Repeat boundary pushing

[2kiddy]

I have a 4 year old. At the moment, he constantly pushes boundaries - often just to test me. It can be as simple as “no I won’t put my shoes on now, I’ll do it when I’m ready”, followed by a tantrum if, as invariably happens, i make him do it anyway. This can happen several times a day, in any setting, and too often in public!

My strategy is to simply enforce my boundary, whatever it is, and then ride out the tantrum as needed. I’ve tried a lot of things to prevent it - managing expectations, giving him “options” to help him feel in control (like in my shoe example, would you like to wear these shoes or these shoes?) etc. And I’ve tried a lot of things to deal with it when it does happen- talking about his emotions, taking “time outs”, giving a good telling off/punishment of no pudding, praising good responses or behaviours…

Nothing has worked to reduce or improve the tantrums, and now grandparents on both sides have seen a few of these incidents. I’ve been told that I need to “discipline him better” and they warn me that “if I don’t do something to get this under control now, I won’t be able to control him when he’s a teenager.”

In their day - the days of smacking!! - I get that this probably wouldn’t have happened. But I don’t do smacking and have run out of ideas what to try. Any ideas?

Am I wrong to just carry on as I am with my fingers crossed that this is just a phase and is no reflection on the future?

I hope you don’t mind me responding. I have a 2.5 year old so I really don’t know if this applies to a 4 year old.
have you noticed a pattern or timing to the tantrums. I noticed that whenever I am asking my daughter to do something she is of course already doing something else eg. Playing.
so often now I sort of preface the task with… in one minute I need you to put away dinosaur and put on shoes. I’m not saying it’s foolproof but I have found she responds better. It’s almost as if I’ve given her the validation of what she’s currently doing and the time to process what’s next.
during a tantrum I often repeat back what she wants so I’ll say I understand you don’t want to wear your shoes. Is that right? She will say yes I will sort of reiterate the importance of said task but keep reinforcing that I hear it’s not what she wants to do.

again I apologise if this sounds stupid and inappropriate for a 4 year old.in answer to your question if this is indicative of future behaviour- no one one knows and tbh it doesn’t matter. Sometimes we don’t meet our children’s needs becaus we are so fearful of what they might become but I think your instinct is powerful here. You will know when something is becoming a habit as opposed to true dysregulation.

Yes it's tricky isn't it! We have given up all the coercive tools for controlling our children, such as smacking, and even punishments of any kind. But we still have the same ambitions to control our children as always, as we have big responsibility to them but we know that they are not equipped to make sensible decisions about everything yet.
If you want to give up on control then you have to change the relationship you are expecting.
So if your child doesn't want to put on their shoes, ok they can go out without. If you worry that might be an issue, that's your problem. Maybe you can put their shoes on your bag in case they change their mind? Or you can not go out?
Ultimately you need to think about when you want to control your child (ideally not to often) and then when you do, use the tried and tested techniques such as sticker chart/bribes and punishments etc.
Good luck and sorry if this is covering old ground!

It’s really tough. I used to make it a ‘race’- whoever gets their shoes on first/tidies up the most toys/ sitting on the sofa first gets to choose dessert( or whatever). Kids love races especially with lots of build up- ready, steady…

I have no idea if this is a bad parenting, but some mornings when we're already late I do it anyway...it hasn't failed me yet! If she's kicking off about whatever request I have, usually getting dressed, I say something completely random like 'I love this green jumper' whilst holding a red jumper, or 'look at all that rain outside' even though it's blue sky's. She's so confused by how wrong I am, and so determined to correct me, she forgets what she was cross about. I used to find anything else just seems to fuel her temper.

Also, I'm sure his tantrums at 4 won't mean he's a naughty teen!

Thank you all for responses, I’m happy to try anything and nice to hear no one thinks this behaviour is some kind of indication that I’m making a monster teenager in future ! It’s just very difficult managing grandparents expectations and I think that has got to me lately!!