers appreciated the effort and wear more forgiving of her struggles.

Thanks all. Lots of good points and comments which are really helpful- I think the free flowing play is a good idea and one we can definitely do more of. Thats probably more where they are seeing the problems at preschool.

Dd2 doesnt have much experience of socialising with peers her age beyond preschool. She plays fine with dd1 and her friends but then they are older (even if only by 2 years) so probably more naturally dominant. Something which she doesnt really push or question, interestingly. I dont really have friends with dcs at the same precise age as her so shes never really mixed with any beyond dds friends.

Ive tried to get DD1 to help by enlisting her to say that she won't play with DD2 if she doesnt play nicely with her (and follow through on that). Thats even more of a challenge though because of DD1s personality!!

Great that you've got some ideas that feel like they might suit.

Does she have any particular friends at preschool? If so, would preschool let you pass a note to their parents with your phone number, asking if they fancied meeting up at the park or whatever? That usually seems to be how playdates start here (that, or spontaneously bumping into the other child at the park).

You could suggest DD1 pretend she's DD2, and DD2 pretend she's DD1? A bit like the mini-Bluey episode of Bluey?