Formula Feeding Guilt

[Lilo2]

I haven’t been very well and have been in a lot of discomfort healing from labour and have been on antibiotics for 2.5 weeks due to an infection. It also looks like the antibiotics will continue into next week as still not feeling better.

Didn't have the best start with feeding when DS was born. Not only did he have a severe tounge tie which meant he couldn’t latch on, he also found it incredible difficult to bottle feed and ended up with low glucose levels and being admitted into the children’s ward to be treated / fed through a tube for a week.

During this time I felt so depressed, not only was I so worried about my 1 week old (who had only spent one night at home with me) but I was recovering after a traumatic labour and luckily were given a side room by the hospital which wasn’t exactly ideal (although grateful) to recover in.
During my time in hospital I was able to pump and provide breast milk to DS, but once I got home I was so worried he was would not get enough milk from me, that I continued to combi feed with the formula they used in the hospital.

5 weeks on and for the past two half weeks he has only had formula (was getting very little breast milk before). This is making me feel horrendously guilty. I tried to pump being unwell and on the antibiotics, but it made me feel worse and I noticed huge changes in his poo and stomach wellbeing when I was giving him my milk.

Now I’m plagued with guilt. Yes it’s been nice to share the feeds with my husband, but constantly seeing message such as ‘breast is best’ and ‘breast milk prevents this and that’ is torturing me.

I’m hoping once I’m off these tablets/feel better I can get my supply back in. But in the meantime I feel awful and worried something will happen to DS from having formula.

Am I being crazy? Any advice / reassurance welcomed.

TIA

Formula is not going to harm your baby. Millions of babies have had formula and thrived on it. The hospital wouldn’t have given it to him if it was harmful. My own child was fully formula fed and is now a healthy teenager.

Focus on getting well and then if you want to you can focus on establishing breastfeeding. Maybe your health visitor or a lactation consultant could advise you what to do to help with that.

Don’t get caught up in the whole breast is best thing. Recover, feed him whatever way works for you, and enjoy him.

I have been there. Not quite extreme as you, but both of my DS struggled with tongue tie and feeding issues. I was desperately pumping like a cow, exhausted and feeling hugely guilty.
Take a big deep breath and stop. The negatives have overtaken your lives and far outweighed the benefits anymore.
The most important thing is a happy healthy baby and mum. They've had some breastmilk, they have been given some of those benefits of immunity. But now more important is they need their mum, healthy and not so strung out. You have done amazing. You have fought against infections and issues and still managed to give them brest milk. You are amazing. But you can't keep doing it, it is stopping you recovering and it is making this precious time harder. Give yourself permission to stop. Your baby will be absolutely fine on formula. You have no need to feel guilty, instead you deserve an award for perseverance through adversity.
I know my words won't fully get rid of that guilt, but honestly it will ease, when you feel better and over time. I am now proud I managed to feed mine breastmilk for as long as I did and glad I chose to stop, because rather than just surviving, we started living and flourishing.
Just for reassurance, over 14 years later, I still meet with my group of antenatal friends. Yes as babies, the bottlefed were generally a bit chubbier than breastfed, but once they started moving and were weened, no-one could tell the difference between who was breast or bottle fed and certainly no-one could ever tell now.

I couldn't BF at all with my first, no milk came in so she was FF since birth. I felt so so guilty but she's thriving, was tracking 75% throughout the baby/toddler years and is now a very tall, bright and sporty 6yo with a lot of attitude!

I probably could have BF DS as the birth was less traumatic and I definitely had a supply but I was too traumatised from trying the first time so went straight to FF from birth. He too is a little powerhouse with an amazing brain at 5yo.

The guilt stayed with me for quite a while but ultimately it was right for us and we've seen no adverse effects at all. You need to be healthy and strong yourself so if FF is best for you and your little one then that's fine!

I know the 'breast is best' thing is great and all but it adds so much pressure to people that physically have been unable to do it for whatever reason. Fed is best is a much preferable statement to me.

I ebf and then tried combifeeding and then went to formula. I didn't notice any difference in my daughter she probably did slightly better on formula rather than breast milk if you were going to make me chose. She had food allergies and it just got too much trying to figure out my diet and her diet

My nan formula fed all of her children, my dad was 3 months premature and was fed condensed milk for the extra calories
My gran wasn't able to breastfeed her first born as he was in hospital with a congenital heart defect. She was given drugs to stop her milk and never produced enough milk for my mum and her sister. My grans sister had babies of the same ages an plenty of milk so she gave my mum and auntie top up feeds
In a display cabinet in our living room I have the bottle my great gran used with my grandad. Feeding issues aren't new. Breastmilk is amazing but there are components that formula will never be able to replicate but breastfeeding isn't without cons and formula isn't without merits. All we can do is balance the pros and cons for our own little family unit.

For me to two hard points where the final weeks of ebf and the first few weeks of formula feeding and the reason for both is i had no choice. the GP gave up trying to find a formula my daughter didn't react to so I had to keep feeding I had no plans b and we made the switch to formula when I collapsed in hospital due to the toll breastfeeding had on my mind on body. I desperately need to start new medication for my severe pnd. Decisions are always harder when you don't feel your voice has a place.

