Struggling with letting people hold my baby

[MochaLove]

I am a FTM and my baby is 12 weeks old, but I’m still finding it a struggle to let most people hold my baby and have felt like this since she was around 4 weeks old. I let people hold her, but I absolutely hate the expectation that I will have to hand her over when we go to see family or friends so people can “have a hold”. I sometimes then feel anxious when people are holding her and I know I watch them like a hawk. I see lots of friends and I don’t feel it so much with friends, for some strange reason - maybe because a lot of the friends I see are also mums with babies.
I have to say it is worse with my MIL (please don’t tell me I’m horrible, I already know/feel this way) which I feel really bad about as she is a lovely lady. I don’t know why I feel like this. My own mum died when I was a child, I have no idea if this could’ve impacted how I feel at the moment. FIL also made a comment that we never see them but we see them on average once a week and this really is enough for me, I’m finding it a bit intense being asked if we want help all the time. I also have a big family, and it’s lovely that people want to see us all the time (well the baby really!) but sometimes it all feels a bit much. I feel ungrateful because I know lots of people don’t have lots of family around but sometimes I wish we did live further away from everyone!

Will this feeling pass? I’m really hoping it eases but I feel like it’s getting worse rather than better.

Firstly, congratulations on your newborn 💐.

Families can be a really difficult thing to navigate when a baby comes along, it feels like everyone insists on getting their pound of flesh from you.

I had the same uneasy feelings around my MIL and my PFB. I think I found it difficult watching her being so (understandably) familiar/maternal with my DD, I felt like that was my place and my place only. I can see now in hindsight I was BU but it can be hard to see the woods from the trees when you’re in the throws of the newborn stage.

Striking the right balance between everyone is nigh on impossible and you’re right to want to prioritise yourself and baby, but having a sometimes overwhelmingly large support system is a good problem to have in the long run.

@Pondering89 thank you 🥰 that’s exactly how I feel. Suddenly everyone wants to see me all the time.

I know I’m being unreasonable about my MIL, but that’s exactly how I feel, that it is my place only to be maternal towards my baby. I find it really uncomfortable when MIL is hovering over us, when I’m trying to settle her for example. MIL is very proud which is lovely, but I don’t think it helped that she asked my partner on several occasions to bring my DD into her work to meet everyone when she was 4 weeks old. I felt like she was her trophy she wanted to show off, everyone had their hands in her face and I really didn’t like it.

I know we are lucky to have such a good support system, I’m just hoping I start to relax a bit more soon. Did it take a long time for you to relax more and feel less protective? I’m hoping now I’m coming out of the newborn stage, it’ll start to get better.

??? Maybe wait until no 2, 3, 4 and then you honestly wouldn’t give a shit if it was Jack the Ripper, let alone MIL, taking care of them if it meant you got a 5 minute shower in peace. Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, as they say.

I found setting clear boundaries early on helped. If I didn’t want any visitors, I said no. If I didn’t want anyone taking baby galavanting round the neighbourhood, I said no. Your families aren’t going anywhere, the badgering won’t wane unless you make your expectations clear. Being so assertive can be difficult if it’s not in your nature, and I am sure families will grumble, but it was the easiest solution for me in the long run.

To be honest, things got worse for me before they got better. I struggled leaving DD with anyone other than DP for probably the first year. Going back to work helped a lot. It’s a reminder you were a person before you were a mum, and when you pick DC up from care and they’ve had a lovely day, it lifts a massive weight off your shoulders.

@HoppingPavlova Providing good perspective 🤣. There will be bumps along the way but things will settle down eventually and you’ll be delighted to drop the kids with MIL so you can do the big shop in blissful silence!