Be kind to yourself and let go of the guilt. Formula is great and your baby will thrive on it. My DD had tongue tie and I was uncomfortable after a C-section and I struggled to get her to latch so she was pretty much on formula from the start. I don’t have any regrets now apart from maybe carrying on with the pumping too long. You are better off focusing on getting better and bonding with your baby rather than pumping. Scientific studies struggle to show much evidence for breast feeding on the level of the individual and only a small benefit over a large population that can be hard to separate from socioeconomic factors. Make the most of having your partner help with feeding and try to get a decent block of sleep every night by having him do the evening (or early morning).

My DS is ridiculously healthy. He's 4.5 and has had one stomach bug and a couple of colds in his life. That's it. Oh and Covid but with no symptoms. He's great, thriving, just looking at pictures of him getting an award in assembly at school this morning. Other than the first couple of days, he was exclusively FF. Once you get beyond the first sixth months or so, it's really impossible to tell a difference between BF and FF babies. You're being the best mum to your baby by keeping him fed and happy.

Oh I've been there. DS is nearly 3 and is completely fine. No ear infections or stomach issues. And honestly, it makes no difference, fed is best! I hope you're recovering OK, the guilt is a normal feeling ti have. I remember breaking down in tears "admitting" to my family that DS was FF - seems ridiculous now he's a bit older! X

You really should not feel guilty OP for caring for your baby and giving him what he needs because that is what you are doing.
I bloody hate all the guilt tripping around becoming a new Mum, there's enough to worry about and think about without having pressure about what is considered to be 'best'.

I hope you continue to get well OP and wish you lots of happiness with your new baby. Enjoy him, love him and don't listen to the noise.

I’m so sorry. First, you’re not wrong for feeling guilty. “Mom guilt” is such a real thing pushed on women over their choices almost from the minute they become pregnant. “Do this and not that…” “Do that and not this…” It all makes it impossible NOT to feel something.

But I hope you are able, through all the static and noise, to internalize the true message, which is this: fed is best.

If you wanted to breastfeed, then I’m sorry it didn’t work out. But you’re a wonderful mum because you realized what was affecting your baby (that his or her stomach and nappy contents were different, and maybe not so good, trying to feed them breast milk when you’re trying to take antibiotics or after antibiotics) and you didn’t try to keep pushing anyway - you put baby’s needs first.

Also, making sure you are fully well (taking antibiotics when you need them) is a very important part of being a good mum, too.

This may make you feel a bit guilty and sad, and don’t punish yourself more for feeling the way you do. Just know that you have nothing to feel guilty for; you have done nothing wrong, and there are endless studies showing that it’s impossible to tell between formula fed and breastfed babies once they are at a certain age. No one will be talking about this when your baby is 25… unless they are huge bores, and intrusive on top of it.

And if you have sadness over not being able to breastfeed, just sit with it a while. Let yourself go through it. Let yourself come out the other side. It will take time, but once this isn’t so raw, and seeing all these breastfeeding statements isn’t so everyday, the hurt will lessen. Especially seeing your baby happy and hitting milestones, unaffected by how they’re fed.

Gosh I feel so overwhelmed by all your responses. They’ve literally had me in tears. Thank you so much everyone for your advice and words. Means more to me than you’d ever know 💕
@5YearsLeft @AnyaAint @BananaBender @Cantgetausername87 @Sunshineismyfavourite @Superscientist @mynameiscalypso @wallybobs @wishIwasonholiday10

Please don’t spend a moment more worrying OP. I had a baby who didn’t latch and I couldn’t pump enough milk, so my baby was on formula from the start and fully FF by a week. My only regret is the amount of time I spent fretting about it. She’s very healthy, very happy and I’ve had a good postpartum recovery thanks to my DH being able to take on the nights! Now she’s older, weaning is the next thing and no one talks about BF vs FF anymore. There are so many decisions you’ll have to make for your baby. I promise this isn’t as significant as I know it feels now. The benefits of breastfeeding are mostly population level and often confounded out when factors such as familial socioeconomic status are accounted for. Formula is a perfectly safe and adequate alternative.

Mum of a fully formula fed 5 year old. Always been fighting fit and always been a healthy weight - there is absolutely no way you would have been able to tell how he was fed at any point in his life.

We are fortunate that we have safe healthy options to feed our babies. And all the stats you read about how much better breastfeeding is are based on a global level and so incorporate communities with no access to clean water, safe formula or information on safe formula preparation. You often see information about the miraculous properties of breast milk that no formula can replicate, but there is no meaningful evidence of how this actually affects babies - ie there is absolutely nothing concrete to show that formula babies are less healthy in developed nations.

If you're concerned about bonding with your baby, you can look up responsive bottle feeding, which is what I did.

It is normal to feel guilt though - about everything! Congratulations on your new baby and welcome to the adventure.

@Judylicious thank you so much! gonna look into responsive bottle feeding x

@Flyingfrisbeeintheair thank you so much x

Fed is best.

My sister's eldest had a cleft pallet and couldn't breastfeed. She was determined that she absolutely had to express her milk so that she could bottle feed him her breast milk so that she could give him the best possible start in life. But then she ended up so stressed by the whole situation that she had trouble producing enough milk. So then she had to supplement, and then feed him entirely, with formula.

Baby grew up strong and healthy, he's now a strapping 15 year old and doing just fine. In hindsight she always says she wishes someone had told her at the beginning that it really wasn't such a big deal.